.:] Happy Holidays Indeed [:.

Pops just pulled the infamous Christmas Ham out of the oven. The air is filled with the smell of brown sugar and cloves - I can't complain about a damn thing. That's so wonderfully refreshing.. my sisters will be over in a little bit to celebrate the Eve here with us. Then off to a midnight mass... This is going to be a very different Christmas indeed. The first Christmas after my parents have divorced officially. Tomorrow is Christmas Day Dinner with Mar. With Rusty and Randall, Auntie Wing and Auntie Lorrainne's families, etc. It'll be much like Christmas was but with the DG house feeling more and more like a place to visit...

I'd had an outstanding holiday yesterday. For once, I had a very productive day @ work while on the phone with what I believe was a unicorn. Had a good workout then a lovely spa before meeting up with said unicorn at one of my favorite architectural landmarks, the Monadnock. Went off to spend some sketch time with Larado Taft @ the AIC . I'd forgotten to ask where the unicorn went while I was sketching. We had some stuffed pizsa before going to drink ourselves silly and jam out with PartyTom and swingdoc. There was a lovely point of the night that I got to get a good look at everyone and get sentimental. I was surrounded by dear friends, old and new, that love to be with me and my drunk ass. They love to sing, joke, banter, insult, and share stories AND dance... with me! Though Kim said it must have been a mistake that got invited, she told me that she loved me and was glad that I showed up when I finally got my ass out of her lovely home this morning. And there's a tie for my favoritest Christmas/Holiday song this year:

Liz Phair version - Baby Its Cold Outside

I really can't stay - But baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Oh, baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to that fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Oh beautiful, please don't hurry
Maybe just a half a drink more - Why don't you put some records on while I pour

The neighbours might think - Oh baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - There's no cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense of hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Oh baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - You know it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Oh, your lips are delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Like waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Oh, your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a cigarette more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'd freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - You know it's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - I thrill when you touch my hand
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Dido - On Christmas Day

A young gentleman came riding past
On a snow blue winter's day
He asked to drink, by our fire,
And I was pleased to let him stay
He drank there quietly for a while,
Then he turned and said to me
Your eyes are green, like summer grass,
Your lips are red like a fresh cut rose,
Your hair is soft like an irish stream
And your voice is filled with sweet beauty
And the last words I heard him say
Were "I shall return, for you, my love, on christmas day"
The night will come but I won't sleep,
As I watch the stars that lead him,
I cannot place where his is,
But still my heart goes with him,
I'm savin all my sunday clothes
For the day the day that I'll be leavin
Father knows, my sister knows,
And my friends, they're happy for me
And the priest he says, you should thank god,
For the blessing of such beauty,
And the last words I heard him say
Were "I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day"
I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day.
And the last words I heard him say
Were the last words I ever heard him say
I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day
I swear, I will return on christmas day,
And yes, I shall return on christmas day
I shall return, for you, on christmas day,
My love I will return on christmas day,
I shall return, my love on christmas day
On christmas day...

.:] Never Settle For Less update [:.

thought this was necessary because well, MK inspired me with her list. From reading her list, it makes me think that I don't really have much of a list. It also makes me realize why we get attracted to the same kinda guys. Though I most definitely prefer mine with a good head of hair. I also like how she refers to her list as a way to actualization. My list was inspired by Mariza's list that brought her my cousin, Jay.

...doesn't drink everyday .. sense of humour .. loves music .. sings .. thoughtful romantic .. dances (nice and slow) .. knows when to kick my butt .. knows when to leave me alone .. great to take on a road trip .. will play in a water fight .. opens the door - car or otherwise .. walks along with me on the streetside .. walks with me to the playground .. does NOT SNORE .. knows movies .. funny .. cares more about me than money .. loves travel .. loves long phone calls and longer letters .. writes me notes .. likes tea .. reliable .. doesn't yell .. great in bed .. creative .. resourceful .. practical .. DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled .. foriegn films .. risk taker .. a night person .. loves pets - cats and dogs .. reads ALOT .. cracks ma shitup .. good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* .. looks me in the eye .. holds my hand in public .. doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties .. DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe .. helps with jacket .. MUST DIG ROBOTECH .. doesn't smoke everyday .. must {heart} toys .. love video games BUT not an addict .. an appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde .. funny .. geeks alot about alot of things.. willing to make an ass of himself .. DEALBREAKER: able to survive the Philippines .. more action than talk .. more play than work .. loves food .. a team player .. a life-time learner .. knows when to negotiate and when to stand his ground .. inspirational .. patient with me and himself .. lets me know I'm worth his time and attention ..

