.:] Happy Holidays? [:.

One of several reasons why I'm going to spend Turkey Day with Anne-girl and her CRAZY aunts.

.:] Teacups [:.

Shards of porcelain
once held for me relief
and tension
of calm serenity

Endless moonless midnight
skies of open-eyed slumber
Afternoons of conversation and laughter
warming and endearing recollections
Evenings of intimacies and dark secrets
of life and the dreams it holds
Sunrising mornings of shared
quilted security with Sunday funnies

In my hands, I now hold
this teacup, a key away
from this life
A key to open the door
A key to the blood in my veins
and the lane to the dead.
Turn of the key, twisting quickly
silently
pouring
into a broken cup that can't
seem to hold much of anything anymore

.:] shake, shake [:.

you hear that? ...fruit drops...

I forget how happy it makes me. To get me out of the cold and from cussing at the top of my lungs, Anne-girl and I went into the J Toguri store on Belmont. I'd just twisted my ankle (again) and I was pissed and cranky. Well, then I find my hard candies in a tin and shake it and all is well. Just like lil Setsuko in Grave of the Fireflies.

AND I'd finally found something to wear to the church on Saturday....

.:] Gettin Ma Fizz On, Yo [:.

I'd so post these ideas on WH if it were friggin up. I can't complain I know this down means that the new version will be up!

Anyhoo.. amazing dancing at Fizz last night... parade performance went well... so many of old school kids were out... so much hugging, just what I needed.... and the newbies too!

My dancing is so mediocre right now. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Funny its one of the few things in my life that I have patience for. I know its a cycle. I'll feel better with my ankle and my dancing and I'll start taking more risks again. I should apply that somewhere else...

I knew it was a little off when I danced with a couple of dancers that I could call my touchstones if I didn't reserve that title to Bradley. Nonetheless, dancing with Hashish and Backstreet had me realize that I was holding back. Part of it was that I was wary about my ankle. It didn't help that I didn't bring any dance shoes. Hash was throwing out all kinds of cool stuff from SF and I wasn't keeping up at all. Actually the same thing happened with DiscoBallChris. He's surpassed me in skill and I certainly wasn't close to keeping up with him. But then with Backstreet, while it was nice and reminiscent of old times, it lacked the dynamics we would usually have. *sigh* Mebbe dancing in LA, CA will recharge me...

gotta write more about dancing with the newbies and involving more folks in the scene...

.:] On the home front... [:.

Anne-girl is home so we went home. Not home home but home.

She's got this insight that I want to hear. Not like my sisters but pretty damn close. She'd pointed out that there is some advice that you'd only take from certain friends.

An important insight: I make myself at home and get so easily domesticated because I haven't really had a home in years. I've had to make a home where I could. So I still do. Its gotten to the point that I don't even feel uncomfortable staying at a strangers house. I'm so used to living in such different places with different people and families. I don't know where the line is for overstaying my visit. Anne-girl just leaves when she feels uncomfortable. I don't know what home feels like so I don't know/feel other peoples boundries as well. Have I been so used to other people's gracious hospitality that I just assume it and take it for myself? eeewww... am I becoming a Morris brother?

Ok, I think I need to remind a few friends (and y'all read this blog) to call me. First, repeat after me: This is all crap right now but don't let any of it affect your vitality, energy, and sparkle for life! Feel better? no? Then call me. I don't care what time of the day it is. Do it.

.:] home safe [:.

weird.

I get the house to myself for a few days. I get to walk around nekkid. I get to play the music as loud as I like. Sometimes I get to thinking that having my own space will put other things into its place. Not just a place for my journals and suitcases. I gotta wonder. And that's all that I get to do for a little while. I'm not moving anytime soon. So I'm enjoying myself now writing a blog in the buff and blasting Liz Phair.... I'm so kidding. Its Poi Dog...

Poi Dog Pondering - That's the Way Love Is

Oh, Oh, Oh, hey, hey
Two people, make a vow to stay together,
and live and love each other forever.
They both promise to love a lifetime --
funny thing when they both change their minds.

They both go their separate ways.
Love is just a memory.
But, young hearts never stay sad long.
Another love soon comes along.

That's the way love is.

Two people, don't get along.
Deep down in, they both have feelings very strong.
They try hard to conceal it.
Their hearts burn because they both know they can feel it.

Love is leaving -- without reason.
Feelings change just like seasons.
And no, nothing's the same.
There's no use in pretending I can hide the pain, no.

That's the way love is.

Sometimes it's so unfair,
When the feeling's no longer there.
That's the way love is.
Sometimes it's gratifying.
Love's feeling -- ain't no denying.
But that's the way love is.

