...lies...

So I lie. I'll be honest about that. I don't necessarily like doing it but why do people do it?... I've heard its a kinda selfish mechanism... is that right?

Ok the only reason I bring this up at this point is that I'm not completely honest and I feel badly about it. I'm not being completely forthright with my friends, my family, and other. Hell, I'm feeling badly about answering, "fine" when i don't really meanit. But really its not to difficult to plaster on a smile and be "fine" in front of the grocery clerk. What of everyone I really do want to talk to but then it gets to the point where I don't want to bother them. I really don't. I don't want to waste their time and mine.

And dear god who is going to listen to me complain about my dad and his karaoke dilly?!?! Its bloody funny as I'm talking about it to other folks but jesus its slowly getting on my nerves. All this hypersensitivity to sound and smell is driving me insane. seriously, folks. i can feel the base coming up off the floorboards. And my dad just accused me of not wanting to hear hear it... well DUH I have bloody earplugs and headphones on....

i gotta get out of here... I so just want to bolt. Old Tessa would have hit the highway by now....

Old Friends Back Again

Not only am I finding folks like cahrazy on friendster... RUSTY called me!!! AND he's moving back to Chicago!! He and Rachel will be looking for a place in the Lakeview area. He's applied to the Chicago Public schools **fingerscrossed**

And then when i hang up with Rusty, I get a message from Veenu. She's going to be going to grad school at UoC! Wow the only two people that I bother keeping in touch with....barely... from high school. i can't wait to meet up with them!

...So hurting...

I have that damn crick in ma neck...

and part of the pain is that I drank waaay too much last night. It all started with great sushi with Mugs, Partytom, and Rox at Sushi Wabi. I was so excited to go if only b/c i'd heard of the place on great recommendation from swingdoc's LJ! mmmm... Godzilla Roll soooo good but soo expensive...I so owe Mugs dinner... Had two Sapporo with dinner.

Finally get to JTap and immediately start drinking with everyone including Shana's friend from CO, Mike {do not forget his name again}. But I'm so inspired from the ALHC 2000 tapes that we had watched before we met up with the boys. Yep I had some spectacular dances despite the amount of alcohol. So Chicago...Drinking and dancing. i may have turned into a lounger in the last few weeks but I think after watching a few hours of dance tapes today I'm back to dancing... ALOT. I'm off the drink!.....atleast while I'm dancing...

...friends know...

an interesting line of email from a friend: "you must stop focusing on yourself and remember that you have the real potential to be a healer of people. They need your services. And this is why you must finish school, and this is what will, in fact, heal you!"

I've really been so wrapped up in me and what I'm getting out being a massage therapist that I've forgotten what it is all about in the big picture. Even when I do get the positive feedback from folks, its all gone to my ego stroking and not so much to realizing that I've actually helped some relieve some pain. Or else, there are the times I get on this self-critical kick and I'm kicking myself b/c I can't remember how to do a certain technique to help someone. I've hated to have to tell someone: "I'll look that up for you and we can work on it next time."

But that is what school is for. Its like what Bob King has told us. School is where we can make our mistakes and learn from them. I could cry I feel like I've disppointed people left and right. But I got to remember: I don't make mistakes, I syncopate.

Ooo.. and another good mantra: Want to be happy, got so little time, every day seems crazy, but every days mine! Good stuff huh? got it from a poet laureate :P

...vocal therapy...

So went out to support MK at JTap last night. I was a butt and didn't come out the might before.. but I am sure glad I came out last night it was a kick ass experience. I had such a great time just watching everyone at first. They were so talented with so many different styles. I was sooo inspired I had to call Sagar. and then I ran upstairs and watched Kitty play. She's got a great new dynamic with one of her originals I really really love. It sounds a lot more well-rounded and she doesn't scrunch up her face like she does when she's concentrating on something.

Anywho, we end up singing this faboo Liz Phair song " Flower". That I swear she had me learn just earlier that afternoon. I downloaded the song and then learned it and then sang it with her! That was soooo much fun especially b/c the lyrics are so naughty: Everytime I see you face, I get all wet between my legs/ Every time you pass me by, I heave a sigh of pain.

Then at some point later the guy running the shin-dig asks me to sing a Norah Jones tune with him and this AMAZING classical guitarist. IT was half ass but I liked it. Kitty did another great set and introduced these guys to the world that is Liz Phair. The guy asked me to sing again and so rocked out "Fly Me To The Moon" cause I can when I have the lyrics in front of me! I'm so going to try to learn the lyrics he had asked me to sing for next week.

