.:] hehehe [:.

Wouldn't you know it I just sent off my donation letter and pointed people to *this* blog as opposed to www.nuprinzavonwalk.blogspot.com . *sigh*

.:] At Last!!!!!!!! [:.

Woot.

My AvonWalk page is live! and so is bodacious - my blog for the entire experience! Check it out! Make a Contribution! Change a life!

.:] Bloody hateful exs of exs [:.

Ran in to an evil ex of an ex today. Interesting. Looks like I get to work with her at one of my jobs. I don't know the girl really except that she did one of the most rude things I've ever seen on a dance floor. But really the woman never hurt *me*. {and isn't that what's really important here?} Fine. But then I get all *rowr* whenever I see her. I can't stand the sight of her. I don't' know why? IS..it..perhaps the ex, while we were dating, told me the reasons why she'd hurt him, broke his heart, destroyed his ego, etc?

why Why WHY do these guys date these awful, awful, evil, EVIL, women then break up with them after a considerable amount of time, start to date me, relate the horrors of *that* relationship to me, and then decide to ditch me soon after? wtf? I thought I was the good guy here... MK has insight, I think.

Meanwhile I fear the real reason my exs don't pick up their phones to call is b/c they're too busy relating stories of my evilness to their new hot girlfriends.

.:} If I still have one...[:.

This is what my soul would look like?


You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Reminds me of an ex, I bothered to call a month or so after we broke up. I was so sure I had hit indifference by that point. He goes on to describe how it is to talk to his girl he's seeing. It's easy. Its creative. Its honest. She'd asked him "what's the color of your soul?" I wanted to puke. I haven't tried to call him since. Though I had one of those "vivid" Baz Luhrmann-like dreams with the ex half naked recently. Is that a sign?

.:] Letters I Never Sent [:.

While I was in the ole' D.G., I found my hatbox of old cards and letters from family, friends, and boyfriends, etc. Wow, I've come a long way. Its kinda sad the friends that I haven't kept up with (or haven't kept up with me). Its powerful to see the words I "woulda coulda shoulda" sent. For all those break-ups with friends and lovers that I'd perceived as hurtful and stunting - I'd learned alot. Others- well "eh." And I'll be damned if I didn't date alot of guys that meant well but were awful writers. However I know I am missing a very important 'love' letter that I'd used to carry around with me. So eloquent and truthful and pure and poetic these words, from a guy that would eventually cheat on me. Or worse "try to spare my feelings."

Originally, Cat Stevens, then Rod Stewart, and now Sheryl Crow...

Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's the worst
I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me she's the worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'cause if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
When it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's the worst

.:] dream [:.

I'm thinking its about frustration er something.

I had one of those very vivid, almost technicolor dreams but instead it was dark and "vivid" like a David Fincher movie. The part I really remember is rushing my way towards a train/el station trying to make the departure time. As I weave myself through loads of other travelers, I can feel my bag that carries EVERYTHING - new phone, organizer, cash, journal sliding off my shoulder. But for some reason I don't turn around to catch it right away. Its as though I need to get to the train platform first and then go back.

So I make my way to the escalator. As I'm riding down, I change my mind. I turn and do the insane task of climbing the opposite direction of the escalator. I do it, I finally make it to the top. Now to find my purse, I'm looking all over the place when one the security folks helps me and locates my purse in the garbage. And I as I know from experience, when the purse is in the garbage, there is nothing to be found in the purse. But I searched anyway franticly. Pointless. I just remember quite vividly the anger and the injustice and the very real desire to punch a wall.

.:] Ego Petting [:.

I made the LOTUS list with Jeanine Garofolo! Yay me!

.:] hee hee [:.

Amy Sedaris in the Onion A.V. Club!

.:] Sunday Paper Opus [:.

And I ain't talking classical music!

Berkeley Breathed has resurrected my fave pengy! woo-hoo! - a favorite old Outland strip

.:] seagull [:.

seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull hi mitten seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull hi bn! seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull seagull. there.

.:] help? [:.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
You might find yourself trying to learn a new computer program today, dear Virgo. At first, you might find it a little mind-boggling, but as you continue to catch on you'll find that it makes things a lot easier for you. You should master it more quickly than you might think. This may sound minor, but it will improve your productivity a lot from here on out, leaving you room to explore further possibilities or pay attention to matters that are important.

So I've got all these new templates and even a new blog for my AvonWalk dilly (*nods to MK*). Just waiting for my registration to go through and get my official page. However, I still need the home page tweaked. *ahem* Anyone wanna see my template? I think we're all friends here...

.:] My Mar [:.

Mom never fails to surprise me.

