.:] Happy Holidays Indeed [:.

Pops just pulled the infamous Christmas Ham out of the oven. The air is filled with the smell of brown sugar and cloves - I can't complain about a damn thing. That's so wonderfully refreshing.. my sisters will be over in a little bit to celebrate the Eve here with us. Then off to a midnight mass... This is going to be a very different Christmas indeed. The first Christmas after my parents have divorced officially. Tomorrow is Christmas Day Dinner with Mar. With Rusty and Randall, Auntie Wing and Auntie Lorrainne's families, etc. It'll be much like Christmas was but with the DG house feeling more and more like a place to visit...

I'd had an outstanding holiday yesterday. For once, I had a very productive day @ work while on the phone with what I believe was a unicorn. Had a good workout then a lovely spa before meeting up with said unicorn at one of my favorite architectural landmarks, the Monadnock. Went off to spend some sketch time with Larado Taft @ the AIC . I'd forgotten to ask where the unicorn went while I was sketching. We had some stuffed pizsa before going to drink ourselves silly and jam out with PartyTom and swingdoc. There was a lovely point of the night that I got to get a good look at everyone and get sentimental. I was surrounded by dear friends, old and new, that love to be with me and my drunk ass. They love to sing, joke, banter, insult, and share stories AND dance... with me! Though Kim said it must have been a mistake that got invited, she told me that she loved me and was glad that I showed up when I finally got my ass out of her lovely home this morning. And there's a tie for my favoritest Christmas/Holiday song this year:

Liz Phair version - Baby Its Cold Outside

I really can't stay - But baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Oh, baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to that fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Oh beautiful, please don't hurry
Maybe just a half a drink more - Why don't you put some records on while I pour

The neighbours might think - Oh baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - There's no cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense of hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Oh baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - You know it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Oh, your lips are delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Like waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Oh, your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a cigarette more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'd freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - You know it's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - I thrill when you touch my hand
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Dido - On Christmas Day

A young gentleman came riding past
On a snow blue winter's day
He asked to drink, by our fire,
And I was pleased to let him stay
He drank there quietly for a while,
Then he turned and said to me
Your eyes are green, like summer grass,
Your lips are red like a fresh cut rose,
Your hair is soft like an irish stream
And your voice is filled with sweet beauty
And the last words I heard him say
Were "I shall return, for you, my love, on christmas day"
The night will come but I won't sleep,
As I watch the stars that lead him,
I cannot place where his is,
But still my heart goes with him,
I'm savin all my sunday clothes
For the day the day that I'll be leavin
Father knows, my sister knows,
And my friends, they're happy for me
And the priest he says, you should thank god,
For the blessing of such beauty,
And the last words I heard him say
Were "I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day"
I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day.
And the last words I heard him say
Were the last words I ever heard him say
I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day
I swear, I will return on christmas day,
And yes, I shall return on christmas day
I shall return, for you, on christmas day,
My love I will return on christmas day,
I shall return, my love on christmas day
On christmas day...

.:] Never Settle For Less update [:.

thought this was necessary because well, MK inspired me with her list. From reading her list, it makes me think that I don't really have much of a list. It also makes me realize why we get attracted to the same kinda guys. Though I most definitely prefer mine with a good head of hair. I also like how she refers to her list as a way to actualization. My list was inspired by Mariza's list that brought her my cousin, Jay.

...doesn't drink everyday .. sense of humour .. loves music .. sings .. thoughtful romantic .. dances (nice and slow) .. knows when to kick my butt .. knows when to leave me alone .. great to take on a road trip .. will play in a water fight .. opens the door - car or otherwise .. walks along with me on the streetside .. walks with me to the playground .. does NOT SNORE .. knows movies .. funny .. cares more about me than money .. loves travel .. loves long phone calls and longer letters .. writes me notes .. likes tea .. reliable .. doesn't yell .. great in bed .. creative .. resourceful .. practical .. DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled .. foriegn films .. risk taker .. a night person .. loves pets - cats and dogs .. reads ALOT .. cracks ma shitup .. good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* .. looks me in the eye .. holds my hand in public .. doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties .. DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe .. helps with jacket .. MUST DIG ROBOTECH .. doesn't smoke everyday .. must {heart} toys .. love video games BUT not an addict .. an appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde .. funny .. geeks alot about alot of things.. willing to make an ass of himself .. DEALBREAKER: able to survive the Philippines .. more action than talk .. more play than work .. loves food .. a team player .. a life-time learner .. knows when to negotiate and when to stand his ground .. inspirational .. patient with me and himself .. lets me know I'm worth his time and attention ..

.:] Busy Day [:.

Busy plans for tomorrow er today... work, workout, visit the Art Institute of Chicago, convince young HeyYou to move to Chicago, and hot tub. *phew*

2 things: one. Phone is down. Apparently I'd missed a call/chance to catch another open mic with MK. I've been working with the sketches I have but I'm not all that happy with all of them (explaining the visit to AI). I did give MK one of the pieces that has worked so far - primarily b/c she is the subject ;) Sorry if I haven't returned calls. I'll try to figure this all out tomorrow as well.

two. Interesting view into the male psyche with a walking talking real-life version of John Cusack's character in High Fidelity tonight. I'll have to expound more later as anne-girl and I did a pub crawl with self-loathing bloke - I need to pass out and start a new day. sorta.

.:] banana [:.

when was the last time I ever wrote a banana story?

.:] one more time... with meaning... [:.

Woke up to this...

John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tried to be something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin that I've been trippin' in
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll glady go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry
Wait for my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

and this radio interview continues to ask John Mayer what the real meaning of the song is... He replies: It doesn't have any meaning to it. Actually, I want to be the "Pour Some Sugar On Me" of our times. ...Pooour some sugar on me..in the name of love!...poour some sugar on me..." I damn near pissed maself.

.:] Sistahs [:.

Firstly, I'd come across this magazine I'd prolly seen a thousand times as I flyer the city. Its gravity, the Columbia College magazine. But this time I notice that on the cover is Jenny Choi and Yoko Noge. Two of the greatest Asian American female inspirations to my writing and music. Here's a great article about them. You can download a Jenny Choi song from that site as well.

I'd come across some interesting essays I'd written in college about the entire submissive, passive, exotic myths of AA women. Man, I can understand why my sister believed that I was getting racist... But its true perceptions from experiences from my part. Its weird that I joke about it now but the issue of mail order brides used to get me raging to tears...

And came across a wonderful collection of short stories/eloquent five chapters: When the Emperor Was Divine by Julie Otsuka. Reminds me very much of the collection Seventeen Syllables by Hisaye Yamamoto. While Yamamoto 's prose describes interesting recollections of life in the Japanese internment camps, I think Otsuka, by using different aspects of one Japanese American family gives, in a beautiful little package, all the stories I'd ever read about the camps. Its a quick read, folks. Educational and insightful readings of an incident in American history that was never included in my high school textbook.

.:]...yawn...[:.

tough getting up this morning after the roller coaster yesterday... besides I was all warm and snuggly in blankets.

Got to spend time with Hedds, who if I hadn't mention it before has blown out her knee again. Prolly ACL. Its so disheartening to see her hobbling around on crutches. She's usually the one that's zooming around working out and getting errands done before I get my morning tea. She'd gotten into a yucky blue period the last time it happened while she was rockstarring on the Loyola soccer team. And it surely didn't help her spirits to find out that one of her favorite restaurants, Lakeview on Ashland, will not be there the next time she comes back. Luckily Matt's been a saintly sweetheart and taking care of my sister. And she's firm to her commitment to become vegan in the new year so we've a pact to have a blow out sushi night after Christmas but before New Year's!

and then I'd decided to call Ddub out of the blue and we'd decided to meet up for drinkies. I hadn't seen him since well, before we broke up. For all the times I'd thought I'd missed him and wanted to talk to him about all sorts of crap, I just couldn't. I was all in my head and self-editing which makes for no conversation. I'd realized he was right, I didn't talk to him like I talked to other people. It became perfectly clear when in an interesting discussion of American and global medical policy I couldn't get a word in - and that is one issue, as a person in the alternative health/preventative medicine profession, that I would have loads of crap to expound on. But I hated HATED feeling as though I needed to create a prescence to partake in a conversation. After many starts and stops to trying to get into the conversation, I gave up and started to shoot the shit with the cute waitress. Later, I had the chance to ask HeyYou the questions I'd wanted.... I hate feeling badly...

Ok, need yummy list...