In Love

To the folks that know me well, I fall in love any numerous times of the day.

It's not just a person, that I get an instantaneous crush on. Its music. Its artwork. Its my surroundings.

Its hearing someone creating music on a guitar. Its someone mixing amazing songs and sounds on a turntable. Its finding sense and beauty in the angles of a quick tag on the el. Its feeling the sun on my face and smelling the air of a storm while walking briskly down a puddle-riddled sidewalk.

One could say that its a misuse of the word "love." Well, then if someone could tell me what this rush of bliss and happiness just being around that person or thing is...i'll gladly use that word instead. Meanwhile I do enjoy falling in love a couple of times a day. Its a refeshing to that feeling of bitterness and hate; wanting to bash someone's face into a wall.

OOooo...baby, baby

So a friend of mine tells me he lost a staring contest with this baby in a stroller on the el.

Let me tell you from experience folks, you can not win a staring contest with a baby.. fairly.

What I like to do is sure, stare for a long while, just to be sure that I've got the lil guy or girl's attention. Then when I know I got em. i wink. Almost always guaratees a smile. It works for cute boys too. Go figure.

Or I get them to cry. The little ones not the cute boys. Make a funny face er something... that does NOT work on cute boys.

Blossom

.. and I'm not talking about the popular TV show featuring Joey Lawrence..

I'm talking Blossom Dearie.. Downloaded some stuff... AND I borrowed School House Rock from Franker.. and I came to realize the reason why I love Blossom Dearire so much is b/c she reminds me of my childhood. For instance I'm listening to "Unpack Your Adjectives". The entire cartoon is sooo vivid in my mind. And of course who could ever forget her voice. That's it I HAVE to go to New york to see her.

What to say?

i don't know what to say... i'm up and bored.. a poor combination.

I had a nice talk with Hedds today. Its been a long time since we had good talk. It was so hard to tell her how I've been doing this past week but i did feel better afterwards. i have had a bad few months actually and I did really understand that there are alot factors to why I'm reacting the way I am right now.

I'm thinking that I'm reacting to Mom and Dad's divorce only after Dad is seriously dating with this new girlfriend. In fact she's sleeping in front room right now. Otherwise I would be wasting my time watching television. She so in my territory.. and that 's another thing getting used to living in this place.. I still can't bear it when my dad cooks. What I would do for some decent ventilation system... and then the physical and emotional strain of going to the Philippines. blah blah blah. I can't wait till there's a point where my blogs can be funny like the original banana confessions... *sigh*

So much to write about primarily b/c i haven't been communicating like I should. I've been having a few really bad weeks. Not incredible weepy and dramatic. But dibilitating nonetheless. I got to talk to my new therapist Bonnie for a little bit today...

This is going to sound funny... but I am a rockstar. Not like a complete rock-out bling bling rockstar. But the fact of the matter is that I'm a pretty nifty person - I've been told so too. And while my life experiences are not like most people's, I certainly have stories to tell. I think more importantly, I'm not afraid to live life and create ALOT more rockstar stories.

Unless I am being a fuck-up which is what I am too. I'm flaky and mess up stuff. Pretty astoudingly too. I had a friend tell me once that he was surprised I was at the same job for three months in a row. " I was thinking if was about time that you were at a new job, " he said as he was looking at his watch. I've royally screwed up fantastic opportunities like being a dance partner with same friend. I have: "Are you stupid or what?" running in my head. Its not a great sound to have. And dispite hiding from alot of places and people its all still in my head.

*sigh* There's got to middle ground somewheres....

Hitting the road again

I LOVE road trippin... it not the trip itsself usually... I used to love to do the driving part esp. if it was a great car to be driving in.

The best part of the trip is always getting to know the people in the car. I've been really lucky. Most of my trips have been with really cool people. Hell, one of trips ended up starting this up with one of my best boyfriends ever. I don't know what it is in the that one moving space traveling trough time and distance that folks can share themselves so wonderfully and succinctly. OR things are even funnier than they would be anywhere else. OR can be a confessional box on wheels.

One thing expected when traveling with the Road Trip Goddess is good on the road snackies. While there may be chance that there are crunchy, salty, and chocolately goodness, there is also a healthly choice of fresh fruit, vegetables or water. AND good music! AND good choice of navigators!

I cannot stress enough the importance of the wingman/navigator!!! The following are the accepted responsiblities of Navigator when taking "shotgun" - at least when I am driving:

1: This is WAY important: Keep the driver happy. Remember your well-being and the safety and happiness of other in the car are dependant o the driver. Do not taunt or tease the driver. Do not poke or prod the driver. You must please and appease the driver.

