...perhaps one of the most inspirational trailers I've ever seen. I want to see this documentary!...

Believe

...Oh, Oh, Oh...

So I woke up this morning after this great dream. First the dream and then how I woke up. So few nights ago, I'd gone to this gallery showing for this artwork that these kids from Cabrini Green did. Well last night I had a pretty cool dream about going to another gallery, lalala some performance art thing involving chairs, but the important bit was that I was all excited because one of the artists in the gallery was one of the Cabrini Green kids but all grown up. His work was much like the piece I actually wanted to purchase that one night (but didn't).

And then I heard this:

"Oh, oh, oh, whose that kid with the Oreo cookie? Is this your one and only eating up the creamy middle? Dunking all the luscious chocolate like he did when he was little ...."

Can SOMEONE please find me the rest of these lyrics? After a quick search this morning, I haven't found anything...

And then I check my mail this morning and I find I have a message from the friendster that helped throw the gallery event! Coinkydink? well, I'm following this one...

and THANKS to all the readers...since I put my email link up I didn't really think I had all you guys. Ya really don't know who you have with you everyday, by your side in spirit, and waiting to celebrate your accomplishments or to swoop in when you falter.

...good bye...

this is a really really sad song.. but I'm sad that my friend Debbie is leaving Chicago to live in SF. I din't realize that it was so soon. So I think its kinda fitting this Cole Porter song. Annie Lennox does a great version of it on the first Red, Hot, and Blue album. But then again dear Debbie, we'll be saying hi again soon enough. Best of Luck!

Everytime We Say Goodbye

Everytime we say goodbye
I die a little
Everytime we say goodbye
I wonder why a little
Why the gods above me
Who must be in the know
Think so little of me
They allow you to go

When you're near
There's such an air
Of spring about it
I can hear a lark somewhere
Begin to sing about it
There's no love song finer
But how strange the change
From major to minor
Everytime we say goodbye

There's no love song finer
But how strange the change
From major to minor
Everytime we say goodbye

...the dance...or when it rains it pours

Just got back from Fizz... What a wonderful night...

First thing I wanted to write about was a couple that was visiting from Minneapolis. Allen and Rudy are an elderly couple that rock my world. They are so young and feisty its a riot to watch them dancing and competing together. Its even more entertaining to watch them dancing with other folks 'cause I swear they do stuff to other people for shock value. Damn if , Allen didn't do a double lead with Rudy and another girl and then lead them BOTH doing double switches. As impressive as all that is, I realized how important dancing is to me in my life off the dance floor. For a long while I thought for sure that I would end with a dancer but I don't think that's necessary. If I get as much joy and excitement out of a slow dance in the kitchen in stocking feet, then I'll be doing just fine. If I get to be as old as Allen and Rudy AND still get to Lindyhop, I'll be living the high life!

Talked to TT quite a bit tonight. He's great guy. I'm so glad he moved to Chicago. We've decided to make a point of practicing more regularly. We are going to set up privates to work on some stuff too. I really want to work on Jazz and break steps. I think on my own I want to strengthen my center so I can do more level changing stuff.

So after a good month of not giving massages. I got four good leads on massages tonight and an appointment for Wed. Like I said when it rains it pours. Yeah, this doesn't even include the phone call I got from Lynn... And yeah a tune up this afternoon!!! Oh yeah so I got all these great mini massages all night like ppl just knew I needed it. Man I'm so looking forward to this tune-up. I can't remember the last time I got a full-body massage much less a tune-up....

...Hedds and the Cubbies!!!...

woo-hoo!! hedds is coming home cause her friend got her a ticket to the playoffs!!! come on Cubbies....get a game on Friday!!!

...Disco Fever...

Thank you CTodd for makin me wanna do some Stealth Disco!

...waking up...

I wake up to the radio in mornings. There are times I don't wake up till well near the end of the 59 minutes that the clock radio has alloted for me. So the actual way that I wake up in the morning involves my subconscious finding something worth thinking about or waking up for. This was worth waking up for today:

The Cure - Just Like Heaven

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

...dreary day...

But Liz kept me walking... I have to wonder how many of my journals are actually half full of favorite lyrics or my own potential and realized lyrics:

Liz Phair - Firewalker

My hopes are like embers lying around inside a firebed and
Your mind is a firewalker, it steps on them like they are dead but

I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

Me, I'm like a wild flame that catches on whatever's near but
Your mind is a firewalker, it sets its course and never veers but

I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

Take offers from every side and give my attentions about anywhere well
Do I recognize my actions, I look like I'm so unaware like
I don't care

But I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

..yet another old journal entry..