- saunas
- French accents :drool:
- Wonderfully skanky Miss Lesley songs
- brandy soaked cherries
- laughing so hard I have to stop dancing
- making sweet sweet love on the dance floor
- finding what thought you'd never see again
- someone finding a song just for you
- finding a newbie like finding a diamond on the sidewalk - ok this deserves expanding... a new guy at Bungalow asks me to dance. Starts off with east coast swing, and then simple lindy moves, and then starts stylin like mad and I'm keeping up. Its cool to find someone who can dance but someone who is consciencous and wants to dance to your level and so bothers to take it slow...wow.
- finding another bartender who rocks
- pretty manicures
- late long phone calls
- Cookie Monster

.:] dissed appointed [:.

I friggin hate disappointment. It just shows what kinda of ridiculous expectation I tend to put on things. I really gotsta stop doing that shit. But poor woodwork is missing out on Chicago AGAIN and I'm missing out on my first strip club. Boo fuckin' hoo...

Its really kinda sad, I'd figured out what horrible things happen when we plans to meet. A few weeks ago he had the flu er something. The time before that his car got towed. This time his car ran a patch of ice and slid into a light pole. The time before the last time I bashed my head after this guy tried to kiss me. Dude, its gotta be a sign...

oh so speaking of strip clubs... belcanto and I had another interesting conversation about being an "escort." She'd pointed out that on craigslist (which I guess I still need to check out) that there was an ad about some guy very simply wanting to watch a girl put stockings on. ok, i'm hoping stockings, you know the ones with a garterbelt? 'Cause we were thunking that watching a girl putting on pantyhose...not the most graceful, sexy thing to see. Would I be an escort? If I were, I'd have a blog much like this.

oh, dear woodwork, mebbe you should call me after you read this..and you too ROCCO, you punk!

.:] Early Presents [:.

Feel free to use this blog as a chararter witness to my slow madness from my Dad's karaoke. I swear, I'm not making this up.

ok so list of happy things, as I blow my hearing listening to CRANKED UP Christmas tunes. Not just your classic crap, but Dido and Sting singing wonderful hymms, etc. The Jackson Five giving love on Christmas. George Micheal bitching about how Last Christmas he got screwed over. You know what I mean...

COOLEST RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS: I was sprinting to catch a bus and I totally missed it. A car pulls up and honks at me. I ignore it cause I just fucking missed a bus, ASSHOLE. Then they roll down their window and this girl goes: You just miss your bus? I say, yeah. Jump in. I can catch it, she tells me. So I jump into a complete stranger's car. We Chat for the next five blocks and I catch my bus. How cool is that?

Hedds does the coolest random acts of kindness of anyone I know. One time in college, a couple asked her for change as she was going to her car. She goes on to drive this couple to the closest grocery store and offers to buy them their dinner. The cool part of the story was that the couple compared prices and tried to get the cheapest stuff they could. My sisters are so good hearted.

Hedds is flying in tonight. Rusty and Rachel are finally in Downers Grove and Randall will be over for Christmas at Mar's. Woodwork comes to visit this weekend. Its like Christmas is here early.

.:] Open Letter [:.

I'm sorry that its been a while since I'd returned your email...

I was in some sort of holding pattern knowing that I'm going to finish massage school, but not knowing exactly when. Then I went to what was supposed to be my graduation night last night. It was the first time that I'd seen the rest of my classmates since I'd left without notice. Needless to say, I'm now inspired. One of the student speakers even announced to the class that I was in the audience. But some important words that I'd heard from one of my professors were "feelings of self-doubt" and "time for self-healing." even after graduation.

Now I know why I didn't graduate with the rest. I felt as though I had to be completely healthy and free of doubt before I could practice. What every professor that did speak alluded to the fact that this is a journey where I will not always know everything, I will not always heal, and I will have to ask for help. Meeting with my classmates afterwards I know I have their full support and love. I always have. Why is it I never know I'm missed until I'm gone and back again?

Its true. You'd said: Sometimes you can learn more about yourself getting off track and experiencing what it takes to get back on track. Going off track made it very clear where my path is...Someone said that I was "Destination without path" and I'd believed it was true at the time. I don't think its true any longer...

.:] From the Red/White Flower Fabric Journal [:.

Going through 31 journals trying to REcollect my poetry esp from what was in the "What Should Be Song" collection. Found this gem. I was an assisting stage manager for a local theatre production of Annie. I was the official brat wrangler. The poor things, so curious, would always try to sneak a peek around the stage curtain. So laid down some tape on the stage in the wings and told the older kids that they could not cross it. Simply, I said, because the audience could see you and that would ruin the show. I saved myself ALOT of trouble with wrangling and shushing. The kids ended up policing themselves and stayed behind the line or else suffered a mean look from me.


18 July 1998 - Urbana - 9:40p

"She asked, what is your favorite thing to do in the theatre? This is after watching Buck and I taping down down the visual cables. We are all taking a break of sorts, drinking our makeshift Cola snow cones. "Directing. I like directing in theatre. What about you? What's your favorite thing to do in the theatre?" "My favorite thing is sitting." She couldn't have been older than six."

.:] PSA [:.

'cause I fuckin' give a damn...

.:] Graduation [:.

I went to what would have been my graduation night with CSMT Class 70. I don't think I could describe the feeling... kinda was like I've come home... I'll have to write more later... much later, I'd sliced open my thumb pretty badly earlier while I was helping set up for the party and now its starting to throb like crazy. Apprently it was s'posed to happen...

.:] Yay, Democracy [:.

Took this quiz. Thanks to Shanabanana and PokeAlex of Poke Alex in The Eye fame

The results make me regret missing the Al Sharpton SNL episode a few weeks ago...

Your Results:

1. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%) Click here for info
2. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR - Democrat (70%) Click here for info
3. Sharpton, Reverend Al - Democrat (67%) Click here for info
4. Kucinich, Rep. Dennis, OH - Democrat (66%) Click here for info
5. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (65%) Click here for info
6. Moseley-Braun, Former Senator Carol, IL - Democrat (61%) Click here for info
7. Edwards, Senator John, NC - Democrat (52%) Click here for info
8. Gephardt, Rep. Dick, MO - Democrat (49%) Click here for info
9. Kerry, Senator John, MA - Democrat (49%) Click here for info
10. Libertarian Candidate (47%) Click here for info
11. Lieberman, Senator Joe, CT - Democrat (32%) Click here for info
12. Bush, President George W. - Republican (19%) Click here for info
13. Phillips, Howard - Constitution (6%) Click here for info

.:] Let me, let me, let me...[:.

...get what I want...

Got the wishlist idea from Mugs and Rachakate. I'm still waiting on the Suicidal 80's compliation from K-Tel...

The Smiths - Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

Good times for a change
See, the luck i've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what i want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life i've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what i want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

.:] I'm good...[:.

for like, another few months.

Had one of those indescribable blues dances with backstreet tonight. And all I can say is that we were ON. Sure, we were kidding about making out in the corner but damn... I seriously needed a cigarette after that dance.

ok let's see if I can put this in civilian/laymen's terms. First of all when you get a good dance, its the great communication, without words, WITH the music, and the level/style of dancing, the timing, and pleasure. ALL of that all at once.. That's OOMPH. When you can get all that goodness to work together that's more than magic. Its like having all the planets align but the cool thing is you know YOU had a part in it; making it work and creating something special. So then with a blues dance its even more intimate, not just in the sexually charged music, not just the suggestive intimate dancing, there is more risk involved. I believe that there has to be more trust, creatively and physically. Its like writing a song with someone. Its like taking bits and pieces of yourself, you, your mind, and putting it out there. Making it work. Together. Its a trip. And I love it.

Reminds me... Found an old, old email from someone I'd written a good song with the other day. It was about art, music, and creating. Maybe once I have the guts to hunt him down again, I'll have to post the letter. Plus it was a nice little pat on the back for me...

Oh and I got see MK perform too. That' s just always awesome. I'm just grateful I've got such talented friends. It not only motivated me to get me butt out there but I also got some really good sketches of the other performers. I really wish I could share them....

.:] More with the Bunny [:.

I've added more.

.:] Bandits [:.

Nana got me hooked on this movie. Its pretty entertaining. ITs in German. And I love the soundtrack. Anne-girl got me hooked on the soundtrack. again. She's going to teach me how to play this on guitar. Finally.

Bandits - Another Sad Song

Well I'm sitting alone
with my guitar slightly out of tune
and it's a lovely night in June.
And I try to write a song
With a happy slomo melody
like I have tried so many times before
But I can't really tell you, what is wrong
but all that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me on the phone.
Maybe I should hit town, have some fun
to small talking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brandnew dress
or learn up a usefull game like chess.