That's the way love is.

.:] Old Love Songs [:.

A long long while ago down in Champaign... I used to own a few Big Head Todd CDs. One, because I dig the music and two, because hello! popular music headed up by Asian man?!? I heard this old song on 101.9 The Mix...

Two interesting coincidences with previous sentence. One- ran into Li-Young Lee ( third poem-The Gift, is my favorite) on Friday while I sat and wrote in Bittersweet (title of Big Head song, too). Two - re-read journals that ran the length of my stay in Champaign. Interesting how things never change but that sometimes they do.

I'd studied in one of my various religion classes (read: I ferget which pacific religon) that our lives are cyclical. We re-live a pattern in our lives until we learn from it. Only then can we move onto the next lesson/pattern/life. I'm not sure if I mentioned before that I tend to be a slow learner IF it entirely new to me. If I am able to make reference to something else, then that's how I learn faster. I'd found a pattern where I'd refuse to compare one boyfriend to another. A brand new slate. I'd shake the Etch-a-Sketch and start a new relationship BUT without really examining what went wrong with the previous relationship. By giving this NEW guy a fresh chance, I cheated myself of really seeing the pattern. yeah, you'd think I'd learn by now...

Big Head Todd and the Monsters - Please Don't Tell Her

I always leave her waiting
I always leave her down
If she should come my way
I always turn around,
Please don't tell her I love her.
I always keep her out
I never let her in
If she should come my way weeping
I greet her with a gin
Please don't tell her I love her.
If she should discover the colors of my love,
She will fly, fly away
Now you can try tenderness,
You can try to hang around,
Oh, but I'm sure she'll love you less,
I'm sure she'll bring you down.
Please don't tell her I love her

.:] Good Day [:.

Its going to be a hell of a great day to day I can feel it. My sister is town. I'll get to see Nana and Eric. I've plans for dinner with Ddub.

Not to disappoint the depression watchers, I had a hell of a time getting out of bed this morning. I seriously think I broke a personal best record of time spent in bed without sex. But again when you least expect it, just got up started doing the wake up routine and got inspired to call a friend to do some yoga this morning. And then what do I FINALLY find in my Inbox? A note from Dr. C! Things are finally going to get rolling, kids.. and out the door I go.

Send out the good vibes, folks, I'm hoping to get an appointment with Micheal to get ma new Rock Star Modified Mohawk.

.:] WARNING.... [:.

...this is going to be one phatty phat blog. I've a lot of little things running in my head and let's see if I might be able to link them all together. Y'know Tess logic.

Firstly, Liz show. Expect ALOT of Liz lyrics in the next few entries. I'd forgotten that I used to listen to Liz back in the day on XRT. MK just kinda reminded me how universal she is. Shite I should dig back to a lot of old WXRT stuff. I don't listen to the radio that much anymore anyways.

MK has said that enjoying a concert can depend on who ya go with. Yes, much like a road trip, company is key. MK was a given, duh. But Frodo.. That was gravy of the Steak and Shake variety. He scarfed down TWO doubles like I've never seen a man eat. It was weird. He was a wacky DJ too. I'm glad that I was navigator or he woulda drove me up the wall. He was one of those play this track, ok, play this, track , ok, now play this CD ADD types. GBE for introducing Liz to Kitty-girl.

So Pops gets married this weekend. Hedds is coming into town. After much discussion, I'd decided to suck it up and go to the wedding. I've been so caught up with how much this is all affecting me when, to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. I've jumped on anger and outrage cause, let's be honest folks, I'm good at doing anger and outrage. Its not really how I feel. Its mostly fear and bewilderment. I knew it was coming. Just not this soon. So I'm going to put on my happy-for-you game face on for the wedding. Let's err on the side of mebbe I really want my Pops to be happy because he deserves to be happy like all of us do. So does Aida, his future wife.

So that being said, there is great irony in choosing these lyrics. However, I like 'em and it relates to this concert story:

MK, Frodo, and I were surrounded by the wackiest group of people. Enough wacky people that I will save their stories for another blog. To MK right, there was a middle-aged woman with dark wavy hair and a tailored leather jacket. What I love about Liz fans is that they interact with her like they are great friends. I felt like me at a Beeyatchski show. And this woman was all eye contact with Liz and rocking out. Then this song came on and she flipped out like I guess anyone would do when a band played your favorite song live.