.:] Busy Day [:.

Busy plans for tomorrow er today... work, workout, visit the Art Institute of Chicago, convince young HeyYou to move to Chicago, and hot tub. *phew*

2 things: one. Phone is down. Apparently I'd missed a call/chance to catch another open mic with MK. I've been working with the sketches I have but I'm not all that happy with all of them (explaining the visit to AI). I did give MK one of the pieces that has worked so far - primarily b/c she is the subject ;) Sorry if I haven't returned calls. I'll try to figure this all out tomorrow as well.

two. Interesting view into the male psyche with a walking talking real-life version of John Cusack's character in High Fidelity tonight. I'll have to expound more later as anne-girl and I did a pub crawl with self-loathing bloke - I need to pass out and start a new day. sorta.

.:] banana [:.

when was the last time I ever wrote a banana story?

.:] one more time... with meaning... [:.

Woke up to this...

John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tried to be something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin that I've been trippin' in
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll glady go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry
Wait for my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

and this radio interview continues to ask John Mayer what the real meaning of the song is... He replies: It doesn't have any meaning to it. Actually, I want to be the "Pour Some Sugar On Me" of our times. ...Pooour some sugar on me..in the name of love!...poour some sugar on me..." I damn near pissed maself.

.:] Sistahs [:.

Firstly, I'd come across this magazine I'd prolly seen a thousand times as I flyer the city. Its gravity, the Columbia College magazine. But this time I notice that on the cover is Jenny Choi and Yoko Noge. Two of the greatest Asian American female inspirations to my writing and music. Here's a great article about them. You can download a Jenny Choi song from that site as well.

I'd come across some interesting essays I'd written in college about the entire submissive, passive, exotic myths of AA women. Man, I can understand why my sister believed that I was getting racist... But its true perceptions from experiences from my part. Its weird that I joke about it now but the issue of mail order brides used to get me raging to tears...

And came across a wonderful collection of short stories/eloquent five chapters: When the Emperor Was Divine by Julie Otsuka. Reminds me very much of the collection Seventeen Syllables by Hisaye Yamamoto. While Yamamoto 's prose describes interesting recollections of life in the Japanese internment camps, I think Otsuka, by using different aspects of one Japanese American family gives, in a beautiful little package, all the stories I'd ever read about the camps. Its a quick read, folks. Educational and insightful readings of an incident in American history that was never included in my high school textbook.

.:]...yawn...[:.

tough getting up this morning after the roller coaster yesterday... besides I was all warm and snuggly in blankets.

Got to spend time with Hedds, who if I hadn't mention it before has blown out her knee again. Prolly ACL. Its so disheartening to see her hobbling around on crutches. She's usually the one that's zooming around working out and getting errands done before I get my morning tea. She'd gotten into a yucky blue period the last time it happened while she was rockstarring on the Loyola soccer team. And it surely didn't help her spirits to find out that one of her favorite restaurants, Lakeview on Ashland, will not be there the next time she comes back. Luckily Matt's been a saintly sweetheart and taking care of my sister. And she's firm to her commitment to become vegan in the new year so we've a pact to have a blow out sushi night after Christmas but before New Year's!

and then I'd decided to call Ddub out of the blue and we'd decided to meet up for drinkies. I hadn't seen him since well, before we broke up. For all the times I'd thought I'd missed him and wanted to talk to him about all sorts of crap, I just couldn't. I was all in my head and self-editing which makes for no conversation. I'd realized he was right, I didn't talk to him like I talked to other people. It became perfectly clear when in an interesting discussion of American and global medical policy I couldn't get a word in - and that is one issue, as a person in the alternative health/preventative medicine profession, that I would have loads of crap to expound on. But I hated HATED feeling as though I needed to create a prescence to partake in a conversation. After many starts and stops to trying to get into the conversation, I gave up and started to shoot the shit with the cute waitress. Later, I had the chance to ask HeyYou the questions I'd wanted.... I hate feeling badly...

Ok, need yummy list...