Bear with me folks..this is a good one...

<.Wayne'sWorldflashback>

14 August 2002 - B&N - 2:45

So just earlier today I had a fabulous session with Dr. C. Funny I'd gotten there very, very late but I got a full session nonetheless and lucky penniless me I didn't have to pay for a damned thing. hmmm... so let's see if I remember the main points.

Well, I'd started that I've been "coccooning" at J's and hiding from the rest of of the world and I'd even mentioned that thoughts of suicide or "giving up" last week. All of this after , I'd gotten into the school and gotten a job. How silly is that? Suicidal after all these fine things happen to me. Doesn't make sense does it? Enough to confuse me enough to not to be thankful for what I DO have.

Apparently its these feelings of shame and humilation get out of making a big emotional deal out of things. For example, when someone can ask what's the worst that can happen if you call into work? "Get fired", I think is what most people would say. But to me the mere sound of disappointment or even the idea that they wouldn't believe me. AND this, dear friends, leads back to the embarassment and stupidity I'd felt when I'd done something wrong in my mother's eyes....

<...andback>

yeah well, the entry ends there. So this is my thinking.. dude, therapy rawks... but jebus, aside from that is, damn, I HAVE come a long way. There are some lessons mistakes that I've repeated since then but to a lesser and lesser degree. Chaos control certainly has been my forte with other people and other situations. Now I've been able to apply it to myself. Suicidal tendancies? Just a band. Thankful? Hell yeah.

As for feelings of "shame and humilation", still a big force in my motivations but not as strong. That question, "Are you stupid or what?", its got an answer and I know it. I just have to believe it.

...god bless you , kate...

and I meant Rachakate and her faboo boobies, where I found this quote I like so much... that is her site not her boobies:

"if you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased." -katherine hepburn

...friends...the best kind...

Why don't I listen to the advice given to me? Its not that I don't listen to you, my dear friends, I do. I hear you, I really process what you are sayin' and then I go with my gut, with my feelings...sorry, but its just who I am, its my personality, I'm an ENFP 'member?

And poor poor Rocco, has been getting the brunt of it lately. If there was one absolutely fantastic thing that came out of the break up with J, its Rocco. My rock. But just tonight he's said that he's starting to get tired of hearing all the stories of heartache. The sad thing is that if only I'd listened to the boy diet advice, he wouldn't have to be hearing all the sad sad stories.

I think I'm a good friend to people. I'll usually give my advice and just let them have at their problem. I don't think I criticize or pull an"I told you so". Oh, I know, I KNOW, I'm going to be cursed with a child just like me. {My mum has cursed me so.} its going to be a little different b/c I know I'd try to do everything to keep from my child from ANY kind of suffering or pain. But I know its just what ppl need to go through. and for the kid that's like me, that poor kid is going to make frustrating mistake again and again. But I'll be there every time. Sheesh I should start saving up more, my luck, that kid's going to be making big cash item mistakes....

...I'm up and I'm down...

And i'm up again after sleeping most o' the day away... Been reading a couple of my journals... let's do a quick flashback shall we?



24 january 03

ok so what am i feeling now? a little bit of indifference, I can't cry about anything at the moment I feel like I want to give him a bighug and just sleep with him. I feel uncomfortable sleeping with him in his bed. I'm thinking maybe I'm better off just sleeping out here with the cats.

I had a great meeting with Dr. C today. A very insightful 6 month review. I've come a long way.... and we talked extensively about me and J breaking up. And i don't kow if it was Dr. C coddling me but he agreed with me that this "break-up" seemed unnecessary. He actually suggested that J come in with me for a session. Dr. C seemed to think if we could discuss things - esp. concerning our future then we'd find a less stressful way of living together. He'd said something about it being a pivotal point in our relationship. I guess there was a stuff that I was telling Dr. C that I really should've vocalized with J at some point or another. Or we could've and actually should have more discussions about his future.. sigh. I don't know. I put the idea to J and he said he'd think about it.

I don't know. Just now I was thinking maybe I was being just a little too hopeful. Though Nana and most ppl that i talk to say that he'll turn around but I guess we'll see. I'm going to take Nana's advice & just go on as though nothing has really changed and just be sure I don't leave little messes about that would give him reason to get angry with me.

<...and back>

yeah I don't know why I typed J. whatever protecting the innocent er something. He never did go to session with me. and I can now count three times that a dirty dish in the sink has been my undoing. {there's a lesson to be learned!}

...i hate losing...

I hate betting. I hate gambling and I hate the feeling of loss.