First she pisses me off. Our family has quite the collection of ...junk. Its mostly stored in the garage but its ALL over the house in the D.G. So I got a brilliant idea I'd received from going to the Avon Meeting. I'd asked if I could hold a garage sale and use the profits towards my donation. My mom started laughing; " yeah, like that is going to happen." My face reddened. When I had asked her what she meant by that, she'd pointed out that I'd said I'd like to have a garage sale in the past but I never got around to it.

I was livid: "Do you want me to prove you wrong? Is that what you want? 'Cause I'll do it!" She just kinda rolled her eyes at me then we took off to go have breakfast.

Really. My mother has survived cancer herself. What was with this attitude? What a memory to remind me of all the times I let her down. I was angry but I din't see the point in brewing in it while we sat and had breakfast. So I went on to share all my plans for fundraising. She then reminded me of all the folks we knew who had suffered from cancer, particularly breast cancer. So she shared with me a list of names that I should contact about donations. As she was driving me home, she was saying she wouldn't be able to walk the distance. So I'd mentioned that they NEEDED crew and volunteers, like folks to help pass out water or lunches. Suddenly, my mom, a nurse at Loyola, got all excited, "I could work the medical tent!" She'd even offered to try to get her boss who is currently a breast cancer patient to voluntter her medical knowledge. Man, the woman will never fail to surprise me IF I don't completely write her off when she pisses me off.

.:] travel dork [:.

Blame Rachakate.

Bold the states you've slept the night in.
Italicize the state you're in.
Underline the states you've lived in.

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas/ California/ Colorado/ Connecticut/ Delaware/ Florida/ Georgia/ Hawaii/ Idaho/ Illinois/ Indiana/ Iowa / Kansas/ Kentucky/ Louisiana/ Maine/ Maryland/ Massachusetts/ Michigan/ Minnesota/ Mississippi/ Missouri/Montana/ Nebraska/ Nevada/ New Hampshire/ New Jersey/ New Mexico/ New York/ North Carolina/ North Dakota/ Ohio/ Oklahoma/ Oregon/ Pennsylvania/ Rhode Island/ South Carolina/ South Dakota/ Tennessee/ Texas/ Utah/ Vermont/ Virginia/ Washington/ West Virginia/ Wisconsin/ Wyoming/ D.C

.:] perfection [:.

I forget that I do have a little bit of a perfectionist in my when it comes to my creations. Now that I know a lil bit more about the possibilities for the designs for the template, its taking little longer.

The mural wasn't touched today since my Pops finally got home and I had to explain the entire situation of the weekend. I'm not sure if I'd mentioned it earlier but my father is hard of hearing SO it takes two or three repeats to get the point across. A little frustrating on both sides. I hated having to break him the bad news. I kept telling him to watch the video himself b/c I couldn't bear trying to explain it all over again.

For a while he followed a thread of logic thinking that it was some sort of inside job. That somehow someone had a key. That this was just a part of the rash of burglaries in the neighborhood. But then he'd asked if I was in garage at some point. And all I said was, "yes."

The guilt came welded itself upon me. Though, I know it could've happened to anyone. It could still be part of a huge conspiracy to get ALL my Pops' power tools. All I knew was my dad was sad and I played part in it. But I think for once, we both realized that I did what I could do and that there was nothing more to be done. ok. Except to nag me about the piled up project I had the living room. I know he did that out of frustration.

I'm not perfect. I forget that.

.:]Beeyachski, Kitty, Breasts, J-Tap, Jan 23 [:.

What do these things have in common?

Well this Friday night at the Jefferson Tap the Tom Beeyachski Band will be playing to benefit Miss Kitty’s entry in the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. Profits from the gig will be donated to help this very worthy cause, because we hate it when bad things happen to good breasts.

Here are the details:
Friday Night Jan 23rd, 10:00 PM - 2AM
@ The Jefferson Tap
325 N. Jefferson St. (West Loop - Near Jefferson and Fulton)
Link to info about the Bar - http://www.jeffersontap.com

The bar has free parking in a lot two blocks south!

Tons of great entertainment for only $5 bucks!!!


-Party Tom Beeyachski

.:] Keep Away [:.

I was the woman I dislike. I am still. kinda.

I've become an indecisive girlie girl. I can't bitch about my dating situation. I really don't have one. But I feel like I've lead a few people on. I don't mean to and I'm gonna grow some balls and take care of the situation.

I think ultimately I really can't deal with anyone right now. I feel horribly lonely at times. Then I fall in love multiple times other nights. Nana's pointed out that my definition of love is way different than most others. I'm much too casual about using that intimate phrase. Anne's pointed out that I talk to just about anyone at a bar - I guess in a way that gives them the wrong idea. But really what am I supposed to do? So I get excited about other people. So I talk to other people that I don't have a lot in common with. So they're nowhere near my list. That's fine but then why do I bother giving them my number? er even my right number. Should I provide a disclaimer? Something like:" We can keep talking but you ain't seeing my bodacious tatas" or "Keep Away: Volatile Contents"?