The difference is this: She started to mime out the lyrics. Sewiously. Remember Prince's "I Would Die 4 You" and the hand movements that went along with it ? Then bloody rent it, cause its worth it to *know* this analogy. For example, every "box" mentioned in the song warrant a "square" motion, then "bury" involved pointing to the ground with great force. Now that seems logical but for other parts of the song she mimed almost nonsensical stuff with great passion and drama. I thought I was witnessing a "Children of a Lesser God" moment. This song will never be as depressing as I thought it was b/c I will laugh ma ASS OFF thinking of this woman and the look on MK's face.

Liz Phair - Divorce Song

And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night
And we been driving since noon
But if I'd known
How that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed
For the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it's harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn't try to mix the two
Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And its true that I stole your lighter
And its also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you'd known
How that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground Burned it up and thrown it away

You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then you told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up

But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright

And the license said
You had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face I guess I already am

But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright

.:] I'm not close to as cool as I think I am [:.

take this quiz.

The stupid thing was i could hear the songs in my head but I couldn't get the lyrics right. And who ever wrote this quiz up is hilarious... Go ahead and get the answers wrong its like playing " You Don't Know Jack."

Blame, Mugsy.

.:] Allowed [:.

You'd think that after a KICKARSE show with Liz Phair, I'd be posting lyrics up and down.. but not today.

I woke up this morning with an announcement from my father. (we don't speak anymore, we announce: I'm going out. I'll be home tomorrow.) My granduncle in Cali had died early this morning. I wasn't very close to him. I grew up with him briefly while we lived in California while my Dad was in the Navy. Hedds was very close to him since she'd moved there more than two years ago. She often tells me what a "normal" family life they have out there. So I know, it was tough decision for her to decide to still come home this weekend.

Silly me, I'd panicked at the thought of her not being here. I wasn't sure if I could make it through the weekend much less make it to my father's wedding. I've been talking to her or IMing her everyday. So I was watching my YIM list, looking for her, knowing full well she's busy. And then just wanting talk to someone, anyone but knowing that I can't just spew this on people, I just sat there.

As in most times, those rare moments I bother to let myself be completely still, I heard music. In my head. It wasn't very clear at all. I strained to hear "harder" like looking father out ahead of you on the road to read a sign. Then it came up to me closer and closer like driving up to find the highway you were looking for. And I heard, "...miss you." I'd finally realized that I had MK's song "Allowed" in my head. How comforting is that?

Kitty Mortland - Allowed

You're walking down the street with your guitar and
Your ass-kicking shoes
Working on a song about a girl who
Gave you the blues
You think it's all behind you now but you
Change the names
It ends with you falling in love again
Does it feel the same?

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?

Your footsteps take you past my door and you
Stop a while
You read my name on the bell and it
Makes you smile
You think for a moment, "What if I
Rang her up?
I was going to get some coffee, would you
Like a cup?"

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?

The time that we spent together was not near enough
The paths of our lives were meant to just barely touch
You gave me more of everything than I think you know
And all there is left to say is I miss you so

I watch you through the window as you
Hesitate
My heart starts to race. I think, "What if
It's not too late?"
Your senses kick back in and you
Walk on by
You're feeling too good today to
See me cry

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?
Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to say I miss your face?
Am I allowed to see you at night when I dream?
Am I allowed one last embrace?
Am I allowed...?

.:] Church Shopping [:.

So for awhile now I've wanted to check out other faiths and places of worship. Well, this Sunday morning I decided to revisit my own. I chose a Catholic church based on its name. Kinda like picking a bottle of wine based on the look of its label. I went to St. Teresa of Avila. St. Teresa, my saint. Well, actually there are two St. Teresa's but I chose Teresa of Avila as my own. I love her story but mostly because of the sculpture by Bernini. Those Catholics sure knew how to promote their religion via beauty and art.

So per usual, I got to Mass late. I was very late anyways because they had a special Mass which combined their Spanish spoken Mass with the usual noon Mass. Again I'd sat in the pews watching the patrons go and take communion. I stayed after the ceremony and checked out the church and lingered and listened to the priests speak with the church goers. It seemed like a nice community and very culturally diverse.

Ultimately, I have problems with the doctrines coming out of Rome. Yet I know I don't want to continue being a non-practicing Roman Catholic. I like the values and beliefs I'd picked up from the Church and other religions that I've studied. I'd just like to find a community where I get to practice those ideas with others.

Thought: Mebbe this decision to go to church was Catholic guilt for the drunk blogging the night before. *gasp*

.:] LIZ! [:.

Another concert driven roadtrip with MK!!! and Frodo!!! Green Light!!!