- saunas
- French accents :drool:
- Wonderfully skanky Miss Lesley songs
- brandy soaked cherries
- laughing so hard I have to stop dancing
- making sweet sweet love on the dance floor
- finding what thought you'd never see again
- someone finding a song just for you
- finding a newbie like finding a diamond on the sidewalk - ok this deserves expanding... a new guy at Bungalow asks me to dance. Starts off with east coast swing, and then simple lindy moves, and then starts stylin like mad and I'm keeping up. Its cool to find someone who can dance but someone who is consciencous and wants to dance to your level and so bothers to take it slow...wow.
- finding another bartender who rocks
- pretty manicures
- late long phone calls
- Cookie Monster

.:] dissed appointed [:.

I friggin hate disappointment. It just shows what kinda of ridiculous expectation I tend to put on things. I really gotsta stop doing that shit. But poor woodwork is missing out on Chicago AGAIN and I'm missing out on my first strip club. Boo fuckin' hoo...

Its really kinda sad, I'd figured out what horrible things happen when we plans to meet. A few weeks ago he had the flu er something. The time before that his car got towed. This time his car ran a patch of ice and slid into a light pole. The time before the last time I bashed my head after this guy tried to kiss me. Dude, its gotta be a sign...

oh so speaking of strip clubs... belcanto and I had another interesting conversation about being an "escort." She'd pointed out that on craigslist (which I guess I still need to check out) that there was an ad about some guy very simply wanting to watch a girl put stockings on. ok, i'm hoping stockings, you know the ones with a garterbelt? 'Cause we were thunking that watching a girl putting on pantyhose...not the most graceful, sexy thing to see. Would I be an escort? If I were, I'd have a blog much like this.

oh, dear woodwork, mebbe you should call me after you read this..and you too ROCCO, you punk!

.:] Early Presents [:.

Feel free to use this blog as a chararter witness to my slow madness from my Dad's karaoke. I swear, I'm not making this up.

ok so list of happy things, as I blow my hearing listening to CRANKED UP Christmas tunes. Not just your classic crap, but Dido and Sting singing wonderful hymms, etc. The Jackson Five giving love on Christmas. George Micheal bitching about how Last Christmas he got screwed over. You know what I mean...

COOLEST RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS: I was sprinting to catch a bus and I totally missed it. A car pulls up and honks at me. I ignore it cause I just fucking missed a bus, ASSHOLE. Then they roll down their window and this girl goes: You just miss your bus? I say, yeah. Jump in. I can catch it, she tells me. So I jump into a complete stranger's car. We Chat for the next five blocks and I catch my bus. How cool is that?

Hedds does the coolest random acts of kindness of anyone I know. One time in college, a couple asked her for change as she was going to her car. She goes on to drive this couple to the closest grocery store and offers to buy them their dinner. The cool part of the story was that the couple compared prices and tried to get the cheapest stuff they could. My sisters are so good hearted.

Hedds is flying in tonight. Rusty and Rachel are finally in Downers Grove and Randall will be over for Christmas at Mar's. Woodwork comes to visit this weekend. Its like Christmas is here early.

.:] Open Letter [:.

I'm sorry that its been a while since I'd returned your email...

I was in some sort of holding pattern knowing that I'm going to finish massage school, but not knowing exactly when. Then I went to what was supposed to be my graduation night last night. It was the first time that I'd seen the rest of my classmates since I'd left without notice. Needless to say, I'm now inspired. One of the student speakers even announced to the class that I was in the audience. But some important words that I'd heard from one of my professors were "feelings of self-doubt" and "time for self-healing." even after graduation.

Now I know why I didn't graduate with the rest. I felt as though I had to be completely healthy and free of doubt before I could practice. What every professor that did speak alluded to the fact that this is a journey where I will not always know everything, I will not always heal, and I will have to ask for help. Meeting with my classmates afterwards I know I have their full support and love. I always have. Why is it I never know I'm missed until I'm gone and back again?

Its true. You'd said: Sometimes you can learn more about yourself getting off track and experiencing what it takes to get back on track. Going off track made it very clear where my path is...Someone said that I was "Destination without path" and I'd believed it was true at the time. I don't think its true any longer...

.:] From the Red/White Flower Fabric Journal [:.

Going through 31 journals trying to REcollect my poetry esp from what was in the "What Should Be Song" collection. Found this gem. I was an assisting stage manager for a local theatre production of Annie. I was the official brat wrangler. The poor things, so curious, would always try to sneak a peek around the stage curtain. So laid down some tape on the stage in the wings and told the older kids that they could not cross it. Simply, I said, because the audience could see you and that would ruin the show. I saved myself ALOT of trouble with wrangling and shushing. The kids ended up policing themselves and stayed behind the line or else suffered a mean look from me.