Counting Crows - She Don't Want Nobody Near

She don't want nobody near
But you can't get away from that
They appear and disappear
And they all get a string attached
Pretty soon they've got you hanging on the line
Pretty soon they're singing one by one, the same old rhyme
They say, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"
She don't want nobody home
Cause it's a little too crowded then
But she don't want to be alone
So they just keep pouring in
Pretty soon they've got her headed for the door
She comes home to find that they're not hanging 'round no more
She says, "I'm alright, you just can't get home tonight"
Don't you wonder what she looks like in the light?
She says "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"
Pretty white-washed lies,
endless alibis
and reasons that need cleaning every night
Half a world away
You can't wash away the stain of the deceiving
And the things that you cannot believe
And well, she don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be
Pretty soon she gets them crawling up the walls
Then she wonders why they beg her please to never call
She says "I'm ok, it's alright, hey look who's on TV tonight"
She says, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"
Don't you wonder why it's dark outside at night?
She says, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"

I don't know and I don't want to deal with it right now. But I have to. I'm sticking to swing crushes. Love affairs that last 3min. Love lightly... Let go lightly... and Run like hell.

.:] Hey Barkeep! [:.

I love my bartenders.

They are some of my best friends. Always willing to lend an ear, or a shoulder, or a shot of something. And I'm always willing to be guinea pig to one of their alcoholic concoctions. If ever I need a hug, a flirting session, or advice, I've got my bartender. Hell, I've their home phone numbers. ericthebartender and ronnie make my night no matter how bad my day has been. They've both seen me in the banana cotume and still talk to me. I've even introduced ericthebartender to my boss. "This is Eric, my bartender."

MK, does this great cover of "Polyester Bride" where she'll will stick said bartenders name in the lyrics. Its adorable.

Liz Phair - Polyester Bride

I was talking not two days ago
To a certain bartender I'm lucky to know
I asked Henry my bartending friend
If I should go on dating unfamous men

And Henry said
You're lucky to even know me
You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes

And then he said
Do ya wanna be a polyester bride
Do ya wanna hang your head and die
Do ya wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale
Do ya wanna flap your wings and fly
Away from here

I was sitting not two days ago
Feeling lonely cause I'm just feeling low
And I asked Henry my bartending friend
Why is it that there are those kind of men

And Henry said
You're lucky to even know me
You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes

And then he said
Do ya wanna be a polyester bride
Do ya wanna hang your head and die
Do ya wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale
Do ya wanna flap your wings and fly
Away from here

Cause you've got time
He keeps telling me
you've got time
But I don't believe him
You've got time
Keep on pushing harder
I keep on pushing farther away
He keeps telling me maybe
He says maybe

Do ya wanna be a polyester bride
Do ya wanna hang your head and die
Do ya wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale
Do ya wanna flap your wings and fly
Away from here

Do ya wanna be a polyester bride
(Repeat 'till the end)

.:] ALAGs UNITE! [:.

As of late I've been keeping up with ole Lindyhoppin' ALAGs via blogs. ClaudineCo and annapan have not only inspired me with the way dance but the way they've set up their blogs. I know they've got years of design experience (and dance) ahead of me. But hey, if it makes you want to do better then do better, right?

I've ready taken Claudine's lead with the way she formats her LJ. I've decided to not post on there as much as just link back here. I've found a templates I like for Confessions and for Songs. Making a few changes on them then will post it up shortly. Gotta upgrade then friggin get some photos up. Finishing up the mural tonight hopefully. For something really simple, I've been taking forever with it. Today is the day for completing creativity, knocking out some of these blog drafts and throwing a virtual party on WH.

.:] At Home [:.

Its strange and lovely that I have a home that I winterize the windows, paint the walls, cook, and clean in. A place to come home to from studying and working out. Sure its a place that I get jumping at any noise outside BUT its home. I'm actually looking forward to my Pops coming home soon.

It gets me anxious to finally move (I've found the place!) but I can be patient if it means that this will be the final move and away from my family. Anne asked if I would consider going somewhere that did have any sort of family near by. {My next choice for moving right now would be LA} With the results I'd had while living in Chambana, it would make sense to do so. Yet, finishing CSMT is THE priority. So this next move is to get out of this house to get to place that I LIKE studying in. Not that I'll give up my studies at the Harold Washington Library any time soon. That's my home away from home...

.:] Bloody Ow. [:.

another reason why I mighta been HYPED up the last entry was cause I was taking pain meds.