Liz Phair - Red Light Fever

I'm wide awake in the dark
Tryin' to figure out where you are
Always goin' nowhere
'Fraid of goin' somewhere
Somewhere's a place in your heart

Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
Drowning the thoughts of you like in the music

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
You can't run it to even her
How you gonna get through the year
You can't

Playin' on the sides of the night
Too many people want too many things
And you want to forget

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
Too scared to commit to even her
How you gonna make it through

You're always listenin'
You're always listenin'
You're always listenin'
To yourself

You're always thinkin'
You're always thinkin'
You knew what everybody else
Should do with their lives

I'm wide awake in the dark
Tryin' to figure out where you are
Always goin' nowhere
'Fraid of goin' somewhere
And somewhere's a place in your heart
Somewhere's a place in your heart

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
You can't run it to even her

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
Too scared to commit to even her
How you gonna get through the year

.:] Le conversare avec ma soeur [:.

ok so its at this part I have to describe the pig we both have drawn on Yahoo's Doodle Pad for IM. Its doodled... how elese to I discribe the mish-mash of colors and lines that we'd created. Me here in Chicago and Hedds out in Cali.... but that its got glasses and lipstick on .. just like how we used to dress up the roasted pig on The Fourth of July...

touchetoday: what?
kunokine6: Vraiment?
touchetoday: oui
kunokine6: Porquoi?
touchetoday: tu a rire ma journal de internet?
kunokine6: Non
touchetoday: parce que qhel question again?
touchetoday: tu should
touchetoday: bits en francais
kunokine6: Je regardez la "blog" demain.
touchetoday: oh.
touchetoday: quand?
kunokine6: Matin
touchetoday: 9its cool that we are IMing en francias)
kunokine6: Oui, tres bien
touchetoday: tu a lit? correct, non?
touchetoday: bein bein
touchetoday: merde je sious drunk off ma ass
kunokine6: Non, mias je connais.
kunokine6: heheheh
touchetoday: not read but "know"?
kunokine6: lire est "read"
kunokine6: lit est past tense
touchetoday: Comment dit "write"?
kunokine6: connir sp est know
kunokine6: ecrire
kunokine6: ecrit past tense
touchetoday: je va erire en "blog" journal c'est IM
touchetoday: future tense?
kunokine6: Ah, you are going to put our IM in your blog?
touchetoday: OUI!
kunokine6: Ok, but don't let too many people read it...its bad franglais.
kunokine6: how will you get the pig on?
touchetoday: WaY!
touchetoday: non.. non pork kay
touchetoday: un section avec franciase
touchetoday: comment dit "conversaion in french avec ma soer?"
touchetoday: er souer
touchetoday: er seuor
kunokine6: Don't leave out the pig though
touchetoday: non ma soeur
touchetoday: i can't host pictres
touchetoday: comment dit?
kunokine6: describe it then
touchetoday: en francais?
kunokine6: non
kunokine6: en englais
touchetoday: ok ok ok ok ok
kunokine6: So are you going to pass out. I think I am.
touchetoday: how do I speel sour?
touchetoday: er sister en francias?

We's S-M-R-T...

.:] sniff, sniff [:.

You smell that? Its Devon's virility.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG GUY!!!

and I've never wanted to have stuff so much after being in Eb's place. BEE-YOO-TI-FUL!!

.:] god bless 'em [:.

The can finally dance.

Wheaton College has finally lifted a ban on dancing on campus imposed since the FREAKING Civil War. That's through the Swing Era through Elvis and even Disco (remember Dizzy?). Man they even missed out on house parties.

Quote: Under the new set of rules, called the Community Covenant, students may dance, but should avoid behavior "which may be immodest, sinfully erotic or harmfully violent." Dude, I would so be in trouble... just within the dance itself. I don't think I could do it. I'd be crazed. I guess I wouldn't have known how important swing dancing is in my life. Perhaps I'd find another creative outlet somewhere else. Its disappointing to think how many people have missed out on the fun of dancing. Just because a group of people believed they were doing their fellow Christians a favor?

Makes me think of how I'd felt denied of what I enjoy, not because of a covenant, but because it wasn't accepted. Amazing how you're life is formed from a few disapproving looks. Or little comments. "You don't make alot of money being an artist, do you?" I remember being a conversation killer when I would tell my mother's friends that I was studying theatre. ok not entirely true. I'd get some comment about becoming a movie star. You wanna see a movie of this part of my life? Check out Double Happiness...