2: Now this rule changes alot according to rules in other cars: Navigator is FIRST DJ. IF the navigator feels like giving up the job to the others in the car, so be it. However since the navigator is closest to me, the navigator cannot be switching CDs 3 songs into the CD. Burning CDs or mixed tapes are for that bidness. IF navigator makes that mistake with me, I'm bound to get frustrated and TICKED OFF! ~this is where you refer to rule #1.

3. Be sure that basic needs of the driver are being met. Are they getting enough food and water? be sure to open up all packages for them. Is the temperature ok? Adjust temp and airvents for them. Is the rest of the traveling party entertaining enough? If not, keep the driver entertained. Is the driver awake? Shake them awake but make sure you are still on the road....

4. Be sure you have basic navigating skills. Be able to "step into" the map. Be able to decipher GhettoQuest. And two important things here: first, know when to ask for help and convince the driver to do so. Next, know when to just shut up and let the driver freak out and figure things out his/herself..

ok that's all I can think of right now...

no really I mean it

ok I was thining about what I said at Fizz last night. and I remember saying to ALOT of Fizz folks: YOU HAD TO BE THERE! YOU MISSED IT! WHO SHOULDA BEEN THERE! and yeah I said it just that loud too.

I want to kinda apologize.. I remember what it feels like to kinda miss out on something you really really would've like to have gone to. Hoeever at this point I want to point out the evil folks out there that say those kinds of statements (ie. you really should have gone...) and can deflate the enthusiasm. I so hate those people **evileye**

Please don't think that I'm that person. ever. i really really really wanted you there and having fun with me!!!

... no pain ...no gain

so hurting.. blew out my arms for sure this weekend... more to write about... fill-in later

trip up with anne
meeting new and old folks
massages with lindyhoppers
diversity forum
lingering adolescents
Roxy with a K
loaded at late night
nap time
Lindy battle!!!!
Trip back with franker et al

Posting from Anne-girl's...

Faboo Mac! i love these things. She's currently packing her stuff and talking herself through the process. i'm packed. Still the Road Trip Goddess. I usualy have my toiletries already packed and I have a basic wardrobe that I change pieces as I see fit. I am so hyped for this weekend!!

After seeing, Andrew and Evin's performance on Monday I've been so psyched!! I'm so proud Andrew and Evin are representing Chicago. They rule. Ok time for some meditation or I'm just NOT going to sleep tonight.

gimme some of that p- a- x- i- L

I don't like taking meds. i tend to forgett oo many times anyways...

But I've been getting strange looks and comments from friends when I tell them i'm back on meds. I'm not hard core like Hedds but I don't like the idea of extra chemicals floating around in my body either. I don't ever want to be at the point where I'd have to say: I need my medication to be happy. I'd told Rocco recently if I had the time and money I'd break from school and get though this depression with loads of therapy and lots and lots of bodywork. But I can't do that. Don't have the time or money. So this is what I have to do.

Apparently I can't see any therapists anytime soon either. I'm on the waiting list to get re-interviewed into the Cook County system for another month. (Go ahead and try to find affordable mental health care - even someone to talk to - It took me forever and I have internet!) Meanwhile I've checked and I should have enough meds until then. I've forgotten to take meds so much that I've surplus from the last time I saw my psychiatrist.

I so CANNOT wait to go up to Ultimate this weekend. I can't remember the last time I went on a road trip to a national gig much less a competition! Tis gunna be a helluva lotta fun...

...Don't bother calling...

...yeah, my phone is so not working right now... Rocco! we're in the same boat dude. Hedds, I swear I paid the biill.. then again that was probably covering last month...*sigh*.

...augh!!!!...

lemme tell ya folks.. my day is startin off right!

I went a good half hour over this last massage I gave even after I woke up with my arms burning this morning. I shouldn't even be typing - I should be icing..anywho. I get to realize that I forgot my keys AGAIN. So I call my pops who is busy hanging with his new girlfriend and won't be coming home tonight to be letting me in. *sigh* I'm to tired to even let that bother me. I was just about resigned to go ahead and stay downstairs with my Lola for the night. But I couldn't do it. Its too cramped, the smell of the fried food.. I just couldn't sleep there and I also have a test to review for!