I had my first session with a personal trainer the other day. It was only a half hour session and I was hurtin'. Hell, I still am. Cool thing, my trainer, Will, is studying bodywork too, but at a different school. So get to review my kinesiology with him because he'll go ahead and used the BIG vocabulary with me. Instead of saying a certain exercise will work "the top of you arms", its " your deltoids, superior." I get to work my brain and body at the same time. I love how he created a good session in a half hour span. Mostly upper body so it hurts even typing. And then laughing so hard last night wrecked my abs. I'm in good spirits though my body aches like a mo fo.

.:] Inspired [:.

ok I'm not going to even bother with full correct sentaences. To hell with spelling. Im friggin excited. Whatta night. Joachim back in town. That man is INSANE about Lindy and its infectious. We'll get him here in Chicago yet. OR I'll be packed up to go to Toulouse. Lil Julie...LIL JULIE out dancing. yeah, SHE's inspirational. I'm dyin'. I could puke. MK and TOM WALSH! pulling out their best stuff. Good talks about dance theory and swing gossip. People teaching each other new moves. Girl-on-girl action.....and i wasn't even drinking.

More later on the intricacies of creating something from scratch with someone else who shars your talent and skill..I'm sleepy but inspired!

.:] speechless [:.

wow.

I go over to the Margaret Cho site to get few giggles and to see what she's got to say about the Iowa Caucus and MoveOn.org.

And I find this. It concerns a "transcript" of 2 mins of her 20 min show that was published somewhere which then got her all this hate mail.

I bloody well can NOT believe the evil ignorant shit that people will go ahead and email to someone. Its fantastic. Its unreal. So incredibly ignorant.

And ignorance is bliss. I guess its true. Its been so easy for me to just bury my head from all the racist crap that goes on. But really who is going to walk up to me and tell me :"go back to China."

Funny. If these twits really had any idea about her or her comedy, they would know she doesn't have a green card, she's not a 'chink', or she doesn't care what most people think.

.:] Another list modification [:.

A while ago MK had pointed out that my original list isn't 'pacific enough. And its true.

- Knows how to enjoy drink, not to abuse it.
- A dry sense of humour. like me.
- Loves music, he strives to have, listen, or create music everyday
- Sings, I'm not asking for a fabulous voice but someone so passionate about music that they have to be a part of it, dare I say, even likes karaoke
- A thoughtful romantic in action and not just in word; in meaning not in dollars.
- Must be a dancer, not just a lindy hopper but someone who knows how to express himself with his body and is comfortable with it.
- Oooo...dances (nice and slow)
- Knows when to kick my butt if I'm being a butt.
- Knows when to leave me alone if I'm being an ass.
- Great to take on a road trip, can play the part of Captain, Navigator, and/or passenger just along for the ride.
- Will play in a water fight, snowball fight or swing on a swing set
- Opens the door - car or otherwise.
- Walks on the streetside along the sidewalk with me
- Walks with me to the playground.
- Does NOT SNORE.
- Knows movies. Has opinions about movies. Can tell me the story about a movie without completely ruining it for me
- Seriously, he has to be damn funny esp with well-timed Simpsons quotes.
- Cares more about me than money er knows where to prioritize money with our needs.
- Loves travel - whether by the seat of our pants or a well-planned adventure
- Loves long phone calls and longer letters - there's no kind of communication that he lacks in.
- Writes me notes - cause as much as I like to say action shows more, a nice word now and then on a Post it note or via text msg, is sweet.
- Likes tea
- reliable
- doesn't yell 'cause I tend to just shut down if I get yelled at and they've got to know better ways of communicating
- great in bed - ok I should be specific - great FUN in bed. If gettin' off is going to be great strain and work well, that's no fun.
- creative, resourceful, practical
- DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled
- Must dig foreign films, ie. a first choice when picking out weekend videos
- "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
- A night person that won't be too bothered when I make a late night drinky dial
- loves pets - cats and dogs
- reads A LOT - and tells me all about them books
- cracks ma shitup but times it when I don't have coffee in my mouth
- good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* ie. build stuff, fix things, and makes junk.
- looks me in the eye esp when its the kinda truth that hurts
- holds my hand in public
- doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties
- DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe
- knows high hells equals cab ride
- MUST DIG ROBOTECH
- doesn't smoke everyday
- must {heart} toys
- love video games BUT not an addict
- an extensive appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde
- geeks a lot about a lot of things
- willing to make an ass of himself
- DEALBREAKER: able to survive the Philippines- the weather and the family
- more action than talk
- more play than work
- loves food - eating it and cooking it
- a team player
- a life-time learner
- knows when to negotiate and when to stand his ground
- inspirational
- patient with me and himself
- lets me know I'm worth his time and attention every chance he can.