That might be a big reason why I don't bother trying to go to Filipino parties. What do I have to talk about? No I never did graduate from Loyola. Well, I'm still working on massage therapy. I feel like I know the first thing they think of is "masseuse." The "love you long time" kind. Not the "let me help you heal yourself" kind. Married? NO. and then it will pretty much ends there except to say that I look like I gained weight from the last time they saw me. *sigh* God bless 'em anyways...

.:] francophile [:.

oui! il a commence ce matin...

As I sat at Argo Tea on Armitage. Ispied on a duo speaking French. As I sat doing my sewing (who else does sewing in a tea shop?), I listened and caught phrases here and there. It just piqued my interest in learning French again. And then what comes up on the Argo soundtrack?

Thank Heaven for Little Girls - Maurice Chevalier

Thank heaven for little girls
For little girls get bigger every day!
Thank heaven for little girls
They grow up in the most delightful way!

Those little eyes
So helpless and appealing
One day will flash
And send you crashin' thru the ceilin'

Thank heaven for little girls
Thank heaven for them all,
No matter where no matter who
For without them, what would little boys do?

Thank heaven...
Thank heaven...
Thank heaven for little girls!

So eventually in the day I continue to do my sewing. But instead of putting on some music, I do what Eddie used to do. Put on a movie and just listen to it from another room. Le film du choix French Kiss! Gorgeous soundtrack Beautiful South covers "Dream a Little Dream" en francais. And Kevin Klein sings in French during the end credits...

Get to Parade practice and Tom Walsh is grinning b/c he has put on a CD. I almost instantly ask who it is b/c it is an AMAZING version of Van Morrison's Moondance. Its Micheal Buble and TOM WALSH has me swooning by going on about his French accent and his fantastic show at the Black Orchid. Then we dance to the next song and I'm inspired...one of the best dances I've had in long time. I so need a copy of that CD - one of the few CDs I would seek out for my miniscule Swing music collection. ~ c'est fin!

Au revoir et bonne nuit!

.:] my 'hood [:.

Lemme tell ya, my guest from SF's eyes got real wide when Nana asked: So are you guys staying in the 'hood?

and so yeah, I had to be upfront. Yeah, we were stayin' in da hood. In fact there are a few cop cars down my street in my 'hood right now. Probably "investigating" the the guy yelling at the top of his lungs in what I assume is English but not very understandable - prolly b/c I'm making sure i'm in front of the computer away from the windows. (there's a pun in there - did you find it?)

I've also noticed an increase of spraypainted insignia. I can only assume this was for my guests benefit or else I just never noticed it so much before. I'm suspecting that I'm in a People gang area - this is what I've deciphered from off of my neighbor's garage.

I think it remarkable that everytime illegal drugs were easily accesible to me I was just never really interested in partaking. Shite, my uncle who used to live in this very house, used to tell me ALL the time: "If you or your friends need 'things' for your parties, you let me know. I know who to talk to." I'd always just had him buy my beer... Silly me. Well, if anyone needs "things" for their parties head over to my 'hood.

.:] recent junk [:.

Its been while since I'd shared my stuffs with Kam and all so here ya go... Sagar - you see song? lemme know...

From the Chinky Journal and the Black Spiral Sketch book - various dates within the last year:

His Town

A man walks into this city
& watches the flow & go
of the tracks and paths and roads.
He finds the intricacies of the
underpass of a highway.

How can this hold everyone? Every One
and their ongoing back & forth
come & go?

Yet another bus
crescendo passes decrescendo
with massive engine and mass of people.

Where did they come from?
Where are they going?

He walks in this city
crossing the street
challenging despite the traffic
mid city block
overcome
he's hero
He sits on a park bench
& decides to stay.

untitled

we've a world of own
within our gaze
our eyes see beyond
this bedroom and dream
a future into reality
between the two
of us
we fit into each other's world

cling.

Cling.
don't want to just cling
and hold on
waiting for what life will bring
and hoping
kneel and pray for everything
will turn
out right
dont you see
its gotta be
solid for me
need to stop going around
finally settle down
boundary bound

Cling.
and you
will you stay
hold on
fling
fly away
bring
me down
hold me up
or hold me down
then throw me away

.:] new mantra [:.

From dearest cousine Kam:

"It's all crap right now but don't allow any of this to affect your vitality, your energy and sparkle for life..."

Makes me want to have a whiskey in honour of her incredible way of making me feel better from all the way over from across the pond.

Oh yeah... the ACTUAL poem that I'd read for Kam and AJ was *this* one:

I do
thank you
my partner in this

you move me
in the slightest touch
no words for the glimpse of a smile
no sounds but song
in the depths of our hearts

You take me
and make me beautiful
better than I believed that I ever could be

gliding
floating nothing of this earth
swaying
sharing all that we are

Now speak to me, I'll listen to you & the music & our dance

.:] Yummy goodness [:.