So I got desperate I tried to break into some windows...NO go there... I tried to call for a locksmith but wouldn't you bloody know it - I freakin had my telephone cut off!!!!! So they couldn't call me back and get my address *sigh* Luckily by that point my Lola remembered that she had another set of keys and I should try and see if those worked. ( I asked her about this twenty minutes b4 and she insisted that she didn't have any other keys.) God Bless Her they finally did work and now here I am upstairs STILL in a house I am soooo uncomfortable living in. I am SO ungrateful... don't think I don't know that which makes that a millions times worse, I know. I hate being hypersensitive, why can't I just suck it up?

Dude. If I was living in the Philippines, I would just be so dead right now.

...So I'm looking in the mirror...

I'm realizing that I'm getting old. I'll be turning turning thirty in little under a month. But I don't look anything like I feel. I can't complain. Most folks figure that I'm twenty er so and when I'm particularly silly, even younger. However, I've seen myself for these past twenty-nine years and I can tell I'm getting older. Little wrinkles around my eyes and mouth and I'm sure if my hair wasn't all dyed funky I'd find some strands of white.

Its just that looking in the mirror is such a surprise. You know like that first look you take in the mirror at home after you got your hair cut? You know its you, but you have to take a second look. Like all those times I'd suprised myself looking in and seeing some Asian looking face peering back at me. I felt and acted like most of the suburban kids around me but I was looking WAY different in the mirror.

Maybe its b/c I've been so tired lately. Maybe its b/c my body hasn't been keeping up with me like I want it to. Or maybe I'm not treating my body as well as I should- more likely the answer...

I still feel like a kid. I still feel young. I don't feel thirty. Since I don't know what it means to be thirty, I'm going to be as old as I am.

...I think I found my Floss!

aw yeah, had a great night last night.. after i was a butt and didn't go to the RedBull FluTAG, etc.

FINALY went to see MK in Floss! with Anne-girl... I even got to be on stage! ok well, with peopple leaping over me. great fun, and yeah I would so audition for that show... just the idea of the cultural backround of a completely fictional country... the possibilites are endless.. besides Kitty and Anne said I should.

Then the three of us raced over to Market Days and caught Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Amazing show AMAZING! and then we stuck around to talked to the guys and see if they wanted to go out for drinkies after and so Kitty could get her dollar signed. again.

Then off to Fizz for drink, food, and gossip. Saw Chris for the first time in months.. got himself scraped up good and his bike trashed. Overall a great time had by all. I'm gunna miss Anne-girl when she goes off to school...

Gave my lil sis a massage today. Its been weeks since I actually have seen her in person. Possibly since I last saw her from the Philippines. Poor chica had gone climbing yesterday and her shoulder is all screwy. Good to hear that she doesn't have carpal tunnel syn.

She was disappointed (like I knew she would be) that I had slipped and not called into work etc. She was disappointed that I didn't call her to get me out of my rut. And then she asked, " well, was it b/c you didn't want to get out of your rut?" And I swear if I'd heard it from Hedds. I woulda assumed she thought that I was being lazy or that I want this stuff happening to me. But it was Nana and so yeah I think there was a reason I didn't talk to people. That reason is that I knew what they were going to say and I didn't want to hear about it...and I didn't want to to hear their disappointment.

Got called to do the Iron Maiden Concert. Sounds a little more complex. They wanted Deep Tissue and I can't provide that. My head hunter was saying I have a busy social life. if she only knew....

*sigh* went out to JT last night. and I paid 6 dollars not to even go dancing... lame... Got a lovely sniff of the bartender tho.. made my night....

..boys...

Yay! new blog from dear nathaniel

*sigh* him, and bradley, and then there was hareesh.. all my best lead boys.. leave me... *crynstuff*

*sobsobsobs*blubberblubberblubber*snifsnifsnif*

*throw stuff* ..damn...

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Walk/run a charity marathon
2. Japan
3. Learn Guitar
4. Master Escrima
5. Go Canoeing with Rusty
6. Do a one-woman show
7. Publish poetry
8. Direct a play in the Virginia
9. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
10. France
11. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
12. Be on film
13. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
14. Own a Convertible
15. Be debt-free
16. Paint a mural
17. Do an art show or art fair
18. Cook for an entire dinner party.
19. Write a love letter
20. Live in California
21. Visit New York City (for real)
22. Do film
23. Write a play
24. Own a puppy.
25. Live in an apartment by a river

Banana Monologues

A good title for a one-woman show eh? Annimal's idea. (must remember to post new "25" list)

So yeah, our tidy little conversation has inspired me to certainly journal more but to also look back at my old journals. I'm actually thinkin' that when I do finally upgrade this blogger, I'll just scan those journal pages in. And even all those notes and ideas written and saved on receipts and old menus. This blogger just might kill my desire to be sitting on a pile of my old journals when I'm a littler old woman as Anais Nin had done.