.:] If you look at someone long enough.. [:.

..You find their humanity. - Simon Bishop, "As Good As It Gets"

So many reasons why I adore this movie:

- eye contact. I'd only really noticed that there are amazing shots of eye contact (er references to) after I was reminded that Helen Hunt comes from the school of acting that tries to get eye contact between actors to relate emotion and intent better.

- Skeet Ulrich. yum.

- The way Simon describes the desire to draw. I thought I'd never felt that way again but then I'd started to take advantage of the free days at the Art Institute...and I feel like I just pulled off an arm cast. I feel that way after a slump in my dancing, too.

-the roadtrip scene- I swear one day I'll learn to burn the perfect roadtrip soundtrack and I'll pull over JUST to hear the stories. As if sharing stories on a roadtrip weren't cool enough...

-"You make me want to be a better man."- I'd often thought that I would love to be the muse to nice song or the subject of a beautiful piece of artwork. But this. To inspire a person to be more than they already are? Now that's fuckin' cool.

-Finally this quote:
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Its true. For one thing, what's normal? Another point, everyone's a little off kilter. I think its part of being human

.:] Clove Cigarettes [:.

Dear Nana came over to spend time with me and brought over some clove cigarettes. Blame me for getting her started on the horrible habit. I know she doesn't smoke everyday. Still, I remember the first time we shared a cigarette after I went to the cigar shop to buy my Sampoerna Extras (the same ones Eric the Bartender smokes). Since then its become one of our bonding moments, usually cloves of all sorts or in times of dire need -Marlboro- which is what my father used to smoke before he quit about fifteen years ago.

But I sat alone last night, watching a movie, with clove in hand and wondering at the appeal. I remember one of my first boyfriends used to smoke cloves. I loved the sweetness and smokiness of his kisses. Its the emotional memory but its the immediate rush for my senses. The smell, of course. A putrid cigar smell to most but a kind of incense to me. The taste, the immediate sweetness on my lips, the wafting heat on my tongue, and yes, a certain dirty flavor after I have exhaled. The sight of the dark paper of the cigarette, red and gold bands marking out the filter. The orange glow of the tip and the darkening of the paper as the oils of the clove seep through. I roll the cigarette between my index and middle fingers with a slow rhythm as I slowly exhale again. A smooth motion that continues like running the silkiness of my legs together after I've just shaved them. I hear the crackling of the cigarette. I'm not sure what causes it but I never seem to notice it in the regular cigarettes that I smoke at the bar with my Black and Blue.

yes, its strange, smoking here in my father's house. but its comforting. Nana knew it would be.

.:] Here I Am [:.

Whis usually how I start an entry in my paper journal but I can't find it right now cause My stuff is scattered and I'm flustered. But I need to write.
The garage was broken into again. This time they took stuff. Alot of it. All while my pops is down in FL. All while I was in the house. I'm scared. I feel even more unsafe here in the hood. Funny I never would think that an officer would use the word " hood."

"Do you recognize any of these guys from the hood?" he'd asked me as we watched the video tape. My father had installed a security camera after he had a break in a while ago. Here we were watching these guys go through my father things- his tools, his various electrical wires, the buckets of stuff I'd never really cared about until they came in handy while I was fixing things this week. I feel so guilty. I was the last one in the garage. I was so sure that I'd locked the garage. I always check the door. My father NAGS me about it all the time but there is no sign of forced entry.

We watched as yet ANOTHER guy comes into the garage and rifles through my portfolio. I dont even want to see the damage done to the peices inside. I left it lying on the ground. I know they are all old sketches and crappy pieces but I started tearing up standing next to the officer while I was watching this stranger go through my old portfolio.

i gotta get out of here. Just when I started to fix this house. Just when I'd decided I'd really make an effort to be a better roommate to my dad. Now, again, I can't stand this place. where I am. who I am when I'm here. I hate it here.

I gots me a stud finder...

whoo hoo!

I'm scraping my moron alert system and using the stud finder. But as a friend has pointed out recently, studs and intellectuals may be attracted to me but turn into idiots and morons as diagramed here.

While my pops is out of town I've gone to town with the power tools et al. I'm redoing my room. I don't' know what's going to happen after Pops comes back after Florida. He could decide to finally retire down there or I could completely flip out after the next karaoke session. Meanwhile, I'm repainting and I forgot to mention MURAL! Knock one of the 25 list! What a great year so far....Bring on the studs!

.:] From the Chinky Journal [:.

I can't bear how this family does not communicate. It so pisses me off. Fine, Dad doesn't see fit to mention that he's driving cross country till the day before. Fine. Then I have to bloody hear about a death in the family a week after the fact. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. What a year for the family.