...pissed...

and not the drunk kind for a change....

I'm just ...pissed. I'm friggin tired of not being taken seriously. I feel like I'm a joke of some kind. Like I'm a flake or a spazz. I'm a fuck-up of some form or another. Soooo angry...

But really, let's take a look at the track record for a moment. Loads of different jobs but no career. Loads of different addresses but no real home. Loads of different guys and I'll let you finish that one...

Why should any one take you seriously? But despite all the chaos and drama, you're still alive and kickin'. From some folks, I get some credit. From others -- tough shit.

Its gotta be tough to know Tessa. Its tough enough trying to decipher what I'm trying to type much less exactly what I mean. Y'know after reading Mugsy's latest LJ, I feel like the Cubbies. {Hedds- you're going to LOVE this analogy} With "all the pain and grief" and the trouble and the waste and the disappointment of losing a pennant race, HELL IS GOING TO FREEZE OVER, and I'm going to just fine. Hell, I'll be better than fine... I'll be bloody normal and reliable!!!!

and that being sad and me being tired of being tired.. I'm going to pop in my Lilo and Stitch Soundtrack that picked up today.

and y'all can check out the pictures I took today..I played with one and I think it turned out nicely...:http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/touchetoday/lst?.dir=/photos&.src=ph&.view=

....banana stories....

well, here's the link {finally}

...Like Alice Walker Says...

"I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart."

Ok, so I haven't quite learned the lesson. And I actually a voice in my head going, much like a exchange between Inigo and The Man In Black in The Princess Bride:

Westley:
True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

Inigo:
I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?

ok not EXACTLY like that. the voice is more like me with the concern of Inigo going:

Tessa:
Ok, so relationship... So what if we end up breaking up? If we don't, what if we stick around just torturing each other? If we do, how do I escape?

So is this just me? About the concern, not the random Princess Bride voices....

....morons....

ok I was ready to post a long tirade about morons b/c I've been reminded recently of the moron I've dealt with esp one I ran into last night...but rather, let me relate to you a story that VERY clearly has no mark of a moron... (if it does someone please PLEASE let me know since as far as I know my moron alarm is STILL not working...)

So I mentioned how Jeff and I met through Friendster but I was saving the story of the first night we met for a time like right about *now*.

After the exchange of messages and email, at some point Jeff goes ahead and contacts me through YIM. Unfortunately its right before I'm going out to HotHouse for my birthday jam. but on a whim I invite him out b/c I believe he'd mentioned going out to watch some jazz over the weekend. I remember watching the door hoping he would show up which he didn't. The next day was my birthday and I'd spent it in Downers Grove, with NO internet. I remember wiggin cause I wanted to see his response to my email. I finally get home Wednesday night and we end up IMing for a long while. Really frank and upfront stuff too. Enough for Jeff to mention that he wanted to drink some wine so he went and got some. I said I wanted some too. He'd said: Come over.

Come over. That was phrase the was bandied about for another hour or so, until I'd mentioned the Stitch backpack Nana had bought for my birthday. Jeff said he wanted to see that. I said: Come over. He said: ok. So he did (around 1am with his bike and an extra helmet and gloves. I remember me showing him Stitch first thing and he shaking my hand in introduction. I don't' know how it was possible but we still kept talking as we were riding to Montrose Harbor. At one point he'd asked if the speed was ok. I said sure. I guess this was a signal for him go even faster but I don't know where the idea to do a wheelie came in. I'd find out later that is just a Jeff thing to do.

Montrose Harbor ended up being VERY closed. So we went back down LSD and ended up at the Planetarium. We go and sit down by the lake. Jeff busts out a bottle of Blackberry wine - so good! and we continue to talk until the Chicago police break up the party. Tragically the wine was dumped but Jeff saved the cork, gave it to me and said (and I remembered this wrong): You can show this to our grandchildren. I remember thinking that was a kinda freaky thing to say but I shoved the cork in my jeans pocket anyway. Then in my usual drinky fashion, I sucker punched him and started a lil fight.

We then ended up at Iggy's talking till it closed. I liked how we would just end up talking closer and closer all the time. and tho it was a workday for Jeff and I had to travel to Omaha the next day, we stayed up till almost 7am talking (seriously.) Then after an hour of sleep, we left, Jeff to go to work and me to go finish packing from the Division Blue Line station. Before Jeff board the train that came much to soon, he gave me a HUGE hug that lifted me off my feet.

No it did not just end there folks... we IM'd till Jeff got hungry and couldn't wait until Rox picked us up for our trip.. and it never even ended there....