No I can't really tell you,
what is wrong
but all that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me at the phone
Maybe I should hit town have some fun
to smalltalking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brandnew dress
or learn up a usefull game like chess.
Another lonely night, turns to day
with another hair of mine, turning grey
No I can't really tell you
just what is wrong, my dear,
but still what comes out is
another sad song.

.:] Shields up [:.

Its unfortunate but it happens.

As I'm giving a massage that's meant to relax, sometimes a client will take guard. Their muscles will tense a little or there joints won't bend as I move their limbs. Sometimes they will jerk away at my touch.

No matter the amount of preplanning can guarantee that my well-intended touch won't set up a client's defenses. Its no matter how thoroughly the intake interview covered injury history, discussed comfort level, and what's been agreed upon for what the session will cover. Something can go wrong.

What disappoints me most is there may be times when my client can't get to the same level of relaxation as they had before they armored up. Even after we discuss if something was wrong with the pressure, temperature, whatever. Even if I make changes necessary. But I don't give up and I don't try harder, I just try to continue.

This reminds me why I bother with morons and fucknuts. Hell, if I gave up on every person that happened to steel themselves up to my touch then I wouldn't have many folks to practice on. I guess I've felt that way to the morons that have lied to me and made me feel bad. I for some reason feel like I can work on it...

Massage has taught me a lot about forgiveness. Moving past hurt. Redirecting negative energies to something more constructive. The session may not be the entire body and soul healing as I would aspire for it to be but I have remember its only part of a step towards a healthier life.

.:] re: Cabana Boys [:.

ok for those not in the know...

Cabana Boys = weekend boyfriends

nothing really physically intimate past a nice kiss or some huggly-snuggly...

With all the nicey-nice of a real-life boyfriend. Holding hands while walking down the street. Someone to grocery shopping with me fort he dinner we'd make later (along with 12 other dancers.) Buying me drinks or bringing me water. Someone to call "sweetie" or "honey." Someone who would give the appropriate gaping stare or whistle (Thanks, TOM WALSH) when I'd bother to look stunning. Or supported my stumbling ass when I got too drinky. Lending a jacket when I got cold. Carrying bags or suitcases. Then there were the slow dances....mmmm....slow dances. Opening doors... etc...

And then back to Chicago to work on Monday - grinning about my dreamy, dreamy weekend boyfriend. *sigh* If only I had a weekend boyfriend my life would be perfect. yeah right.

Liz Phair - Fuck and Run

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard th rest in your head
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

.:] Update [:.

So I haven't been posting lately b/c in reaction to the recent karaoke events I've decided to make myself scarce at home. This has been in addition to the extra Crunch events I've been doin' as well as more visits to the gym. Its true btw Marina has the HOTTEST members...

but that will soon change as soon as the smelly whatever my dad is cooking is out of the kitchen and I can bear to set myself in front of the computer...

.:] Not quite Jackass [:.

But BETTER! It quite a weird sensation when you want to pull a frankyboy cause you're laughing so hard AND want to vomit at the same time. DO NOT WATCH THIS AT WORK. sewiously.

kid's show

Don't blame, Mugsy. Blame Nana.

.:] Words [:.

I like 'em. I like words alot. They come in handy. Sometimes I abuse and misuse them. I mispell and mispronounce them. Words, on the whole, have been good to me. On the most part they've helped me communicate my feelings and ideas into something much more than grunts and fingerpointing. But there are instances where they've betrayed me. Fucking bastards...

Anywho, I particularly like the way Jason Mraz puts words to music. Heard this one the radio after driving home from a particularly KICKASS Fizz. Must get more Mraz. Shite. Miracle on State woulda rocked hard. Well, there's Poi on New Years...

Jason Mraz - You And I Both

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words.

.:] Wide-eyed Sigh ... [:.

"If you were my boyfriend, my life would be perfect..."

Remember the Cabana Boys?

.:]Morning Funny[:.

got this in my inbox from my cousin-in-law in England who knows what I'm going through:

Hey Tess,

We've just got a load of karaoke CDs. Was thinking about sending copies
of them all to your dad. How does that sound?

Yours teasingly,
Andrew

Watch yer back there, limey. An ornery Besina does not compare to an out of tune Auza...

.:] Me, Lola, and Norah [:.

Often when I'm out walking/working/whatever, I've my head phones on. Well, one of them, cause I'm usually singing along and harmonizing witht the vocalist. What a sight/sound(?) for someone who comes across me crooning a tune. Perhaps they think: "That kinda sounds familiar, what is it?" Or: "Goddamn, she's fucking outtta tune."

Then there is my dear dear Lola, who as long as I've known her, has had a horrible singing voice. And no real ear for music as well. The dear woman has taught herself the keyboard at a ripe old age. Nonetheless, she mangles a karaoke version of " The Nearness of You" that has been turned up so she (and my Pops) can hear the song. (Nevermind that the words are going right across the screen...) The subwoofer thumps the bass gently through my bedroom wall.

Lying on my bed, I usually slip on my headphones to hear Norah Jones' version and I try to mangle a harmony.

Norah Jones - The Nearness of You

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

.:] As I Write The Last Entry... [:.

I am wearing earplugs.
I am also wearing headphones.
I'm still listening to Norah Jones.
The CD player volume is the highest it can go. It's on 9.
That's right - earplugs and headphones.

My father sings FUCKING KARAOKE in the next room.
The bass vibrates through the walls, through the floor, through my sneakers, into my feet.
I know better than to ask my father to BLOODY WELL TURN IT DOWN.

I have my winter coat on.
My hat and scarf are still on too.
My hands are cold from going outside. Again.
This last time I sat outside eating my yogurt.

I am singing.
I can hear my voice clearly.
I can hear Norah's quite distinctly.
My father's voice is a persistant, haunting, AND BLOODY ANNOYING ghost in my world of music

There are huge spaces, gaping spaces of FUCKIN GODDAMN KARAOKE as Norah and I stop between songs but the EVIL NEVER FUCKING ENDING KARAOKE GOES ON AND ON AND FUCKING ON....

They are all love songs. HE'S SO ATTUNED TO SINGING THE FUCKING WORDS THAT HIGHLIGHT ACROSS THE UNFOLDING SUN SETTING LOVE STORY BETWEEN TWO HORRIBLE ACTORS AND SCREECHING TO HIT THAT GODDAMN BLOODY HIGH NOTE and he doesn't see how these songs pain his daughter and her aching heart...

OH MY DEAR GOD!!!!! NOT FUCKING "BORN FREE" AGAIN>>>>

The phone just rang.

I yell out: "PHONE'S RINGING!!!!!!"
My father holds onto his GODDAMN MICROPHONE AND THE GOD BLOODY DAMN KARAOKE MUSIC PLAYS FUCKIN ON as he answers the phone.
I pray. Hard.
My prayer goes unanswered.

If I can hear and decipher what my Dad is saying...
I think he was welcoming some friends over....
Probably to sing karaoke...
I pray again.
Let me die. please...

.:] Last Testament [:.

ok. if you haven't read it already read this swingdoc LJ, then do it. If not now, then ASAP. Listen. I dont' want to hear from her or from any other doctor about how you mighta survived if you had your seat belt on. Just today on the eL I'd overhead a woman say: " yeah, that was an incredibly stupid way to die...no offense... I miss him but that was stupid."

It reminds me of a post in Trap's blog. Its in relation to the police struggle in OH that ended in a man's death. Tragic really, but along the same lines...

goukicynch: dude If I gain 150 pounds, take crack, and get myself killed attacking cops outside a fast food restuarant, don't have a candle light vigil for me... tell everyone I was a dumbass..
tmarkelz: will do

yeah. if I die in an incredibly, embrassingly stupid manner, feel free to have a good giggle over pints of Guinness in my honour.

.:]home sorta[:.

Running to stand still since I landed. Dreamin' California style while waiting in the rain. All the same its the time before getting home before actually landing on the ground. That's where I'm at peace. Not trying to settle in. Not itching to fly away. Just happy to be moving.

Liz Phair - Stratford-On-Guy

I was flying into Chicago at night
Watching the lake turn the sky into blue-green smoke
The sun was setting to the left of the plane
And the cabin was filled with an unearthly glow
In 27-D, I was behind the wing
Watching landscape roll out like credits on a screen

The earth looked like it was lit from within
Like a poorly assembled electrical ball
As we moved out of the farmlands into the grid
The plan of a city was all that you saw
And all of these people sitting totally still
As the ground raced beneath them, thirty-thousand feet down

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

And I was pretending that I was in a Galaxie 500 video
The stewardess came back and checked on my drink
In the last strings of sunlight, a Brigitte Bardot
As I had on my headphones
Along with those eyes that you get
When your circumstance is movie-size

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

It took an hour, maybe a day
But once I really listened the noise just fell away
But once I really listened the noise just fell away

.:] str8 out of LBC [:.

here's the update: I'm getting married and living in California. I'm swimming every morning. I'm having the best seafood I've ever had . I'm laughing my ass off with the cousins and hedds and nana. I'[m not using the cold weather as an excuse to hide.