So as I'd mentioned I had incredible luck thanks to metromix.

Firstly, since there is no way I'm going to cook in my Pops' place, I knew I had to find a place to break fast. Then I discovered my guest from Cali had a great appreciation of food AND COFFEE!! Well, I always passed by Riverside Deli as I rode the Armitage bus into the city from the 'hood. So we took a go at it. Good bless adventurous friends! Its a quaint tiny little place (or so I'd thought) that served great coffee and left a big carafe for the both of us. Wonderful breakfast special that included plantains for Alexis and an Italian fritata for me. As we finished up, the manager invited us to take a look around the entire restaurant. There were three more additional rooms! Beautiful and interesting antiques and prints throughout the back rooms. She showed us where they have a fantastic Sunday brunch. Since it was pretty cold out, we didn't venture out to their garden area.

The next morning, our ongoing hunt for great coffee brought us to Bittersweet on Belmont. Beautiful cafe that unfortunately was packed when we arrived but worth the short wait to sit and have a soup and sandwich - Mmm.. Potato artichoke soup and a lovely salami concoction. I had an Illy coffee and Alexis slurped down so carefully and completely the Bittersweet Hot Chocolate. Its a hot cocoa served in a beautiful white bowl with nummy orange flavors. Then we treated ourselves to cute lil desserts. I'd had the Creme Brulee (!!!) and I think A. had the Almond Something with Blueberries. All too pretty to eat but we did anyways... yeah.... until the Pops wedding announcement I was think *this* is the place I'm getting the wedding cake from.... now I don't wanna get married and I wanna scarf down a phatty triple pack of Hostess cupcakes... makes sense - Bittersweet.

ah well.. for another adventure, Ddub and I are meeting a couple from his neighborhood for sushi!! We're going to check out Oysy. Let you guys know what's the deal tomorrow...

.:] Open Letter [:.

Another letter I'd written that I'd never sent - Date doesn't matter and I think this letter was applicable to alot of people...

To Whom This Concerns -

After our talk last night, I'd remembered another talk we'd had late one night. You'd asked me if - sometimes down the line - you'd gotten grossly disfigured in a fire, would I still be with you? I'd said, I don't know, I'd like to think that I was strong enough to be there with you - IF it ever happened.

Well, I wanted to let you know DAMN YOU for giving up on me. I'd gotten depressed and you weren't there for me. And yes it MAY happen again, it MIGHT even be worse. For all your care and concern, FUCK OFF, for being afraid of the future, what might be. And SCREW YOU, for being kind and considerate, by giving me mixed messages, FUCKO. Another FUCK OFF for not giving me the benefit of the doubt, for not knowing I'm more that just this sad disease or that I won't ace it and be the most well-adjusted depressed person, you'd ever known to love you.

-t

All you all smell that? yeah, its bitterness.... but whatever... as backstreet says: "You're a handful, Tess."

.:] worthy of blogging [:.

I'd blog about the WCLX5 weekend if I actually participated in a bunch of it. But I was a butt for most of it. Again, I think the best part of an exchange weekend is the hosting/guesting bit.

This year I had the pleasure of hosting Alexis from SF. The entire weekend was filled with rockstar parking and incredible luck with trying out restauraunts and cafes I wanted to try on a whim. Wouldn't you know it, leaving Chicago meant having to take public transportationa and not finding a decent cafe. Alexis - reason # 400something to go dancing in SF. Either that or I have to pay off some university to bring her back into Chicago....

Another great part of the exchagne weekend is meeting up with old friends. SOooo so many.. and I was a butt and didn't spend the time I could've catching up. I was so exhausted (still am). STILL so nice to see folks I hadn't seen in more than a year or so... thanks for the gin, nando...

and now for the best bit - my Pops is getting remarried. I'm not all that thrilled about it. Now I think I understand how my parents just sat and listened to all my crazy plans and stories and just let me do it with disapproving faces. Right now, i'm pretty passive about it.. but last night, when i found out... i was raging pissed. Still not entirely sure why but I do know that I have to get out of this house ASAP. So anyone out there know of a nice super cheep studio/room/frathouse rental, lemme know...

.:] Real World entry [:.

touchetoday (10:06:45 AM): well?
gatorswings (10:07:05 AM): that's what you get water out of
gatorswings (10:07:08 AM): at least in Illinois
touchetoday (10:07:16 AM): Oooo...
gatorswings (10:07:22 AM): in NY it's usually bottled
touchetoday (10:07:24 AM): speaking of which when are you getting here?
touchetoday (10:07:33 AM): I think its called gin in that area?

and with that... gator arrives with a bottle of Tanquery NY water for me. Rock Star.