Strange that I just got a copy of Kate Bush's Sensual World and heard this song after I got off the phone with Nana. I sat on the bus staring at myself crying in the window.

.:] Confession [:.

Say... I don't think I've actually had one of these in a long time...

Forgive me all, cause in case you didn't know, I've slacked, I've dropped the ball, I've failed, and I've disappointed. I start projects and don't finish them. I talk big and don't follow through. I make promises and I break them. I start with a bang and end in a whimper.

Well, this is to let y'all know I'm tired of doing that. Oh, and I'm tired of being scared of making promises and commitments simply because I have this fear of failure. I'm starting to remember what it was in Champaign that got me to experience the best moments in my life. I took risks. I was fearless. All because I didn't take them too seriously. Getting into the improv group was simply b/c I wanted to play some theatre games. Auditioning for theatre was simply b/c my friends were doing it. Directing was simply b/c I really liked this drama and for years the dept. only did comedy, why not toss this one in the mix? I was going to hand it off to someone else once the bid got in. But I followed through and I did it. Auditioning and joining Selling Spice was finding a funny goofy flyer looking for a singer. Hell, why not?, I'd thought. And that just opened doors to all kinds of opportunities.

The fact of the matter is that though it all seemed like a fluke at the start, a kinda whim, I DID follow through. Though there were starts and stops in the process, I motored through. Though many of the projects ended sadly, I had no regrets or bad feelings about a moment. (ok I could have timed some of the entrances and exits better for the student play.)

And now I start on another big project - that I started out on a whim. I'm taking another risk. But I'm fearless. Where I thought I did this to help out MK, I'm finding she's helping me, too. All my friends will help me. Woodwork is helping me out from Iowa. My mother and her friends are helping out. This time I know it wasn't just a fluke, I'm going to finish this. Just thought y'all should know.

.:] PSA for you Boys [:.

from Rachakate and American Social Hygiene Posters

.:] Avon Walk [:.

So I'm doing this. It's funny how sometimes things I should be completely geeking over, I pull away from instead.

The other day MK asked if I thought she would be able to pull in the 1800$ donation in. If anyone's seen Kitty in event mode, you know she can move mountains, so I said of course. But I've also seen MK in full-on self-doubt mode. So I kinda impulsively said I would do it with her. She even up the ante to 2000$. And while I was all geeked out as we IMed all this planning and ideas, my registration got rejected online for some reason. I used, what I thought might have been insufficient funds, as a vehicle for procrastination. I started doing what I usually do. Started making up excuses in my head of what to tell MK - why I couldn't do the Avon Walk - creating other things in my schedule that may create a problem.

But then there goes MK talking this thing up like mad and getting really hyped and excited. We talked again the other night, making plans, etc. And as it usually turns out if I take a moment and stop thinking about me for a tic, I have ALOT of people to do this for. My mother is a survivor of cancer. So is my aunt. So is a classmate.

The major part of my fundraising is going to be from donating massages. I had the wonderful opportunity of working with cancer patients during my community outreach with CSMT. I'll have to share more of those stories as I remember them 'cause many of these ladies shared their stories with me. Its one of many reasons why I feel blessed that I have this gift to share with people that are sick. If I can share my time and massages with fundraising for this event, then good. And I get to support my friend as she does her fundraising, then awesome. And get a great reason to train and get in shape and knock another item off my list of things to do before I die, then mo' better. If I get to come away from all of this knowing that I accomplished all of this mindfully and not just impulsively, then the best!

Meanwhile you can check out the Avon Walk online and go ahead make your donations!

.:] Swing, Swing [:.

So one of my zillion other little jobbers is doing promotions for a cellular company. I get to shop (no selling, just hawking out a free phone call anywher in the US) around this phone:

And this song is already programmed into it since it carries mp3s and has a radio in it. Its my favorite of the phones and i do love the texting ;)

All American Rejects - Swing Swing
Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her.
She's seeing other guys.
Emotions they stir.
The sun is gone.
The nights are long.
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new.

Swing, Swing from the tangles of.
My heart is crushed by a former love.
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?

Wish cast into the sky.
I'm moving on.
Sweet beginnings do arise.
She knows I was wrong.
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold.
and so do I to a new love.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)

Swing Swing Swing from the tangles of my heart,
Is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?

.:] GB Liz and MK [:.

I don't feel quite as much a leering cradle-robing slut whore wannabe today. Just a little bit.