Not all at once and not anytime soon... but it'll happen. I'm recharged. Whenever I do finally decide to come back to Chicago - I'm kickin' ass!

.:] Happy Holidays? [:.

One of several reasons why I'm going to spend Turkey Day with Anne-girl and her CRAZY aunts.

.:] Teacups [:.

Shards of porcelain
once held for me relief
and tension
of calm serenity

Endless moonless midnight
skies of open-eyed slumber
Afternoons of conversation and laughter
warming and endearing recollections
Evenings of intimacies and dark secrets
of life and the dreams it holds
Sunrising mornings of shared
quilted security with Sunday funnies

In my hands, I now hold
this teacup, a key away
from this life
A key to open the door
A key to the blood in my veins
and the lane to the dead.
Turn of the key, twisting quickly
silently
pouring
into a broken cup that can't
seem to hold much of anything anymore

.:] shake, shake [:.

you hear that? ...fruit drops...

I forget how happy it makes me. To get me out of the cold and from cussing at the top of my lungs, Anne-girl and I went into the J Toguri store on Belmont. I'd just twisted my ankle (again) and I was pissed and cranky. Well, then I find my hard candies in a tin and shake it and all is well. Just like lil Setsuko in Grave of the Fireflies.

AND I'd finally found something to wear to the church on Saturday....

.:] Gettin Ma Fizz On, Yo [:.

I'd so post these ideas on WH if it were friggin up. I can't complain I know this down means that the new version will be up!

Anyhoo.. amazing dancing at Fizz last night... parade performance went well... so many of old school kids were out... so much hugging, just what I needed.... and the newbies too!

My dancing is so mediocre right now. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Funny its one of the few things in my life that I have patience for. I know its a cycle. I'll feel better with my ankle and my dancing and I'll start taking more risks again. I should apply that somewhere else...

I knew it was a little off when I danced with a couple of dancers that I could call my touchstones if I didn't reserve that title to Bradley. Nonetheless, dancing with Hashish and Backstreet had me realize that I was holding back. Part of it was that I was wary about my ankle. It didn't help that I didn't bring any dance shoes. Hash was throwing out all kinds of cool stuff from SF and I wasn't keeping up at all. Actually the same thing happened with DiscoBallChris. He's surpassed me in skill and I certainly wasn't close to keeping up with him. But then with Backstreet, while it was nice and reminiscent of old times, it lacked the dynamics we would usually have. *sigh* Mebbe dancing in LA, CA will recharge me...

gotta write more about dancing with the newbies and involving more folks in the scene...

.:] On the home front... [:.

Anne-girl is home so we went home. Not home home but home.

She's got this insight that I want to hear. Not like my sisters but pretty damn close. She'd pointed out that there is some advice that you'd only take from certain friends.

An important insight: I make myself at home and get so easily domesticated because I haven't really had a home in years. I've had to make a home where I could. So I still do. Its gotten to the point that I don't even feel uncomfortable staying at a strangers house. I'm so used to living in such different places with different people and families. I don't know where the line is for overstaying my visit. Anne-girl just leaves when she feels uncomfortable. I don't know what home feels like so I don't know/feel other peoples boundries as well. Have I been so used to other people's gracious hospitality that I just assume it and take it for myself? eeewww... am I becoming a Morris brother?

Ok, I think I need to remind a few friends (and y'all read this blog) to call me. First, repeat after me: This is all crap right now but don't let any of it affect your vitality, energy, and sparkle for life! Feel better? no? Then call me. I don't care what time of the day it is. Do it.

.:] home safe [:.

weird.

I get the house to myself for a few days. I get to walk around nekkid. I get to play the music as loud as I like. Sometimes I get to thinking that having my own space will put other things into its place. Not just a place for my journals and suitcases. I gotta wonder. And that's all that I get to do for a little while. I'm not moving anytime soon. So I'm enjoying myself now writing a blog in the buff and blasting Liz Phair.... I'm so kidding. Its Poi Dog...

Poi Dog Pondering - That's the Way Love Is

Oh, Oh, Oh, hey, hey
Two people, make a vow to stay together,
and live and love each other forever.
They both promise to love a lifetime --
funny thing when they both change their minds.

They both go their separate ways.
Love is just a memory.
But, young hearts never stay sad long.
Another love soon comes along.

That's the way love is.

Two people, don't get along.
Deep down in, they both have feelings very strong.
They try hard to conceal it.
Their hearts burn because they both know they can feel it.

Love is leaving -- without reason.
Feelings change just like seasons.
And no, nothing's the same.
There's no use in pretending I can hide the pain, no.

That's the way love is.

Sometimes it's so unfair,
When the feeling's no longer there.
That's the way love is.
Sometimes it's gratifying.
Love's feeling -- ain't no denying.
But that's the way love is.

That's the way love is.

.:] Old Love Songs [:.

A long long while ago down in Champaign... I used to own a few Big Head Todd CDs. One, because I dig the music and two, because hello! popular music headed up by Asian man?!? I heard this old song on 101.9 The Mix...

Two interesting coincidences with previous sentence. One- ran into Li-Young Lee ( third poem-The Gift, is my favorite) on Friday while I sat and wrote in Bittersweet (title of Big Head song, too). Two - re-read journals that ran the length of my stay in Champaign. Interesting how things never change but that sometimes they do.

I'd studied in one of my various religion classes (read: I ferget which pacific religon) that our lives are cyclical. We re-live a pattern in our lives until we learn from it. Only then can we move onto the next lesson/pattern/life. I'm not sure if I mentioned before that I tend to be a slow learner IF it entirely new to me. If I am able to make reference to something else, then that's how I learn faster. I'd found a pattern where I'd refuse to compare one boyfriend to another. A brand new slate. I'd shake the Etch-a-Sketch and start a new relationship BUT without really examining what went wrong with the previous relationship. By giving this NEW guy a fresh chance, I cheated myself of really seeing the pattern. yeah, you'd think I'd learn by now...

Big Head Todd and the Monsters - Please Don't Tell Her

I always leave her waiting
I always leave her down
If she should come my way
I always turn around,
Please don't tell her I love her.
I always keep her out
I never let her in
If she should come my way weeping
I greet her with a gin
Please don't tell her I love her.
If she should discover the colors of my love,
She will fly, fly away
Now you can try tenderness,
You can try to hang around,
Oh, but I'm sure she'll love you less,
I'm sure she'll bring you down.
Please don't tell her I love her

.:] Good Day [:.

Its going to be a hell of a great day to day I can feel it. My sister is town. I'll get to see Nana and Eric. I've plans for dinner with Ddub.

Not to disappoint the depression watchers, I had a hell of a time getting out of bed this morning. I seriously think I broke a personal best record of time spent in bed without sex. But again when you least expect it, just got up started doing the wake up routine and got inspired to call a friend to do some yoga this morning. And then what do I FINALLY find in my Inbox? A note from Dr. C! Things are finally going to get rolling, kids.. and out the door I go.

Send out the good vibes, folks, I'm hoping to get an appointment with Micheal to get ma new Rock Star Modified Mohawk.

.:] WARNING.... [:.

...this is going to be one phatty phat blog. I've a lot of little things running in my head and let's see if I might be able to link them all together. Y'know Tess logic.

Firstly, Liz show. Expect ALOT of Liz lyrics in the next few entries. I'd forgotten that I used to listen to Liz back in the day on XRT. MK just kinda reminded me how universal she is. Shite I should dig back to a lot of old WXRT stuff. I don't listen to the radio that much anymore anyways.

MK has said that enjoying a concert can depend on who ya go with. Yes, much like a road trip, company is key. MK was a given, duh. But Frodo.. That was gravy of the Steak and Shake variety. He scarfed down TWO doubles like I've never seen a man eat. It was weird. He was a wacky DJ too. I'm glad that I was navigator or he woulda drove me up the wall. He was one of those play this track, ok, play this, track , ok, now play this CD ADD types. GBE for introducing Liz to Kitty-girl.

So Pops gets married this weekend. Hedds is coming into town. After much discussion, I'd decided to suck it up and go to the wedding. I've been so caught up with how much this is all affecting me when, to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. I've jumped on anger and outrage cause, let's be honest folks, I'm good at doing anger and outrage. Its not really how I feel. Its mostly fear and bewilderment. I knew it was coming. Just not this soon. So I'm going to put on my happy-for-you game face on for the wedding. Let's err on the side of mebbe I really want my Pops to be happy because he deserves to be happy like all of us do. So does Aida, his future wife.