.:] PSA yo [:.

This is for your own good, folks...

The Fabulous Tom Beeyachski Band will be playing on Friday, Nov 14. For five dollars, you can enjoy the mellow tones of the greatest band in the world (oh wait, that's Tenacious D). Okay, how about "an adequate rock band that does fun covers plus also songs that will crack your shit up"?

Friday - Nov 14th, 10:00 PM - 2AM
Jefferson Tap
325 N. Jefferson St. (West Loop - Near Jefferson and Fulton)

The bar has free parking in a lot two blocks south!
Call them for details.

Tons of great entertainment for only $5 bucks!!!
** text off of mugsy's blog...

.:] tired. [:.

I'm exhausted and a little wasted and just a little bit bloated from Micky D's and root beer. Even after a series of answered emails I felt like perusing some blogs....

My tired is entirely different from other people's tired. Earlier today, I know my tired was a depressed tired. I was so emotionally drained. And then I spent the evening with Ddub and his HILARIOUS friends in Oak Park. SO then my tired included vodka and hearty laughter. But then I read swingdoc's most recent entry. Her tired. Now that's gots to be some amazing stuff. Really, if you read her earlier entries you get a better idea. But for her to still make a point of wanting to be right there with her husband after having such an eventful day. Made me think of this song. (Saw a show with the Foo Fighters recently where Dave Grohl dedicated this to his "lady". that's another great example of a fantastic relationship.)

Foo Fighters - Tired

I can be your liar
I can be your bearer of bad news
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Burning like a flame inside of you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired

Hanging on this wire
Waiting for the day where I'll have to choose
Cursed by love so dire
One more boy for hire
One more boy to lend a hand to you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired of you

I can be your liar
I can be your bearer of bad news
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Burning like a flame inside of you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired of you

.:] fakesters and flawlessness [:.

Yeah, I'm listening to this song again... The John Mayer song that MK sent me the lyrics. So many thoughts... Firstly, fakesters for me. I've no patience for it. I don't have time anymore for people that try to impress me. I don't like dealing with the pretense anymore. Don't get me wrong I can bullshit with the best of them. However, if has to do with where I want to dedicate my time with another person, I won't put up with fluff and insincerity. Apparently, its the straight-out morons I need protection from.

Perfect people scare me. More specifically they creep me out. Seriously, once I start to think: "he's too good" or "she's too perfect", I have to wonder what they are hiding. What's buried in the basement? That can't be true... And I'll never be comfortable with that person. Perfect people *shudder* I much prefer human beings...

.:] Comfortable [:.

MK just sent me these lyrics. She thought it would be a nice addition to my blog. And she's right.

I think I might have finally come to a certain realization that my life doesn't have to be so damn complex. There doesn't have to be outrageous drama. I don't have to get my feelings hurt. I don't need to get so bent out of shape over things. Do what makes you happy, comfortable.

Its too bad that the lyrics are so tragic. But I am a sucker for that stuff....

John Mayer - Comfortable

I just remembered that time at the market
You snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down
Aisle five
You looked behind you and smiled back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us
If we could leave

Can't remember
What went wrong last September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me
If you had to

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say, "She's gonna be good for
you."
They throw me
High fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was
So dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she's arty
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
Poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I love you
Grey sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back

.:] Off of Guest Checks 821-5 [:.

No date but has to be the last week of 2001

So much to write about & I don't even have my journal with me. Two things I definitely have to write about before I go to work @ Leona's tonight.

First, last night I had a serious problem saying good night to TK. Maybe it was b/c I had made the horrible assumption that I would be sleeping over last night. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't drive into Chicago all the time - if he wouldn't make the effort to see me? Why doesn't he make the effort to try to see me when he can?

Why was I so so blue yesterday? Maybe b/c I was all tired & cranky yesterday. maybe b/c I feel like he doesn't care for me like I care for him? I just don't feel the reassurance of his love for me. and its not like it takes a lot. I'm not all encompassing of his attentions. I'm not demanding he make time for me from work and give it to me. But I feel like I make all the phone calls. I send all the emails. I don't ask for presents, demand gifts. All he had to do was leave me a voice mail or an email. He did that on those few days before we got back together. I guess I was expecting that . Why didn't he ever call me and check on me? I'd always called him then too? sigh. I suppose I could talk to him about it tonight.