Liz Phair - Rock Me
Oh baby you're young but that's okay
What's give or take nine years anyway
I'll bet you that cigarette
You won't regret my time

I want to be with a guy like you
So uncomplicated, so in tune
Just take off my dress
Let's mess with everybody's mind

I gotta tell you

Baby, baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
Baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
All night
Yeah rock me all night
Hey yeah yeah
Hey yeah yeah

I want to play Xbox on your floor
Say hi to your roommate who's next door
You don't have a dime, but I don't mind
Who gives a damn

Your record collection don't exist
You don't even know who Liz Phair is
Your potential with no credentials
Your mother taught you how to be a sensitive man1
I gotta tell you

Baby, baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
Baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
All night
Yeah rock me all night

Hey yeah yeah
I've been waitin'
All my life for
Hey yeah yeah
For this feelin'
Who'd 've guessed it could rock me all night
Rock me all night

You think I'm a genius
Think I'm cool
I'm starting to think that young guys rule
Oh God, let me save you
'll I might change you, and I might change my mind

Baby, baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
Baby, baby, if it's all right
Want you to rock me all night
All night
Yeah rock me all night

.:] augh. [:.

Have I mentioned that my lola has an electronic organ downstairs right beneath my bedroom? That she likes to play early in the morning. While I'm sleeping. Not a keyboard. An organ. Also... Ron Jeremy has an organ that has been in a lot of movies.

.:] New 25 for the New Year [:.

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Walk/run a charity marathon
2. Japan
3. Learn Guitar
4. Master Escrima
5. Go Canoeing with Rusty
6. Do a one-woman show
7. Be a mother
8. Direct a play in the Virginia
9. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
10. France
11. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
12. Be on film
13. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
14. Own a Convertible
15. Be debt-free
16. Paint a mural
17. Do an art show or art fair
18. Be a wife
19. Write a love letter
20. Live in California
21. Visit New York City (for real)
22. Learn to snowboard
23. Graduate with my bachelors
24. Own a puppy.
25. Live in an apartment by a river

NEW lists - and there are ALOT of them

Borrowed the idea of these next few lists from MK's honorary brother

In 2003...

Five Lessons I've Learned:
5. Get that shit out of your mouth.
4. A moron, is a moron, is a moron.
3. There is SO much MORE to learn.
2. That I'm much more smarter, talented, and creative than I give myself credit.
1. Its not as bad as you think its going to be.

Five Worst Things That Happened To Me.
5. The realization that my parents divorce was final.
4. Going to the Philippines for my Grandmother's funeral - well the jet lag and subsequent depression.
3. Laving Jamba and CSMT.
2. Moving from Surf er dating J. - its a toss-up
1. Hitting bottom once again

Five Best Things That Happened To Me.
5. Living with my Pops - despite all my bitching - but its true.
4. CSMT
3. Bein' the Bunny (and the Banana) and the infinite perks and journal entries that go with them.
2. Finding my artwork(s) and resolving to keep creative.
1. Knowing what I want to do with my life and knowing that I have the determination to do it.

Seven Best Achievements From 2003.
7. Bloody finally getting into a Jack and Jill final and getting second place
6. Creating a safety net that works
5. Staying Alive. No. Not the album.
4. Getting my moron alert system on line again.
3. Figuring out what I want.
2. Getting this blog site.
1. Realize I'm doing a "practical art" that actually helps people.

Goals I'd Like To Have Accomplished By The End Of 2004:
5. Charity Marathon
4. Learn guitar
3. Canoeing with Rusty
2. Be Settled in my own place
1. Graduation from CSMT!

The Things I'm Looking Forward To The Most In 2004:
5. Election year!
4. Cubbies!
3. Getting My Very Own Place - ok mebbe with a roommate but dammit it'll still be mine.
2. Jackson Hole
1. Graduation! Finally!

.:] New List [:.

Y'all know I've my 25 Things To Do Before I Die List (to updated soon) but Woodwork suggested this one:

Stuff to Do in a 6 Months Time
- moved out
- finish up with CSMT
- go to strip club
- go to MCA
- learn to snowboard
- lindy comp
- visit LA
- convince Rocco to come and visit for his birthday and the Auto Show
- build up stamina for JH and Avon Walk
- learn to surf
- watch expenses
- live music, musuem or play - once a week

.:] blech [:.

why can't computer be infalliable things like I expect them to be. dambit.

Aside from the damn buggers, trojan horses, stupid pop-up ads, losing dsl, and now a dumbass font configuration my dad's messing around with.. I've lost two Bunny entries on WH and a very nice little short ditty about the lovely boy I ran into tonight. Oh, and I've realized I'm getting phantom Carpal Tunnel symptoms cause I've been on the damn computer for so long. Classic tension in the shoulder capsule for all you therapists out there ;) Got a student massage at the clinic which was relaxing enough but it didn't solve the problem (the student I got was in a class that didn't cover clinical massage yet or was a moron cause I told him: Pec one and two.)

.:] sigh... [:.

Man I haven't heard this song in forever. God Bless adverts.