So that being said, there is great irony in choosing these lyrics. However, I like 'em and it relates to this concert story:

MK, Frodo, and I were surrounded by the wackiest group of people. Enough wacky people that I will save their stories for another blog. To MK right, there was a middle-aged woman with dark wavy hair and a tailored leather jacket. What I love about Liz fans is that they interact with her like they are great friends. I felt like me at a Beeyatchski show. And this woman was all eye contact with Liz and rocking out. Then this song came on and she flipped out like I guess anyone would do when a band played your favorite song live.

The difference is this: She started to mime out the lyrics. Sewiously. Remember Prince's "I Would Die 4 You" and the hand movements that went along with it ? Then bloody rent it, cause its worth it to *know* this analogy. For example, every "box" mentioned in the song warrant a "square" motion, then "bury" involved pointing to the ground with great force. Now that seems logical but for other parts of the song she mimed almost nonsensical stuff with great passion and drama. I thought I was witnessing a "Children of a Lesser God" moment. This song will never be as depressing as I thought it was b/c I will laugh ma ASS OFF thinking of this woman and the look on MK's face.

Liz Phair - Divorce Song

And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night
And we been driving since noon
But if I'd known
How that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed
For the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it's harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn't try to mix the two
Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And its true that I stole your lighter
And its also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you'd known
How that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground Burned it up and thrown it away

You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then you told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up

But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright

And the license said
You had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face I guess I already am

But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright

.:] I'm not close to as cool as I think I am [:.

take this quiz.

The stupid thing was i could hear the songs in my head but I couldn't get the lyrics right. And who ever wrote this quiz up is hilarious... Go ahead and get the answers wrong its like playing " You Don't Know Jack."

Blame, Mugsy.

.:] Allowed [:.

You'd think that after a KICKARSE show with Liz Phair, I'd be posting lyrics up and down.. but not today.

I woke up this morning with an announcement from my father. (we don't speak anymore, we announce: I'm going out. I'll be home tomorrow.) My granduncle in Cali had died early this morning. I wasn't very close to him. I grew up with him briefly while we lived in California while my Dad was in the Navy. Hedds was very close to him since she'd moved there more than two years ago. She often tells me what a "normal" family life they have out there. So I know, it was tough decision for her to decide to still come home this weekend.

Silly me, I'd panicked at the thought of her not being here. I wasn't sure if I could make it through the weekend much less make it to my father's wedding. I've been talking to her or IMing her everyday. So I was watching my YIM list, looking for her, knowing full well she's busy. And then just wanting talk to someone, anyone but knowing that I can't just spew this on people, I just sat there.

As in most times, those rare moments I bother to let myself be completely still, I heard music. In my head. It wasn't very clear at all. I strained to hear "harder" like looking father out ahead of you on the road to read a sign. Then it came up to me closer and closer like driving up to find the highway you were looking for. And I heard, "...miss you." I'd finally realized that I had MK's song "Allowed" in my head. How comforting is that?

Kitty Mortland - Allowed

You're walking down the street with your guitar and
Your ass-kicking shoes
Working on a song about a girl who
Gave you the blues
You think it's all behind you now but you
Change the names
It ends with you falling in love again
Does it feel the same?

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?

Your footsteps take you past my door and you
Stop a while
You read my name on the bell and it
Makes you smile
You think for a moment, "What if I
Rang her up?
I was going to get some coffee, would you
Like a cup?"

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?

The time that we spent together was not near enough
The paths of our lives were meant to just barely touch
You gave me more of everything than I think you know
And all there is left to say is I miss you so

I watch you through the window as you
Hesitate
My heart starts to race. I think, "What if
It's not too late?"
Your senses kick back in and you
Walk on by
You're feeling too good today to
See me cry

Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to wish that I was there?
Am I allowed to cry my eyes out over you?
Am I allowed to tell you that I care?
Am I allowed to tell you that I miss you?
Am I allowed to say I miss your face?
Am I allowed to see you at night when I dream?
Am I allowed one last embrace?
Am I allowed...?

.:] Church Shopping [:.

So for awhile now I've wanted to check out other faiths and places of worship. Well, this Sunday morning I decided to revisit my own. I chose a Catholic church based on its name. Kinda like picking a bottle of wine based on the look of its label. I went to St. Teresa of Avila. St. Teresa, my saint. Well, actually there are two St. Teresa's but I chose Teresa of Avila as my own. I love her story but mostly because of the sculpture by Bernini. Those Catholics sure knew how to promote their religion via beauty and art.

So per usual, I got to Mass late. I was very late anyways because they had a special Mass which combined their Spanish spoken Mass with the usual noon Mass. Again I'd sat in the pews watching the patrons go and take communion. I stayed after the ceremony and checked out the church and lingered and listened to the priests speak with the church goers. It seemed like a nice community and very culturally diverse.

Ultimately, I have problems with the doctrines coming out of Rome. Yet I know I don't want to continue being a non-practicing Roman Catholic. I like the values and beliefs I'd picked up from the Church and other religions that I've studied. I'd just like to find a community where I get to practice those ideas with others.

Thought: Mebbe this decision to go to church was Catholic guilt for the drunk blogging the night before. *gasp*

.:] LIZ! [:.

Another concert driven roadtrip with MK!!! and Frodo!!! Green Light!!!

Liz Phair - Red Light Fever

I'm wide awake in the dark
Tryin' to figure out where you are
Always goin' nowhere
'Fraid of goin' somewhere
Somewhere's a place in your heart

Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
Drowning the thoughts of you like in the music

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
You can't run it to even her
How you gonna get through the year
You can't

Playin' on the sides of the night
Too many people want too many things
And you want to forget

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
Too scared to commit to even her
How you gonna make it through

You're always listenin'
You're always listenin'
You're always listenin'
To yourself

You're always thinkin'
You're always thinkin'
You knew what everybody else
Should do with their lives

I'm wide awake in the dark
Tryin' to figure out where you are
Always goin' nowhere
'Fraid of goin' somewhere
And somewhere's a place in your heart
Somewhere's a place in your heart

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
You can't run it to even her

Scared the lights will turn green
You'll have to be seen
You'll be like anybody else
Scared the lights will turn red
You're stuck in your head
Too scared to commit to even her
How you gonna get through the year

.:] Le conversare avec ma soeur [:.

ok so its at this part I have to describe the pig we both have drawn on Yahoo's Doodle Pad for IM. Its doodled... how elese to I discribe the mish-mash of colors and lines that we'd created. Me here in Chicago and Hedds out in Cali.... but that its got glasses and lipstick on .. just like how we used to dress up the roasted pig on The Fourth of July...

touchetoday: what?
kunokine6: Vraiment?
touchetoday: oui
kunokine6: Porquoi?
touchetoday: tu a rire ma journal de internet?
kunokine6: Non
touchetoday: parce que qhel question again?
touchetoday: tu should
touchetoday: bits en francais
kunokine6: Je regardez la "blog" demain.
touchetoday: oh.
touchetoday: quand?
kunokine6: Matin
touchetoday: 9its cool that we are IMing en francias)
kunokine6: Oui, tres bien
touchetoday: tu a lit? correct, non?
touchetoday: bein bein
touchetoday: merde je sious drunk off ma ass
kunokine6: Non, mias je connais.
kunokine6: heheheh
touchetoday: not read but "know"?
kunokine6: lire est "read"
kunokine6: lit est past tense
touchetoday: Comment dit "write"?
kunokine6: connir sp est know
kunokine6: ecrire
kunokine6: ecrit past tense
touchetoday: je va erire en "blog" journal c'est IM
touchetoday: future tense?
kunokine6: Ah, you are going to put our IM in your blog?
touchetoday: OUI!
kunokine6: Ok, but don't let too many people read it...its bad franglais.
kunokine6: how will you get the pig on?
touchetoday: WaY!
touchetoday: non.. non pork kay
touchetoday: un section avec franciase
touchetoday: comment dit "conversaion in french avec ma soer?"
touchetoday: er souer
touchetoday: er seuor
kunokine6: Don't leave out the pig though
touchetoday: non ma soeur
touchetoday: i can't host pictres
touchetoday: comment dit?
kunokine6: describe it then
touchetoday: en francais?
kunokine6: non
kunokine6: en englais
touchetoday: ok ok ok ok ok
kunokine6: So are you going to pass out. I think I am.
touchetoday: how do I speel sour?
touchetoday: er sister en francias?

We's S-M-R-T...

.:] sniff, sniff [:.