...crash and burn, baby....crash and burn...its a way to learn...

"If we listened to our intellect we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go in business because we'd be cynical: 'It's gonna go wrong.' Or, 'She's going to hurt me.' Or, 'I've had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore ...' Well, that's nonsense. You're going to miss life. You've got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down." - Ray Bradbury

...You are an ENFP!...

From BLOGinality:

As an ENFP, you are Extraverted, iNtuative, Feeling , Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling.

This is defined as a NF personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Idealist (Identity Seeking) type, and more specifically the Champions or Inspirer.

As a weblogger, you may not be consistant in posts. Although, if you find a specific focus on their journal or a very flexible manner of writing, it may be more fufilling. Because you are warm and see so many posibilities in life, you may inspire others to follow in your footsteps with a journal.

...totally and shamelessly stealling this...

this lil bitty was swiped from swingdoc's LJ b/c it so conscicely puts into words what I've been thinking about lately:

"just watched say anything. . "i don't want to sell anything that's been processed or bought. . .buy anything that's been sold or processed. . ."

what a great character lloyd is. really - we all had his innocent passion at one point or another. some people have his confidence, his sense of self, although it seems that few people have it in high school and even fewer people have both the groundedness and the innocence all at the same time. i remember my first heartbreak, the first time i had to look down the barrel of that choice - to put up the walls and not allow anyone else to get close enough to hurt me, or to try again, take a risk and open up to another potential pain. i remember that passionate lovemaking that leaves you shaking afterwards. i've watched people lose their passion, give up and grow up - i guess i've done it to, to some degree. my emotions are not as raw as they used to be, but i think i still have a great deal of passion. enough to be moved by a movie, anyway. :) "

i would like to think that I do live the whole "Love like you've never been hurt" dilly, but I know that isn't all true. For all the times I fall in love EVERY DAY, I wonder if I lose a bit of something. Like is it real or Memorex?

...sunny day...chasing the clouds away...

So today, lucky me, instead of having to trapse around the town in a bunny costume, i very simply had to put those annoying adverts on doorknobs in the area. Very cool thing that I brought my CD player. What a wonderful little gift I got meself! So a couple more hours of Liz Phair... I can't get enough of her.

ok a little neurological note, I'm noticing that I write or type the latter half of a mulisyllabic word first...as if its not annoying enough that I "teh" on a regular basis.

I'm so diggin the fact that I get paid to walk around town listening to music and climbing stairs and bringing good news to folks via stupid ads....

Road Report - Cowtown Jamboree in OmaHOT, NebrASSka

4 September

14:45 -Roxy is in my head uh-huh-ing at teh same random times during the Avril Lavigne CD that she'd found in the rental car. Left on time at 1200. No cows sighted. However, BIG bales of hat are all along the highway. Capt. note: Avril is PUNK ROCK!

15:07 - The nothingness is alarming. This is IOWA. Still no cows. An abundance of corn. Passed old Chevy Impala and a hearse. I think that there is a conspiracy to make my bladder burst. Nav. note: at sudden breaks- "thanks for the bladder check, you fucking whore."

15:37 - Still nothing of note. No cows. So bloody boring. Looked at Roxy's photo album. Nav.note: missing naughty photos. Nothing in the horizon. Entering construction zone on wrong side of the road.

16:30 -Dreamt of Madonna. Nav. note: yeah well, i fell asleep for most of the Madonna's Greatest Hits CD.

17:00 - Saw Barbie's horse Dallas. Pink's much more PUNK ROCK! than Avril... STILL NO COWS!!

17:12 - FIRST COW SIGHTING!!! A plethora of cattle!!! HEY COW!!!

17:19 - More cows...even more cows on a hillside even...

17:38 - More cows, less than before.. in a valley... many were sleeping... probably napping after dinner.

17:38 - Cattle on the right, cattle on the left. They're EVERYWHERE!!

18:00 - ANTI SOCIAL COW CLUB - they were all over the horizon - but NO WHERE near each other.

19:08 - Discovered far away cows.. almost thought they were buffalo. Overtaken buy Iowa taxicab (!?!)

19:19 - COW SIGHTING! on Foo Fighters CD burninated by Sean THE MAN - "All the Cows"

19:27 - Cows SOOO close and Dave Grohl is PUNK ROCK!!

19:38 - Two cows on a hot date. Capt. note: "making milkshakes." Nav. note: this must have been soon after the point where Rox loses her A material. Appreciation of Dave Grohl and Foo Fighters up 100%!

