.: Letting Go :.

uh... I woke up not really looking forward to the day.

I had two clients to meet. The first was going to be a challenge, shoulder problems, which I should have found very appealing. Alas, I think I've mentioned how out of it I've been of late. It was worse since I'd had a strange bit of insomnia that had me watching M.A.S.H. at four in the morning.

Plus she was an early client. I'd opened up shop early for her. We'd met the day before when I was giving tune up chair massages and I had mentioned that shoulder patholgies were my specialty. Turns out she's a breast cancer survivor. So I mention my volunteer work at 1000 waves and the desire to learn lymph drainage. Don't know why I didn't mention my Avon Walk... she IS kinda loaded... any who...

So this morning, I'm feeling cranky and drained as is... for awhile there I was doubting how well I was doing ...but she would say, "Yep, you got it."

Turns out to be a talker... doesn't want to relax and fall asleep.. just keeps chatting with me. She unloads her recent stressors on me and we even got to talk about some of my recent problems.

Then it happens. She cried. Emotional Release. Its happens fairly often with cancer patients. Its so frustrating and stressful trying to live a normal life all the while getting poked and prodded; hoping not to be disappointed. Our muscles hold memories and when I worked out some sore spots she finally let go. It was ok to cry. She kept apologising but I told her it was alright. I just stopped working on her but kept my hands where I'd stopped.

We finished soon after. I gave her some good homework to keep what muscles we did work on in good shape. I even gave her something to just think about - My professor had said that there are times when the body just armours itself from psychological pain. Watch certain people that look as though their chests have collapsed with their shoulders turned inward. They are protecting their hearts...

Then I sent her on her way. I stripped the sheets from the bad and set the room for my next client. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands like I always do. Cleanses away all that I may have picked up from my client. - oil, dirt, psychic energies, bad feelings. Dried my hands. Sat on the toilet seat. Cried.

.: More Lists :.

So darling MK had revived her list recently... so went and dug up mine...

It kinda makes me sad how much I have been ignoring it and been obviously unhappy. Kitty added onto hers this last time around. I've only added one more thing... This time around I'll pay attention to it more...

List of Things I Want in My Partner in Crime

- Knows how to enjoy drink, not to abuse it.
- A dry sense of humour. like me.
- Loves music, he strives to have, listen, or create music everyday
- Sings, I'm not asking for a fabulous voice but someone so passionate about music that they have to be a part of it, dare I say, even likes karaoke
- A thoughtful romantic in action and not just in word; in meaning, not in dollars.
- Must be a dancer, not just a lindy hopper but someone who knows how to express himself with his body and is comfortable with it.
- Oooo...dances (nice and slow)
- Knows when to kick my butt if I'm being a butt.
- Knows when to leave me alone if I'm being an ass.
- Great to take on a road trip, can play the part of Captain, Navigator, and/or passenger just along for the ride.
- Will play in a water fight, snowball fight or swing on a swing set
- Opens the door - car or otherwise.
- Walks on the streetside along the sidewalk with me
- Walks with me to the playground.
- Does NOT SNORE... more than me
- Knows movies. Has opinions about movies. Can tell me the story about a movie without completely ruining it for me
- Seriously, he has to be damn funny esp with well-timed Simpsons quotes.
- Cares more about me than money er knows where to prioritize money with our needs.
- Loves travel - whether by the seat of our pants or a well-planned adventure
- Loves long phone calls and longer letters - there's no kind of communication that he lacks in.
- Writes me notes - cause as much as I like to say action shows more, a nice word now and then on a Post it note or via text msg, is sweet.
- Likes tea
- reliable
- doesn't yell 'cause I tend to just shut down if I get yelled at and they've got to know better ways of communicating
- great in bed - ok I should be specific - great FUN in bed. If gettin' off is going to be great strain and work well, that's no fun.
- creative, resourceful, practical
- DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled
- Must dig foreign films, ie. a first choice when picking out weekend videos
- "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
- A night person that won't be too bothered when I make a late night drinky dial
- loves pets - cats and dogs
- reads A LOT - and tells me all about them books
- cracks ma shitup but at times it when I don't have coffee in my mouth
- good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* ie. build stuff, fix things, and makes junk.
- looks me in the eye esp when its the kinda truth that hurts
- holds my hand in public
- doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties
- DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe
- knows high hells equals cab ride
- MUST DIG ROBOTECH
- doesn't smoke everyday
- must {heart} toys
- makes me laugh ... in bed
- love video games BUT not an addict
- an extensive appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde
- geeks a lot about a lot of things
- willing to make an ass of himself
- DEALBREAKER: able to survive the Philippines- the weather and the family
- more action than talk
- more play than work
- loves food - eating it and cooking it
- a team player
- a life-time learner
- knows when to negotiate and when to stand his ground
- inspirational
- patient with me and himself
- lets me know I'm worth his time and attention every chance he can.
- touches me not just because he knows it will make me smile but because he wanted to anyways

.: Flossin' :.

yeah so I am doing a short stint as American Girl... again.