You smell that? Its Devon's virility.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG GUY!!!

and I've never wanted to have stuff so much after being in Eb's place. BEE-YOO-TI-FUL!!

.:] god bless 'em [:.

The can finally dance.

Wheaton College has finally lifted a ban on dancing on campus imposed since the FREAKING Civil War. That's through the Swing Era through Elvis and even Disco (remember Dizzy?). Man they even missed out on house parties.

Quote: Under the new set of rules, called the Community Covenant, students may dance, but should avoid behavior "which may be immodest, sinfully erotic or harmfully violent." Dude, I would so be in trouble... just within the dance itself. I don't think I could do it. I'd be crazed. I guess I wouldn't have known how important swing dancing is in my life. Perhaps I'd find another creative outlet somewhere else. Its disappointing to think how many people have missed out on the fun of dancing. Just because a group of people believed they were doing their fellow Christians a favor?

Makes me think of how I'd felt denied of what I enjoy, not because of a covenant, but because it wasn't accepted. Amazing how you're life is formed from a few disapproving looks. Or little comments. "You don't make alot of money being an artist, do you?" I remember being a conversation killer when I would tell my mother's friends that I was studying theatre. ok not entirely true. I'd get some comment about becoming a movie star. You wanna see a movie of this part of my life? Check out Double Happiness...

That might be a big reason why I don't bother trying to go to Filipino parties. What do I have to talk about? No I never did graduate from Loyola. Well, I'm still working on massage therapy. I feel like I know the first thing they think of is "masseuse." The "love you long time" kind. Not the "let me help you heal yourself" kind. Married? NO. and then it will pretty much ends there except to say that I look like I gained weight from the last time they saw me. *sigh* God bless 'em anyways...

.:] francophile [:.

oui! il a commence ce matin...

As I sat at Argo Tea on Armitage. Ispied on a duo speaking French. As I sat doing my sewing (who else does sewing in a tea shop?), I listened and caught phrases here and there. It just piqued my interest in learning French again. And then what comes up on the Argo soundtrack?

Thank Heaven for Little Girls - Maurice Chevalier

Thank heaven for little girls
For little girls get bigger every day!
Thank heaven for little girls
They grow up in the most delightful way!

Those little eyes
So helpless and appealing
One day will flash
And send you crashin' thru the ceilin'

Thank heaven for little girls
Thank heaven for them all,
No matter where no matter who
For without them, what would little boys do?

Thank heaven...
Thank heaven...
Thank heaven for little girls!

So eventually in the day I continue to do my sewing. But instead of putting on some music, I do what Eddie used to do. Put on a movie and just listen to it from another room. Le film du choix French Kiss! Gorgeous soundtrack Beautiful South covers "Dream a Little Dream" en francais. And Kevin Klein sings in French during the end credits...

Get to Parade practice and Tom Walsh is grinning b/c he has put on a CD. I almost instantly ask who it is b/c it is an AMAZING version of Van Morrison's Moondance. Its Micheal Buble and TOM WALSH has me swooning by going on about his French accent and his fantastic show at the Black Orchid. Then we dance to the next song and I'm inspired...one of the best dances I've had in long time. I so need a copy of that CD - one of the few CDs I would seek out for my miniscule Swing music collection. ~ c'est fin!

Au revoir et bonne nuit!

.:] my 'hood [:.

Lemme tell ya, my guest from SF's eyes got real wide when Nana asked: So are you guys staying in the 'hood?

and so yeah, I had to be upfront. Yeah, we were stayin' in da hood. In fact there are a few cop cars down my street in my 'hood right now. Probably "investigating" the the guy yelling at the top of his lungs in what I assume is English but not very understandable - prolly b/c I'm making sure i'm in front of the computer away from the windows. (there's a pun in there - did you find it?)

I've also noticed an increase of spraypainted insignia. I can only assume this was for my guests benefit or else I just never noticed it so much before. I'm suspecting that I'm in a People gang area - this is what I've deciphered from off of my neighbor's garage.

I think it remarkable that everytime illegal drugs were easily accesible to me I was just never really interested in partaking. Shite, my uncle who used to live in this very house, used to tell me ALL the time: "If you or your friends need 'things' for your parties, you let me know. I know who to talk to." I'd always just had him buy my beer... Silly me. Well, if anyone needs "things" for their parties head over to my 'hood.

.:] recent junk [:.

Its been while since I'd shared my stuffs with Kam and all so here ya go... Sagar - you see song? lemme know...

From the Chinky Journal and the Black Spiral Sketch book - various dates within the last year:

His Town

A man walks into this city
& watches the flow & go
of the tracks and paths and roads.
He finds the intricacies of the
underpass of a highway.

How can this hold everyone? Every One
and their ongoing back & forth
come & go?

Yet another bus
crescendo passes decrescendo
with massive engine and mass of people.

Where did they come from?
Where are they going?

He walks in this city
crossing the street
challenging despite the traffic
mid city block
overcome
he's hero
He sits on a park bench
& decides to stay.

untitled

we've a world of own
within our gaze
our eyes see beyond
this bedroom and dream
a future into reality
between the two
of us
we fit into each other's world

cling.

Cling.
don't want to just cling
and hold on
waiting for what life will bring
and hoping
kneel and pray for everything
will turn
out right
dont you see
its gotta be
solid for me
need to stop going around
finally settle down
boundary bound

Cling.
and you
will you stay
hold on
fling
fly away
bring
me down
hold me up
or hold me down
then throw me away

.:] new mantra [:.

From dearest cousine Kam:

"It's all crap right now but don't allow any of this to affect your vitality, your energy and sparkle for life..."

Makes me want to have a whiskey in honour of her incredible way of making me feel better from all the way over from across the pond.

Oh yeah... the ACTUAL poem that I'd read for Kam and AJ was *this* one:

I do
thank you
my partner in this

you move me
in the slightest touch
no words for the glimpse of a smile
no sounds but song
in the depths of our hearts

You take me
and make me beautiful
better than I believed that I ever could be

gliding
floating nothing of this earth
swaying
sharing all that we are

Now speak to me, I'll listen to you & the music & our dance

.:] Yummy goodness [:.

So as I'd mentioned I had incredible luck thanks to metromix.

Firstly, since there is no way I'm going to cook in my Pops' place, I knew I had to find a place to break fast. Then I discovered my guest from Cali had a great appreciation of food AND COFFEE!! Well, I always passed by Riverside Deli as I rode the Armitage bus into the city from the 'hood. So we took a go at it. Good bless adventurous friends! Its a quaint tiny little place (or so I'd thought) that served great coffee and left a big carafe for the both of us. Wonderful breakfast special that included plantains for Alexis and an Italian fritata for me. As we finished up, the manager invited us to take a look around the entire restaurant. There were three more additional rooms! Beautiful and interesting antiques and prints throughout the back rooms. She showed us where they have a fantastic Sunday brunch. Since it was pretty cold out, we didn't venture out to their garden area.

The next morning, our ongoing hunt for great coffee brought us to Bittersweet on Belmont. Beautiful cafe that unfortunately was packed when we arrived but worth the short wait to sit and have a soup and sandwich - Mmm.. Potato artichoke soup and a lovely salami concoction. I had an Illy coffee and Alexis slurped down so carefully and completely the Bittersweet Hot Chocolate. Its a hot cocoa served in a beautiful white bowl with nummy orange flavors. Then we treated ourselves to cute lil desserts. I'd had the Creme Brulee (!!!) and I think A. had the Almond Something with Blueberries. All too pretty to eat but we did anyways... yeah.... until the Pops wedding announcement I was think *this* is the place I'm getting the wedding cake from.... now I don't wanna get married and I wanna scarf down a phatty triple pack of Hostess cupcakes... makes sense - Bittersweet.

ah well.. for another adventure, Ddub and I are meeting a couple from his neighborhood for sushi!! We're going to check out Oysy. Let you guys know what's the deal tomorrow...

.:] Open Letter [:.

Another letter I'd written that I'd never sent - Date doesn't matter and I think this letter was applicable to alot of people...

To Whom This Concerns -

After our talk last night, I'd remembered another talk we'd had late one night. You'd asked me if - sometimes down the line - you'd gotten grossly disfigured in a fire, would I still be with you? I'd said, I don't know, I'd like to think that I was strong enough to be there with you - IF it ever happened.

Well, I wanted to let you know DAMN YOU for giving up on me. I'd gotten depressed and you weren't there for me. And yes it MAY happen again, it MIGHT even be worse. For all your care and concern, FUCK OFF, for being afraid of the future, what might be. And SCREW YOU, for being kind and considerate, by giving me mixed messages, FUCKO. Another FUCK OFF for not giving me the benefit of the doubt, for not knowing I'm more that just this sad disease or that I won't ace it and be the most well-adjusted depressed person, you'd ever known to love you.