The Cure - Pictures Of You

I've been looking so long at these
Pictures of You
yhat I almost beleive that they're real I've
Been living so long with my pictures of you that
I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as
I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as
The sky fell in holding you close how I always
Held close in your fear remembering you
Running soft through the night you were bigger
And brighter and wider than snow and
Screamed at the make-believe screamed at the
Sky and you finally found all your courage to
Let it all go

Remembering you fallen into my arms crying
For the death of your heart you were stone
White so delicate lost in the cold you were
Always so lost in the dark remembering you
How you used to be slow drowned you were
Angels so much more than everything oh hold
For the last time then slip away quietly open
My eyes but I never see anything

If only I had thought of the right words I could
Have hold on to your heart if only I'd thought of
The right words i wouldn't be breaking apart all
My pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you but I
Never hold on to your heart looking so long for
The words to be true but always just breaking
Apart my pictures of you

There was nothing in the world that I ever
Wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world that I ever
Wanted more than to never feel the breaking
Apart all my pictures of you

.:] What song, if any, reminds of you of me? [:.

First one to say "yellow" or that damn song from 2LiveCrew, gets a kick in the teeth. (I so wasn't kidding about the anger and bile.) But don't let that threat discourage you... do tell.

.:] sexy quote [:.

"There is nothing so enchanting, exhilarating, and intimidating as a blank page or a naked woman."

Reading that blew me away. Got it from reading rachakate and then from tdj. I'd imagine if I had a true appreciation of all things in engineering, I'd really get all kinds of hot and bothered. But since I've been doing a lot more artwork lately, it translated differently and I'm just turned on. kinda.

.:] It makes my ass twitch...[:.

I have been so full of anger and bile as of late. I've hated and raged and hated and cried and basically flipped out. This all over what woodwork has so succinctly described as "an environment you have absolutely no control over." In a steamed exchange of words over the weekend, my father had told me, "well maybe you should move out." This after I've FINALLY asked him to turn down the music. *sigh*

But after talking to my sisters, they'd convinced me he didn't mean it. However, I've never despised the position I'm in more than I did last night. I just wanted to finish some work at home before going out to do some dancing but another round of loud karaoke and I lost it. Then at some point, while I was getting ready to make my escape, I'd realized for all this crying and banging shit around - No one noticed nor did they care. So two questions: Am I reacting like this expecting to get attention? Does anyone there really give a damn?

It reminds me of a time I had while in Montreal. I was getting really sad and depressed. Yet there was this big beautiful city, a honkin' jazz fete, an exchange, and all my dancey friends from all over were there. It got to the point that slept through all the major exchange events I was so sad. And I was getting upset that no one noticed or seemed to care. It was a worse feeling than when you try to call a load of people and no one picks up.

I din't really have an answer to my problem that weekend. Just tried to enjoy it as much as I could and swore to return to really truly enjoy Montreal. And as so far I don't really have an answer. It might seem as though I'm running away from the problem which I was prone to do in the past, but I'm starting to believe that getting out of this house is just going to be soooooo much more healthier for me. I dunno. Something worth examining in therapy.

On a high note, the unicorn (seriously, chivalry? I thought it a myth.) made a brief appearance at GDS last night. I love dancing with him. Sadly, he'll probably move to France and not Chicago. He must be homesick in a way I'd never know,. The way he'd described the way of life... I'm so jealous. At the least, I'd think I've convinced him visit again before the flies off to Toulouse. Meanwhile, I'm brushing up on my French with Marnie and watching French Kiss again....

No Man is an Island

....To quote Jon Bon Jovi.

My dear friend Sagar once tried to comfort me long ago when I was in one of my drunk dialing tirades. Mind you he was all the way in LA and it was probably 3 in the morning. He went on to tell me how, if he could he would put me in a beautiful house filled with music, art, books, and flowers. There would be a huge library filled with all my favorite books and the works of poets and playwrites. A music room would have a crazy collection of CDs and instruments. There would be galleries and galleries of painting and prints. Gardens would be filled with flowers and sculptures. This house and everything in it would be on an island were no one else would be there to hurt me or distract me. Not one person because EVERYTHING would be magical and all my food would just magically appear.

Its become a dream of mine. Not entirely unattainable, I think. Its certainly something to strive for. Not that I don't want to be surrounded by people - cause I would. But I don't have to have people around me that aren't part of my art and music and inspiration. Well I've created a little island for myself here.

Gettin' Ma 2004 on, YO!!

Sigh. Finally got a real geek to help get us back online. My attempts at geek tech resulted, in well, I dont' know b/c all I do know is Pops lost our original DSL line. And now I've signed my soul to the Devil for 2 free months. All just to get my internet jollies. I feel dirty. And addicted...