18 July 1998 - Urbana - 9:40p

"She asked, what is your favorite thing to do in the theatre? This is after watching Buck and I taping down down the visual cables. We are all taking a break of sorts, drinking our makeshift Cola snow cones. "Directing. I like directing in theatre. What about you? What's your favorite thing to do in the theatre?" "My favorite thing is sitting." She couldn't have been older than six."

.:] PSA [:.

'cause I fuckin' give a damn...

.:] Graduation [:.

I went to what would have been my graduation night with CSMT Class 70. I don't think I could describe the feeling... kinda was like I've come home... I'll have to write more later... much later, I'd sliced open my thumb pretty badly earlier while I was helping set up for the party and now its starting to throb like crazy. Apprently it was s'posed to happen...

.:] Yay, Democracy [:.

Took this quiz. Thanks to Shanabanana and PokeAlex of Poke Alex in The Eye fame

The results make me regret missing the Al Sharpton SNL episode a few weeks ago...

Your Results:

1. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%) Click here for info
2. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR - Democrat (70%) Click here for info
3. Sharpton, Reverend Al - Democrat (67%) Click here for info
4. Kucinich, Rep. Dennis, OH - Democrat (66%) Click here for info
5. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (65%) Click here for info
6. Moseley-Braun, Former Senator Carol, IL - Democrat (61%) Click here for info
7. Edwards, Senator John, NC - Democrat (52%) Click here for info
8. Gephardt, Rep. Dick, MO - Democrat (49%) Click here for info
9. Kerry, Senator John, MA - Democrat (49%) Click here for info
10. Libertarian Candidate (47%) Click here for info
11. Lieberman, Senator Joe, CT - Democrat (32%) Click here for info
12. Bush, President George W. - Republican (19%) Click here for info
13. Phillips, Howard - Constitution (6%) Click here for info

.:] Let me, let me, let me...[:.

...get what I want...

Got the wishlist idea from Mugs and Rachakate. I'm still waiting on the Suicidal 80's compliation from K-Tel...

The Smiths - Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

Good times for a change
See, the luck i've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what i want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life i've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what i want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

.:] I'm good...[:.

for like, another few months.

Had one of those indescribable blues dances with backstreet tonight. And all I can say is that we were ON. Sure, we were kidding about making out in the corner but damn... I seriously needed a cigarette after that dance.

ok let's see if I can put this in civilian/laymen's terms. First of all when you get a good dance, its the great communication, without words, WITH the music, and the level/style of dancing, the timing, and pleasure. ALL of that all at once.. That's OOMPH. When you can get all that goodness to work together that's more than magic. Its like having all the planets align but the cool thing is you know YOU had a part in it; making it work and creating something special. So then with a blues dance its even more intimate, not just in the sexually charged music, not just the suggestive intimate dancing, there is more risk involved. I believe that there has to be more trust, creatively and physically. Its like writing a song with someone. Its like taking bits and pieces of yourself, you, your mind, and putting it out there. Making it work. Together. Its a trip. And I love it.

Reminds me... Found an old, old email from someone I'd written a good song with the other day. It was about art, music, and creating. Maybe once I have the guts to hunt him down again, I'll have to post the letter. Plus it was a nice little pat on the back for me...

Oh and I got see MK perform too. That' s just always awesome. I'm just grateful I've got such talented friends. It not only motivated me to get me butt out there but I also got some really good sketches of the other performers. I really wish I could share them....

.:] More with the Bunny [:.

I've added more.

.:] Bandits [:.

Nana got me hooked on this movie. Its pretty entertaining. ITs in German. And I love the soundtrack. Anne-girl got me hooked on the soundtrack. again. She's going to teach me how to play this on guitar. Finally.

Bandits - Another Sad Song

Well I'm sitting alone
with my guitar slightly out of tune
and it's a lovely night in June.
And I try to write a song
With a happy slomo melody
like I have tried so many times before
But I can't really tell you, what is wrong
but all that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me on the phone.
Maybe I should hit town, have some fun
to small talking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brandnew dress
or learn up a usefull game like chess.

No I can't really tell you,
what is wrong
but all that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me at the phone
Maybe I should hit town have some fun
to smalltalking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brandnew dress
or learn up a usefull game like chess.
Another lonely night, turns to day
with another hair of mine, turning grey
No I can't really tell you
just what is wrong, my dear,
but still what comes out is
another sad song.

.:] Shields up [:.

Its unfortunate but it happens.