So if you happen to be in the Chicagoland area on the 23rd and 30th, Check it out. If you're real nice I can get you a pass... OR if your Dev you can sneak in...

Tak, tak, motherfuckers...

.: What Am I To You? :.

Its been a while since I've posted up some lyrics... its about time for this one... indeed.

What am I to you? - Norah Jones

What am I to you?

Tell me darlin' true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feelin' low
To whom else do you go?
I'd cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

Now if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I'll love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

If my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never wanna part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in you eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me?
Would you carve me in a tree?
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

.: Sunday :.

Finally here at Lindy By the Lake. No music goin' on quite yet... so here I am on a laptop while ppl are biking, strolling, roller blading, or even playing beach volleyball just a few feet away from me. I am such a dork.

This is a nice place to so some writing as I am waiting. I am waiting to do some dancing to ease some pain. Some of the pain is from dancing at the last night at the Artful Dodger. Its kinda like having some of the hair of the dog that bit ya...

Some of the pain is from heartache. Cut some strings last night and hoping to tie up some other strings today.... though I doubt this will happen. Why would i expect things to be different? That's just begging for disappointment. All in all, I think I am doing things differently for myself.. making healthier choices... and to be honest it feels [wonkavox]weird.[/wonkavox]

Speaking of Wonka, I don't even want to say a word about the movie. I don't want to ruin it for anyone. So I will say this: if ANY of my dear readers want to watch it with me, I will TOTALLY go again... MUMBLER!

That and I saw a 21 Jumpstreet episode this weekend. Ain't it love when you admire someone despite the lame ass shite they've done in the past?

BEST text msg EVAH! - "Lame lame lame lame-o stupid dummy lame-o. Have you ever looked at the dude you are humping and ask why he like that dumb girl?

Manda, me thinks me needs a throat punch.

Speaking of throat punch...Last karaoke night for KJ Chris this Wednesday... Come to Holiday and watch me throw down PILAFINO style! "My Way" baby!

.: maroon :.

What time is it? Moron season again? I think that a good explanation can be found here...
Is Eric the Bartender, right? Perfectly fine, intelligent men become morons. Perhaps I will become that spinster aunt.

Perhaps no. My mother had cursed me long ago to have a child that's s'posed to be just like me.... a horrific challenge and probably horrifically torturous.. yet I don't think would be a bad thing to have someone else in the world like me.. not too bad..

.: The New New 25 Things List :.

Bugger Devon...

ok so Four Things off the List...

4)Be in Film.. Did that with Devon's film "Errands"... technically I was think more of a speaking role and more clothes on...

OK, so NEW list!

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Japan
2. Learn Guitar
3. Master Escrima
4. Go Canoeing with Rusty
5. Do a one-woman show
6. Be a mother
7. Direct a play in the Virginia
8. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
9. France
10. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
11. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
12. Own a Convertible
13. Be debt-free
14. Do an art show or art fair
15. Be a wife
16. Write a love letter
17. Live in California
18. Visit New York City (for real)
19. Graduate with my bachelors
20. Own a puppy.
21. Live in an apartment by a river
22. Learn to surf
23. Run a 5K
24. Publish poems
25. Vist London (For Real)

.: New 25 Things To Do Before I Die List :.

here its been well over a year since my last update. Knocked three things off.. not too shabby.

1)Walk/Run for charity... Done in June 2004 with AvonWalk. Doing it again.

2)Paint a mural.. too bad its at Pops'.. it was pretty sweet... only a graphic but I done good.

3)Learn to snowboard.. Did it! after injury.. not all that great but I bloody well did it.. Hell, I impressed Hedds and I met Ty Ty the Medical Guy.