.:] kitties! [:.

First of all I have to say I'm a lil dissed appointed that Rocco's lil kitties don't get to stay with me. However, they have a wonderful home over at Ddub's. I'm quite sure they are going to get spoilt rotten. So this is only another great motivator for me to move out and get my own place. I want my kitties with ME.

I feel a bit guilty. I haven't seen my darling Dulce in more than a year now. To be fair, she's not mine but Bluebird's now. Nonetheless, I'm feeling like a deadbeat dad er something.

So now about the cats. Firstly, their names... Jewel and Samantha. Jewel, the baby girl, a grey tabby is sister to ex-J's cat, Akiko. Jewel is most definitely the bigger of the two and a bit more neurotic. We were a little worried that she wouldn't adjust all that well but she seems to be doing very well so far. She certainly is demanding of your attention like a dog putting its snout under your head demanding a petting. Samantha, the mom to the lovely tabbies is very affectionate as well. More matter of fact than demanding - she very simply will make a place for herself in your lap and then wait for your attention. And it will come... She's no doubt of it. And here's some pictures!

.:] argh [:.

Don't you just hate it when you're by the el passing out flyers and a big ole' pick-up truck comes by and fuckin' splashes you from head to toe in nasty ass rainwater that previously was just a pool of potential sewage on the street just a second ago?

.:] no doubt [:.

Doubt sucks.. No Doubt rocks. Hard.

No Doubt - Start The Fire

C'mon baby get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

The army of words is in me
Silent the soldier weeps
Lying here back to back
Waiting for you to be react

Sometimes all i need is a good push
Roll over and whisper some goodness
Go on baby you be the hero
Now can we go back to zero

Go on and get the lighter
We're gonna need some fire
Let's get a little higher
The battlefield is tired
And why all that?
Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

Just come here and cuddle up
I feel a little rough
I missed you in my sleep
Are you still mad at me?

The moon must have mended my bad mood
Come kiss me the way you're meant to
Last night i was just playing
Let's put it all away and

Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire
Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

Climb in, love with me
Climb in and love me
Go on now baby you get it

Had quite a heavy night
So girl look it all up and bright
The most stubborn girl around
You really know how to bring me down
One more famous night to remember
Let's laugh at my silly temper
Now let's spend the morning sweetly
Get over here and complete me

Go on now baby you get it

.:] Halloween RULES!!! [:.

Sewiously. Are you sewious?

Yes I am.. I think that since we no longer have the kick arse Fourth of July event in DG that Halloween just may be my NEW fave holiday. Funny how things change... Tat any rate... Yeah I don't care to much for Christmas cause again despite all the festivities and gifts etc. I don't like the hyped up drama. As if finding a costume isn't drama enough.

Par example, finding a costume for Ddub's friends' partay... ugh.. I was bitching and moaning till we finally figured out something.. fate based on Botan Rice Candy.. and *that* idea fell through for me. I got all cranky and pissy again but then I gots an idea... So what I did was picked up a kimono at Ragstock, stuck some postage stamps on me forehead, and wrote: "Airmail" and "First Class" on my face. First one to get that one gets to name ma first born! It was a hit! whoo- friggin who!

However this year's Halloween was easy peasy lemon squeezy. I gots ta be part of a faboo group costume! I was So-and-so from Teen Girl Squad on Homestar. It twas awesome.. well despite the fact that the Cheerleader didn't show up...ah well.. i just hope she's ok. I know she just got back from Allemande with prize money! Go Cheerleader!!!

Ok... So if Halloween is my new fave holiday, when do the Morris brothers come and barge in on the fun? Sewiously, holidays are not as much fun w/o ma honorary annoying brothers...

.:] Shivers [:.

Can someone - ANYone help me find a copy of this song? Actually, if anyone knows how I can get my mitts on a "Dogs In Space" Soundtrack, I'll so totally invite you to my next birthday party...

Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - Shivers

I've been contemplating suicide,
But it really doesn't suit my style,
So i think i'll just act bored instead
Who can take (alt: and contain) the blood i would've shed?

She makes me feel so ugly (alt: so weary) (alt: so ill at ease)
My heart is really on it's knees
But i keep a poker face so well
That even mother couldn't tell

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a permanent shiver down my
Spine

I keep her photograph against my heart
For in my life she plays a starring part
All alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regrets

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a permanent shiver down my
Spine

She makes me feel so ugly
My heart is really on it's knees
But i keep a poker face so well
That even mother couldn't tell

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a perennial shiver down my
Spiii-yi-yiiii-yi-yiiii-yi-yiyiyi-ine