As I'm giving a massage that's meant to relax, sometimes a client will take guard. Their muscles will tense a little or there joints won't bend as I move their limbs. Sometimes they will jerk away at my touch.

No matter the amount of preplanning can guarantee that my well-intended touch won't set up a client's defenses. Its no matter how thoroughly the intake interview covered injury history, discussed comfort level, and what's been agreed upon for what the session will cover. Something can go wrong.

What disappoints me most is there may be times when my client can't get to the same level of relaxation as they had before they armored up. Even after we discuss if something was wrong with the pressure, temperature, whatever. Even if I make changes necessary. But I don't give up and I don't try harder, I just try to continue.

This reminds me why I bother with morons and fucknuts. Hell, if I gave up on every person that happened to steel themselves up to my touch then I wouldn't have many folks to practice on. I guess I've felt that way to the morons that have lied to me and made me feel bad. I for some reason feel like I can work on it...

Massage has taught me a lot about forgiveness. Moving past hurt. Redirecting negative energies to something more constructive. The session may not be the entire body and soul healing as I would aspire for it to be but I have remember its only part of a step towards a healthier life.

.:] re: Cabana Boys [:.

ok for those not in the know...

Cabana Boys = weekend boyfriends

nothing really physically intimate past a nice kiss or some huggly-snuggly...

With all the nicey-nice of a real-life boyfriend. Holding hands while walking down the street. Someone to grocery shopping with me fort he dinner we'd make later (along with 12 other dancers.) Buying me drinks or bringing me water. Someone to call "sweetie" or "honey." Someone who would give the appropriate gaping stare or whistle (Thanks, TOM WALSH) when I'd bother to look stunning. Or supported my stumbling ass when I got too drinky. Lending a jacket when I got cold. Carrying bags or suitcases. Then there were the slow dances....mmmm....slow dances. Opening doors... etc...

And then back to Chicago to work on Monday - grinning about my dreamy, dreamy weekend boyfriend. *sigh* If only I had a weekend boyfriend my life would be perfect. yeah right.

Liz Phair - Fuck and Run

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard th rest in your head
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

.:] Update [:.

So I haven't been posting lately b/c in reaction to the recent karaoke events I've decided to make myself scarce at home. This has been in addition to the extra Crunch events I've been doin' as well as more visits to the gym. Its true btw Marina has the HOTTEST members...

but that will soon change as soon as the smelly whatever my dad is cooking is out of the kitchen and I can bear to set myself in front of the computer...

.:] Not quite Jackass [:.

But BETTER! It quite a weird sensation when you want to pull a frankyboy cause you're laughing so hard AND want to vomit at the same time. DO NOT WATCH THIS AT WORK. sewiously.

kid's show

Don't blame, Mugsy. Blame Nana.

.:] Words [:.

I like 'em. I like words alot. They come in handy. Sometimes I abuse and misuse them. I mispell and mispronounce them. Words, on the whole, have been good to me. On the most part they've helped me communicate my feelings and ideas into something much more than grunts and fingerpointing. But there are instances where they've betrayed me. Fucking bastards...

Anywho, I particularly like the way Jason Mraz puts words to music. Heard this one the radio after driving home from a particularly KICKASS Fizz. Must get more Mraz. Shite. Miracle on State woulda rocked hard. Well, there's Poi on New Years...

Jason Mraz - You And I Both

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words.

.:] Wide-eyed Sigh ... [:.

"If you were my boyfriend, my life would be perfect..."

Remember the Cabana Boys?

.:]Morning Funny[:.

got this in my inbox from my cousin-in-law in England who knows what I'm going through:

Hey Tess,

We've just got a load of karaoke CDs. Was thinking about sending copies
of them all to your dad. How does that sound?

Yours teasingly,
Andrew

Watch yer back there, limey. An ornery Besina does not compare to an out of tune Auza...

.:] Me, Lola, and Norah [:.

Often when I'm out walking/working/whatever, I've my head phones on. Well, one of them, cause I'm usually singing along and harmonizing witht the vocalist. What a sight/sound(?) for someone who comes across me crooning a tune. Perhaps they think: "That kinda sounds familiar, what is it?" Or: "Goddamn, she's fucking outtta tune."

Then there is my dear dear Lola, who as long as I've known her, has had a horrible singing voice. And no real ear for music as well. The dear woman has taught herself the keyboard at a ripe old age. Nonetheless, she mangles a karaoke version of " The Nearness of You" that has been turned up so she (and my Pops) can hear the song. (Nevermind that the words are going right across the screen...) The subwoofer thumps the bass gently through my bedroom wall.