So here's the update... **drumroll**

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Japan
2. Learn Guitar
3. Master Escrima
4. Go Canoeing with Rusty
5. Do a one-woman show
6. Be a mother
7. Direct a play in the Virginia
8. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
9. France
10. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
11. Be on film
12. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
13. Own a Convertible
14. Be debt-free
15. Do an art show or art fair
16. Be a wife
17. Write a love letter
18. Live in California
19. Visit New York City (for real)
20. Graduate with my bachelors
21. Own a puppy.
22. Live in an apartment by a river
23. Learn to surf
24. Run a 5K
25. Publish poems

.: today :.

this is the day I get alot of online crap done.

Not ALOT to do today in the office.. and I've been working hard so I figured thisis my day to play hookey online.

Ok, that and I have to vent here for a moment.

My car is dying.

Its been slow going, I know. All the signs were there. I just kinda put blinders on and kinda hoped that I would have him until atleast the Fall. But I just got the call that he's on his last legs. A glance at the Blue Book value and I know I have to let go. I'm not sure what to do. I'm in a bit of a fluster at the moment. The thought that I am going to be caught in the vortex known as the Village of Downers Grove is making me a bit nausated. I suppose I could beg mar for the Soccer Mom Mobile but at what cost?...besides the 40 dollars it takes to fill that damn tank... who knows what kinda emo/psycho ball and chain goes with that tank?

ack. more later.. and it will more than likely be back dated...

.: Strange Dream :.

What a strange morning.. I woke up dreaming of London ... Walking in Trafalgar Square ...a red double decker bus goes by... watching a deformed pigeon hopping on one foot...

I woke up to a phone call from my sister...barely aware that my radio alarm was blaring NPR. "There's been a bombing in London," Hedds tells me.

I just started bawling. It was like being in London on 9/11. I was so confused. I didn't know what to do with what I was hearing.

"... Explosions in downtown London...2 fatalities and numerous injuries..." from the radio.

"...so tell Mom to call Auntie..." from Hedda. I look into the mirror across my room. I'm wearing an old London Underground t-shirt. Probably a souviener from our last visit.

I rush downstairs and find my mother dialinng on the phone. There are images on the TV screen in the living room...unreal. Everything looks like Trafalgar. The marketplace where I learned about the Towers.

I can hear my mother talking on the phone.

"Do you want to talk to your auntie?"

I nod and grab the phone. "Are you alright?" I ask.

"Of course I am," she coos lightly in her lovely English accent. I'm being completely foolish. My Aunt and Cousine Kam live hours away from London. Auntie Lil goes on to relate how the neighborhood was all a twitter and her difficulty in getting hold of Kam and Andrew. She said, "Then I took a nap..." but everyone was ok.

No, not everyone's ok ...horrible times...

Kam, Andrew... I love and miss you guys... email me?

.: what I *do* know ?:.

So what I do know of the plight of the politics and peoples of Africa is via Live8 but perhaps more specifically Eddie Izzard on )this website (even more pacifically.)

Is it horribly sad that I stay in touch with the world via a tranny English comedian? I'd signed up www.one.org last year at a concert I was working. I thought it interesting especially seeing Bono promoting the ideas on Oprah. Even now just writing up names of celebrities seems to take away from the importance of looking exactly happening in Africa. Luckily I got a bit more insight and little less glam on Fresh Air today.

I feel a bit guilty about my ignorance however I can't think of a more brilliant person to speak on the subject than Izzard. I happen to like him a bit more than Bono.

“Why am I involved in Make Poverty History? Anyone asked to get involved should want to – just out of common humanity. The six billion people in the world should all have an equal chance – we want to create a level playing field for rich and poor countries alike. I’m not sure the celebrities will help to change world leaders’ minds, but they raise awareness. It’s the people, the activists – all these people here at the rally today who make a difference. Will we make poverty history? It may not happen this week, but we can make a start on the road to overcoming poverty. The G8 could cancel the debt and grant more aid straight away. Trade justice may take a little longer. I would say to the G8: ‘Leave a legacy – make poverty history!’ - Eddie Izzard

.: Fourth of July :.

400 water balloons...the tradition continues... I CANNOT wait.

.: First Client:.

had my first spa client today... almost missed it because my phone had died. It was scheduled for right before I usually come into do my reception work. Well, I've a new happy client that will be coming in next week for deep tissue work... on my very professional recommendation.

I was just telling RP today that I'm still not used to hearing that my family is proud of me and that I'm finally getting my shit together. Today, I think I'm starting to believe that I *am* starting to get my shit together. After I finished my session today, there was a strange sense of accomplishment that rarely happens after a massage. Then after I checked out the client and signed her up for another session, she walked out the door and I did a happy Ewok dance. Like I do.

That reminds me. I miss B. Lang and WreckerMatt. and the other Matt too.