-t

All you all smell that? yeah, its bitterness.... but whatever... as backstreet says: "You're a handful, Tess."

.:] worthy of blogging [:.

I'd blog about the WCLX5 weekend if I actually participated in a bunch of it. But I was a butt for most of it. Again, I think the best part of an exchange weekend is the hosting/guesting bit.

This year I had the pleasure of hosting Alexis from SF. The entire weekend was filled with rockstar parking and incredible luck with trying out restauraunts and cafes I wanted to try on a whim. Wouldn't you know it, leaving Chicago meant having to take public transportationa and not finding a decent cafe. Alexis - reason # 400something to go dancing in SF. Either that or I have to pay off some university to bring her back into Chicago....

Another great part of the exchagne weekend is meeting up with old friends. SOooo so many.. and I was a butt and didn't spend the time I could've catching up. I was so exhausted (still am). STILL so nice to see folks I hadn't seen in more than a year or so... thanks for the gin, nando...

and now for the best bit - my Pops is getting remarried. I'm not all that thrilled about it. Now I think I understand how my parents just sat and listened to all my crazy plans and stories and just let me do it with disapproving faces. Right now, i'm pretty passive about it.. but last night, when i found out... i was raging pissed. Still not entirely sure why but I do know that I have to get out of this house ASAP. So anyone out there know of a nice super cheep studio/room/frathouse rental, lemme know...

.:] Real World entry [:.

touchetoday (10:06:45 AM): well?
gatorswings (10:07:05 AM): that's what you get water out of
gatorswings (10:07:08 AM): at least in Illinois
touchetoday (10:07:16 AM): Oooo...
gatorswings (10:07:22 AM): in NY it's usually bottled
touchetoday (10:07:24 AM): speaking of which when are you getting here?
touchetoday (10:07:33 AM): I think its called gin in that area?

and with that... gator arrives with a bottle of Tanquery NY water for me. Rock Star.

.:] PSA yo [:.

This is for your own good, folks...

The Fabulous Tom Beeyachski Band will be playing on Friday, Nov 14. For five dollars, you can enjoy the mellow tones of the greatest band in the world (oh wait, that's Tenacious D). Okay, how about "an adequate rock band that does fun covers plus also songs that will crack your shit up"?

Friday - Nov 14th, 10:00 PM - 2AM
Jefferson Tap
325 N. Jefferson St. (West Loop - Near Jefferson and Fulton)

The bar has free parking in a lot two blocks south!
Call them for details.

Tons of great entertainment for only $5 bucks!!!
** text off of mugsy's blog...

.:] tired. [:.

I'm exhausted and a little wasted and just a little bit bloated from Micky D's and root beer. Even after a series of answered emails I felt like perusing some blogs....

My tired is entirely different from other people's tired. Earlier today, I know my tired was a depressed tired. I was so emotionally drained. And then I spent the evening with Ddub and his HILARIOUS friends in Oak Park. SO then my tired included vodka and hearty laughter. But then I read swingdoc's most recent entry. Her tired. Now that's gots to be some amazing stuff. Really, if you read her earlier entries you get a better idea. But for her to still make a point of wanting to be right there with her husband after having such an eventful day. Made me think of this song. (Saw a show with the Foo Fighters recently where Dave Grohl dedicated this to his "lady". that's another great example of a fantastic relationship.)

Foo Fighters - Tired

I can be your liar
I can be your bearer of bad news
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Burning like a flame inside of you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired

Hanging on this wire
Waiting for the day where I'll have to choose
Cursed by love so dire
One more boy for hire
One more boy to lend a hand to you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired of you

I can be your liar
I can be your bearer of bad news
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Burning like a flame inside of you
Is this just desire or the truth

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use

I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired
I won't go getting tired of you
I won't go getting tired of you
I'm not getting tired of you

.:] fakesters and flawlessness [:.

Yeah, I'm listening to this song again... The John Mayer song that MK sent me the lyrics. So many thoughts... Firstly, fakesters for me. I've no patience for it. I don't have time anymore for people that try to impress me. I don't like dealing with the pretense anymore. Don't get me wrong I can bullshit with the best of them. However, if has to do with where I want to dedicate my time with another person, I won't put up with fluff and insincerity. Apparently, its the straight-out morons I need protection from.

Perfect people scare me. More specifically they creep me out. Seriously, once I start to think: "he's too good" or "she's too perfect", I have to wonder what they are hiding. What's buried in the basement? That can't be true... And I'll never be comfortable with that person. Perfect people *shudder* I much prefer human beings...

.:] Comfortable [:.

MK just sent me these lyrics. She thought it would be a nice addition to my blog. And she's right.

I think I might have finally come to a certain realization that my life doesn't have to be so damn complex. There doesn't have to be outrageous drama. I don't have to get my feelings hurt. I don't need to get so bent out of shape over things. Do what makes you happy, comfortable.

Its too bad that the lyrics are so tragic. But I am a sucker for that stuff....

John Mayer - Comfortable

I just remembered that time at the market
You snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down
Aisle five
You looked behind you and smiled back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us
If we could leave

Can't remember
What went wrong last September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me
If you had to

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say, "She's gonna be good for
you."
They throw me
High fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was
So dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she's arty
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
Poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I love you
Grey sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back

.:] Off of Guest Checks 821-5 [:.

No date but has to be the last week of 2001

So much to write about & I don't even have my journal with me. Two things I definitely have to write about before I go to work @ Leona's tonight.

First, last night I had a serious problem saying good night to TK. Maybe it was b/c I had made the horrible assumption that I would be sleeping over last night. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't drive into Chicago all the time - if he wouldn't make the effort to see me? Why doesn't he make the effort to try to see me when he can?

Why was I so so blue yesterday? Maybe b/c I was all tired & cranky yesterday. maybe b/c I feel like he doesn't care for me like I care for him? I just don't feel the reassurance of his love for me. and its not like it takes a lot. I'm not all encompassing of his attentions. I'm not demanding he make time for me from work and give it to me. But I feel like I make all the phone calls. I send all the emails. I don't ask for presents, demand gifts. All he had to do was leave me a voice mail or an email. He did that on those few days before we got back together. I guess I was expecting that . Why didn't he ever call me and check on me? I'd always called him then too? sigh. I suppose I could talk to him about it tonight.

.:] kitties! [:.

First of all I have to say I'm a lil dissed appointed that Rocco's lil kitties don't get to stay with me. However, they have a wonderful home over at Ddub's. I'm quite sure they are going to get spoilt rotten. So this is only another great motivator for me to move out and get my own place. I want my kitties with ME.

I feel a bit guilty. I haven't seen my darling Dulce in more than a year now. To be fair, she's not mine but Bluebird's now. Nonetheless, I'm feeling like a deadbeat dad er something.

So now about the cats. Firstly, their names... Jewel and Samantha. Jewel, the baby girl, a grey tabby is sister to ex-J's cat, Akiko. Jewel is most definitely the bigger of the two and a bit more neurotic. We were a little worried that she wouldn't adjust all that well but she seems to be doing very well so far. She certainly is demanding of your attention like a dog putting its snout under your head demanding a petting. Samantha, the mom to the lovely tabbies is very affectionate as well. More matter of fact than demanding - she very simply will make a place for herself in your lap and then wait for your attention. And it will come... She's no doubt of it. And here's some pictures!

.:] argh [:.

Don't you just hate it when you're by the el passing out flyers and a big ole' pick-up truck comes by and fuckin' splashes you from head to toe in nasty ass rainwater that previously was just a pool of potential sewage on the street just a second ago?

.:] no doubt [:.

Doubt sucks.. No Doubt rocks. Hard.

No Doubt - Start The Fire

C'mon baby get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

The army of words is in me
Silent the soldier weeps
Lying here back to back
Waiting for you to be react

Sometimes all i need is a good push
Roll over and whisper some goodness
Go on baby you be the hero
Now can we go back to zero

Go on and get the lighter
We're gonna need some fire
Let's get a little higher
The battlefield is tired
And why all that?
Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

Just come here and cuddle up
I feel a little rough
I missed you in my sleep
Are you still mad at me?

The moon must have mended my bad mood
Come kiss me the way you're meant to
Last night i was just playing
Let's put it all away and

Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire
Go on baby and get the lighter
We're gonna start the fire

Climb in, love with me
Climb in and love me
Go on now baby you get it

Had quite a heavy night
So girl look it all up and bright
The most stubborn girl around
You really know how to bring me down
One more famous night to remember
Let's laugh at my silly temper
Now let's spend the morning sweetly
Get over here and complete me

Go on now baby you get it

.:] Halloween RULES!!! [:.