Lying on my bed, I usually slip on my headphones to hear Norah Jones' version and I try to mangle a harmony.

Norah Jones - The Nearness of You

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

.:] As I Write The Last Entry... [:.

I am wearing earplugs.
I am also wearing headphones.
I'm still listening to Norah Jones.
The CD player volume is the highest it can go. It's on 9.
That's right - earplugs and headphones.

My father sings FUCKING KARAOKE in the next room.
The bass vibrates through the walls, through the floor, through my sneakers, into my feet.
I know better than to ask my father to BLOODY WELL TURN IT DOWN.

I have my winter coat on.
My hat and scarf are still on too.
My hands are cold from going outside. Again.
This last time I sat outside eating my yogurt.

I am singing.
I can hear my voice clearly.
I can hear Norah's quite distinctly.
My father's voice is a persistant, haunting, AND BLOODY ANNOYING ghost in my world of music

There are huge spaces, gaping spaces of FUCKIN GODDAMN KARAOKE as Norah and I stop between songs but the EVIL NEVER FUCKING ENDING KARAOKE GOES ON AND ON AND FUCKING ON....

They are all love songs. HE'S SO ATTUNED TO SINGING THE FUCKING WORDS THAT HIGHLIGHT ACROSS THE UNFOLDING SUN SETTING LOVE STORY BETWEEN TWO HORRIBLE ACTORS AND SCREECHING TO HIT THAT GODDAMN BLOODY HIGH NOTE and he doesn't see how these songs pain his daughter and her aching heart...

OH MY DEAR GOD!!!!! NOT FUCKING "BORN FREE" AGAIN>>>>

The phone just rang.

I yell out: "PHONE'S RINGING!!!!!!"
My father holds onto his GODDAMN MICROPHONE AND THE GOD BLOODY DAMN KARAOKE MUSIC PLAYS FUCKIN ON as he answers the phone.
I pray. Hard.
My prayer goes unanswered.

If I can hear and decipher what my Dad is saying...
I think he was welcoming some friends over....
Probably to sing karaoke...
I pray again.
Let me die. please...

.:] Last Testament [:.

ok. if you haven't read it already read this swingdoc LJ, then do it. If not now, then ASAP. Listen. I dont' want to hear from her or from any other doctor about how you mighta survived if you had your seat belt on. Just today on the eL I'd overhead a woman say: " yeah, that was an incredibly stupid way to die...no offense... I miss him but that was stupid."

It reminds me of a post in Trap's blog. Its in relation to the police struggle in OH that ended in a man's death. Tragic really, but along the same lines...

goukicynch: dude If I gain 150 pounds, take crack, and get myself killed attacking cops outside a fast food restuarant, don't have a candle light vigil for me... tell everyone I was a dumbass..
tmarkelz: will do

yeah. if I die in an incredibly, embrassingly stupid manner, feel free to have a good giggle over pints of Guinness in my honour.

.:]home sorta[:.

Running to stand still since I landed. Dreamin' California style while waiting in the rain. All the same its the time before getting home before actually landing on the ground. That's where I'm at peace. Not trying to settle in. Not itching to fly away. Just happy to be moving.

Liz Phair - Stratford-On-Guy

I was flying into Chicago at night
Watching the lake turn the sky into blue-green smoke
The sun was setting to the left of the plane
And the cabin was filled with an unearthly glow
In 27-D, I was behind the wing
Watching landscape roll out like credits on a screen

The earth looked like it was lit from within
Like a poorly assembled electrical ball
As we moved out of the farmlands into the grid
The plan of a city was all that you saw
And all of these people sitting totally still
As the ground raced beneath them, thirty-thousand feet down

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

And I was pretending that I was in a Galaxie 500 video
The stewardess came back and checked on my drink
In the last strings of sunlight, a Brigitte Bardot
As I had on my headphones
Along with those eyes that you get
When your circumstance is movie-size

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

.:] str8 out of LBC [:.

here's the update: I'm getting married and living in California. I'm swimming every morning. I'm having the best seafood I've ever had . I'm laughing my ass off with the cousins and hedds and nana. I'[m not using the cold weather as an excuse to hide.

Not all at once and not anytime soon... but it'll happen. I'm recharged. Whenever I do finally decide to come back to Chicago - I'm kickin' ass!