Journal Entry from about a week ago

I'm wondering if I'm not handling school and work right now. So I'm considering dropping one or the other.

As much as I love working at Jamba, the drama there can be distracting and annoying at times. Its getting to the point that the big reason for working there is to be a banana. (For you folks that don'tknow Tessa, she tends to work her ass off doing wacky things for free, but when it comes to a paycheck, she's a butt.) Even if I did quit, I'll still get a decent "income" from massages. (I was offered Whitesnake and John Mayer - both no's b/c of work)

Besides, how can i quit school right now? I'm so close. But then again maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I'm seriously not ready to finish the program. Its not that I"m doing all that badly in school--I'm probably in the upper half of my class. And I have been told that my technique is good from where I am in school. My group of clientle is pretty decent too...

Tnsn n up R trap & supra/infraspin.

ugh... I strained myself a bit with two sessions last night. I could tell near the end my body mechanixs were all wrong. Besides I've been in bad shape since coming back from the Philippines. I should have had a message right when i came back. Well, THAT will be remedied next week when I finally get some money into my account. I can barely wait...

Jebus I almost forgot that I had class tonight. Mebbe I can get someone to release it in class

I take the KMP2 test today to make up for last week. I kinda feel ready, but that feeling has betrayed me in the past. Ah well, if I don't do well, more retakes and testing fees for Tessa.

Such a massage geek last night. I was getting all excited b/c I correctly identified problems in a quadratus lumborum. I nearly did a jig around the table as I was re-positioning myself to get to the problem. And I astounded myself with the information I was spouting out concerning how my clients should take care of themselves, I was always a bit concerned that I would not have a lot to contribute to people after a session but I did good. The criticsm on my perfomance test that I did not communicate looked all wrong yesterday as I worked on a shoulder joint problem. Remember: "Vocalize you assesment."

ya know I'm going to call the clinic and see if they have any openings this morning...

*drool*

i love getting worked on.

I just found out today that I'm getting a pretty penny from the school (finally!). First thing, I'm getting a professional massage esp to fix the problem with my right ankle. It has healed pretty well since my last sprain (yay thermotherapy!) however its been seriously irritating lately. Irritating enough to wake me up in the middle of the night and start icing it.

I didn't do as well as I would have like for the performance exam. I completely forgot the location of one of the muscles I was asked to palpate. Lost points there. But this gives me good reason to have a tutoring session. I think I'll ask one of my instructors that is going to help me with my study anyways. geez there's another place I'll have to spend cash.. stupidfy tutoring sessions.

words when you need 'em

i have to say this cause its a massage day....

Yesterday I was scheduled to work on a cancer patient for my special populations program. Unfortunately I completely didn't bother to call and check if she was still scheduled. But that was ok, cause I wanted to spa a bit and I was meeting my classmate Mena so we could study after her shift.

Well, one of the regular massage therapists, asked if I could work on her instead. I was fine with it and I guess I got to get an hour's credit for the work! But the best part was this: Near the end of our session together, Carolyn says to me, "You can tell. You were supposed to be a massage therapist."

That meant so much to me esp when a few days before I was even thinking of quitting school. (yeah I was THAT depressed). And i told her so right there.

She tells me later that she gave my name to the lady that does the hiring. "The next opening, you have to offer it to Tessa, " she said. That mighta been smoke but it was a nice thing to say and she tipped me real nice too....

**pat on back**

New Leaf?

I've probably a whole tree of new leaves. Makes for a pretty picture i think.

First, I want to remind folks that alcohol is both a depressant and a stimulant. Otherwise I should be in bed right now getting my last hour of sleep in before my LONG day of class...

So it pretty much official folks, I've had another bout of depression. All this "jet lag" of sleeping 10-12 a day and then staying up until 4 or 6 in morning wasn't the only reason why I was missing events and being late for work. I was so exhausted physically and mentally from the trip to the Philippines (probably even well before that) yet still trying to keep up with my regular schedule. Usually when i'm depressed, I don't want to eat a thing but this time was different. Swiss Rolls and Puddin' Cups and Ben and Jerry's....

Right. Well, those were some of the characteristics of my depression. The awful week I had last week (which I will write about later) has all the definate red flags. This morning is another new leaf. I go back to class and face my teachers and get back on track. I'm still wavering on going over to Jamba Juice this morning and apologizing for not picking up the phone. I can do that another day. Today is about massage therapy esp b/c I have a performance exam today!