19:46 - Horsies sighted!! Contrary to popular belief, horses apparently DON'T go home teh same time the cows do.

19:48 - "Love thy brother, muthafucker!" - Dave Grohl

19:53 - Cows - ya know...

19:56 - All Black cows - segregation!?!

5 September

11:18 - Rockin out w/ old passenger guy in blue pickup truck to Blondie!!! Off to Dan and Tiffs Ariels class. breakfast with Casey's Dad and Sadie.

17:30 - "This is where you find out who's wearing bras." --Alan "Artemis" Parsons, during Peter Storm's Jazz Routine Class

18:10 - Cow Sighting! in song used in Peter Storm's Jazz Routine Class

7 September

I've been a butt most of the weekend, participating in only one or two classes each day of these three days. Good stuff tho, seriously. At least the stuff I *am* learning. Interesting ideas from Lisa Wade. (truth in dancing) and cool new moves from Evin, Andrew, and Peter.

Faboo dances - got in all these great dances in with great dancers - most hadn't had the chance to dance with before x. the Boys from CO. OHohOH.. great beer bottle swapping dance with Mikey...*sigh* good memories of the MN boys.

Best home stay EVER at Spacey Casey's. Her family was just AMAZINGLY generous and thoughtful.

Oh btw I won second place in a Jack&Jill - finally!! ooo..and had the best fun ever in a Strictly...

8 September

3:30 - Village Chalet. Rox had the Weinerschitzel, me, I had the best grilled ham and cheese sammich ever... the bread, rye, PERFECT!..ooo and fried mushrooms!!

4:36 - AAAUUuuuuuuGH ACK!! AUUuuuuuuuhghghghggh...YUK! nothing happened NOTHING!

6:28 - cow snout spotted

6:30 - Jesus Saves spotted

6:36 - Adult Video Store spotted

6:38 - Lady bug mutilated by Roxy. set free but probably killed by Tessa. Nothing personal.

...homework...

Found this.. an assignment that I had for one of Bob King's lectures...

"I believe my strong points as a massage therapist include good communication with the client, good assessment and documentation skills. I greet my clients warmly and have a good discussion about what will be included in our session. During our session, I strive to make the client comfortable enough to communicate what they enjoy and or dislike about the progress of the session. Early on in the session I can make a good assessment of what is needed. I also believe that I am very good with SOSAP notes and communicating with others concerning my findings.

My weaknesses include time management during the session and outside of the session. I have had a problem with tardiness to class and to clinic. Sometimes I've had difficulty with managing to fit in all I want to accomplish in a session. I've also had problems with allotting time to fit in sessions and events during my work and school schedules."

What am I doing? er what am I not doing?...

..Not Slackin'...

Seriously, guys, all this not bloggin is b/c I'm distracted b/c I'm actually friggin out of the house doing stuff - finally.

You put part of the blame on who I will refer to as "Jeff," who I met on Friendster. A nice little service Friendster. I've found a lot of old friends via this service. I've had a lot of old friends find me too. Wow, a lot of old friends. Hehe, I even found my old roommates that I'm kinda too embarrassed to even contact from the bad falling out.

They way I met Jeff is definitely worth noting. There's a few interesting features on Friendster that includes being able to search and review people in your network of friends. The search shows a name and a picture and when you click on the name or picture, voila!, a profile appears with more information of the person - their likes, interests, etc. So of the hundred or so single guys b/t 26-36 in the Chicagoland area in my network, I notice Jeff. Underneath his name is a photograph of a ladybug crawling on an interesting landscape. After reading his profile, I decide to "bookmark" him. {even after reading that he hates dancing !!!!?!?!?!?!)} Bookmarking allows you an easier way to view the profile again later BUT also can allow the person to 'know' that *you* are interested in their profile. Can I be more confusing?

At any rate, I decide to check on *my* bookmarks first to see whose been viewing me when GUESS WHAT? I see Jeff's name and the photo of the ladybug underneath!! So I send him a message (another interesting friendster feature) telling him of this interesting situation. Then he sends one back. Then I send another. Then we decide to exchange emails. And then IMs... and then finally meeting in person well, that's another story...

...AWESOME...

i really need to find a new adjective but this will do for now

I am having an AWESOME birthday so far and i actually need to get a move on b/c my lil sis and her bf are coming to pick me up and take me shopping!! But I wanted to note down some things I definately wanted to expound upon:

Birthday Jam @ HotHouse
Yoko Noge
Walking down Roosevelt again
Riding the Red line underneath
Birthday card from Dad
Phone Call from Hedds
Friendster