Sewiously. Are you sewious?

Yes I am.. I think that since we no longer have the kick arse Fourth of July event in DG that Halloween just may be my NEW fave holiday. Funny how things change... Tat any rate... Yeah I don't care to much for Christmas cause again despite all the festivities and gifts etc. I don't like the hyped up drama. As if finding a costume isn't drama enough.

Par example, finding a costume for Ddub's friends' partay... ugh.. I was bitching and moaning till we finally figured out something.. fate based on Botan Rice Candy.. and *that* idea fell through for me. I got all cranky and pissy again but then I gots an idea... So what I did was picked up a kimono at Ragstock, stuck some postage stamps on me forehead, and wrote: "Airmail" and "First Class" on my face. First one to get that one gets to name ma first born! It was a hit! whoo- friggin who!

However this year's Halloween was easy peasy lemon squeezy. I gots ta be part of a faboo group costume! I was So-and-so from Teen Girl Squad on Homestar. It twas awesome.. well despite the fact that the Cheerleader didn't show up...ah well.. i just hope she's ok. I know she just got back from Allemande with prize money! Go Cheerleader!!!

Ok... So if Halloween is my new fave holiday, when do the Morris brothers come and barge in on the fun? Sewiously, holidays are not as much fun w/o ma honorary annoying brothers...

.:] Shivers [:.

Can someone - ANYone help me find a copy of this song? Actually, if anyone knows how I can get my mitts on a "Dogs In Space" Soundtrack, I'll so totally invite you to my next birthday party...

Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - Shivers

I've been contemplating suicide,
But it really doesn't suit my style,
So i think i'll just act bored instead
Who can take (alt: and contain) the blood i would've shed?

She makes me feel so ugly (alt: so weary) (alt: so ill at ease)
My heart is really on it's knees
But i keep a poker face so well
That even mother couldn't tell

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a permanent shiver down my
Spine

I keep her photograph against my heart
For in my life she plays a starring part
All alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regrets

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a permanent shiver down my
Spine

She makes me feel so ugly
My heart is really on it's knees
But i keep a poker face so well
That even mother couldn't tell

But my baby's so vain
She is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name
Sends a perennial shiver down my
Spiii-yi-yiiii-yi-yiiii-yi-yiyiyi-ine

.:] Weddings [:.

So my cousin Jay calls me last night!! Yay!! I get to make another contribution to another cousins wedding... He and Riza asked me and Nana to do a reading at their wedding ceremony... Coincidence that I'd found the poem I'd read at Kam's Reception?

I do
thank you
my partner in this

you move me
in the slightest touch
no words for the glimpse of a smile
no sounds but song
in the depths of our hearts

You take me
and make me beautiful
better than I believed that I ever could be

Now speak to me, I'll listen to you & the music & our dance

Hehe... I wonder if I ever told it was actually a poem about dancing with Johnny Lloyd

.:] From the Oscar Wilde Journal [:.

No date- b/t 9/11 and 9/15

I can't believe this whole time these two days that I been here I hadn't written extensively on the hijacked planes and the subsequent crashes in to he twin towers of the World Trade Center in NYC, the Pentagon in Washington, and Western PA. All passengers and crew were killed and death in the thousands from the falling of the twin towers...

Death in the thousands
they say
yet
each they died alone
each as the time they were born
whether in fear or with brave face
they each faced death
outright and on their own
they died in the the thousands
I'm told
and each one they died alone
I cry and I will cry
and weep on and on and on
For what else from me can be done?

Today together we'll mourn the thousands
each day we'll mourn alone.
we try and try to make sense
of the lives extinguished and gone
from a world that seemed so right
gone wrong
we'll still find life in dance and song
For we'll live together all our lives
and fear not death alone.

and so now here I am two days in the Heathrow airport... weeping on occasion ... afraid to read the papers and look @ the pictures... somehow its milder to read the updated news on the CNN webpage or perhaps to hear what's going on from the various emails that I'm getting from home. This whole while TK has been my rock. I'm incredible lucky and after recent events I don't ever want to take anything for granted ever again.

Chicago she'd repeated. and then there was a pause I wonder if the other Americans experienced the moment of silence when the confessed their city. Los Angeles. Denver. New York. New York I think would be the hardest. It would be the most painful silence to endure.

I'd finally gotten a shower and been awakened by and Indian fairy godmother. "Would you like to take a shower, love?", she'd said in a graceful British accent. Yes, I felt like a drudgery Cinderella who finally hit the big times...

.:] venom [:.

Just recently my poor sister has had her ego ripped to shreds. "How do you handle it after someone has been to so mean to you?," she asked me.

My answer is this. After 20 plus years of folks second guessing you and insulting your intelligence in underhanded ways, you end up getting paranoid and have a nervous breakdown. Then ya get on meds, go through some therapy, and find out some truths about yourself. Finally you decide what is going to be your own truth. If the person who has hurt you, spews venom on you. Know what is true or not.

A good friend may criticize but what's the point of sticking a blade in and twisting? Then comes the hard part...YOU have to decide what you are going to take to heart and what you are going to have to let go. And if its that person... well, off they go....

.:] Sinfest [:.

True dat.

.:] From the Renoir Journal [:.

No date but had to have been in my last few months of high school - Spring 1991

So my mother just dumped all this junk in my room and called it art. I mean literally, a plastic gerbage bag I actually used to pick up junk, she dumped it in my room and no I am not going to sink to that childish behavior my parents who are "adults" (?) use. Though I have this incredibly great urge to wreck my room. Why has this room been such a problem? I don't understand. Fuck off. I can't wait to get out of this house. I don't care to do anything for myself she says. Won't be able to take care of myself she says. So now I have her nagging voice sitting in my head calling me a failure. Does this mean that's what fate is to be?

I actually found this entry last week. And I thought it was kinda funny at the time, like an example of teenage rebellion er how crazy my mom gets. But when I found myself telling Ddub this story, he had this sympathetic look on his face. Only then I realized it was really sad and I couldn't look him in the eye.

I told Hedds this story. She pointed out that it has changed after awhile. They tried to be supportive. To be fair to my parents they tried their best. I mean what do you do with a daughter that you have a hard time relating to?

I think most importantly, after a brief conversation with my mother this morning. I know now when she's being ornery and trying to start to bring me down. And I won't deal with it. I've too many other things to do. Like be a rock star.... do art... write more... and finally watch The Big Lebowski.

.:] up [:.

I'm up and I've no idea what to write about. I do actually have alot to wrote about but I'm on the cusp of crawling back into bed. I'm afraid of actually getting started in on something and then BAM! I'm up and typing and so not sleeping....

-talks with Hedds - like as of an hour ago
-Ddub
-Crunch Bunny!
-Cabrini Connections
-Thanksgiving Day Parade stuffs
-Friggin costume parties...

things to write about LATER...

.:] Ya Can't Just Make Up Stuff This Funny... [:.

Y'all better be there to witness me TAKE OVER the "99" game

Gravy Train Films presents the improv comedy rat-race

Micetro!

Twenty go in ... one comes out.

Saturday November 8

3pm: doors open
4pm: show begins

Beat Kitchen @ 2100 W. Belmont
Cost: Free!

* No-holds-barred short-form improv competition.

* First 20 participants to sign up at 3pm slug it out live on stage, improv-style.

* The audience judges each game by applause, and we cut the wheat from the chaff, till only

ONE REMAINS

Anyone may judge. Anyone may play.

.:] Flakiness [:.

If there was a dandruff formula for people that are flaky, then I would need it. Its not a really bad case where I need to see dermatologist, flaky-ologist, or anything. But I'm flaky enough to be annoying and embarrassing. So more like Head and Shoulders formula opposed to some sort of prescribed formula for flakiness.

And I know that there have some points in my life that my flakiness has been more than annoying. Its been hurtful to me and to others. Right now it pains me cause I know that there are people out there that don't want to deal with me and my flakiness. There are people out there that don't trust me - some with no real good reason. And why should they trust after some of the stories of my flakiness? And then there are others who have been hurt my irresponsibility and flakiness. They know better... And they aren't going to give me another chance to let them down. I don't blame them. At all. There was a point where I tried. I tried so hard earn back that trust with gifts, favors, and more promises. But really how do you take care of a feeling of mistrust? How do you just ignore it? You don't.

But my friends. The ones I've hurt and still come back to me. The ones despite all my flaky flakiness still make plans with me. Want to go on road trips with me. Want to meet me for drinks. Want to plan to go to foreign countries. Wow. Either they're sick masochists or they like me. Me and my flaky goodness.