.: Wrapping up the Oh Five :.

I barely celebrate the New Year's Eve. This my thinking: Why party like a rockstar on one night (and the last) of the year when you could do it any ole' day of the year?

Instead I tend to try to clean up messes of the past year so that I can welcome in the new year with a clean slate (mostly).

Right now I'm organising my music collection now that this piece of equipment has become my best friend on the public trans.




So Imma rippin' and burnin' like a fiend. First, the best of little music I have here. Next, go through my sister's VAST collection. Though I have to wonder if she mighta snagged certain CDs long ago.

After this cleaning up my room. I've been very good about being organised and having a place for most of my things. Now its tidying up and finding homes for a few other things. Like my massage table. I should clean and tighten up things on my baby... noted.

UPDATE: Anne-girl is picking me up. Gotta run and finish this stuff...

.: 2006 Predictions:.

TheProtagonist5 had posted up about her projections for the future. Well, I’d decided to bastardize it a bit and base it off my 25 List. Hmmm.. now that I re-read her post, this isn't anywhere close. Anyways, Things I Want To Scratch Off My 25 List This Year:

2. Learn guitar: This has been on the list FOREVER. I’ve owned a couple of guitars in my lifetime. I’ve given the majority of them away for a song (literally). Or I’d be very vain about my fingernails and refuse to cut them *just* to play guitar. Well, now that I’m a massage therapist, I certainly can’t use the fingernails excuse as my nails are always cut. As for the guitar, Hedds happens to own two. Two that she probably hasn’t touched in a year. One of them, the electric one, is in my room. I’m thinking its about time I become better friends with that guitar.

4. Go canoeing with Rusty: Now that Rusty’s all done with the wedding plans, I’m going to bug him until this gets done. So there. See, it doesn't have to be with Rusty but I'd rather be with him.

10. Watch a Sing-A-Long Movie: Lately I’ve been running into people that want to go too. Shite. I don’t need to have someone with me to watch one of these. However, it would be nice to share the experience of singing at the top of my lungs at a movie screen.
I’d prefer it were “The Sound of Music” but I’m not going to be picky this year.

11. Volunteer at a soup kitchen: I’d always wait for Thanksgiving and then Christmas to even think about volunteering. Poor excuse. These folks need help anytime of the year. Besides now that I’ve volunteered at numerous other places this year, this should be cake. 

13. Be debt-free: After reviewing my monies, Hedds tells me I can probably pull this off by the end of the year. Well, with the exception of at least one of the school loans. And this is only if I can stick to my new budget. Stop worrying about debt by the end of the year. Awesome.

19. Graduate with my bachelors: Yeah, folks, I do not have a bachelor’s. Ok, honestly, this is the long shot prediction. But who knows with my credits and experience, it really can’t be much more than mastering some math classes. If I don’t actually graduate, I’ll at least be enrolled and on my way. Rats. That might be a problem for previous entry.

22. Learn to surf: Easy-peasy. Hedds and Matt are getting married in Hawaii in July. And I get to learn how to surf there. Hedds tells me the Hawaiian waves are probably easier to learn on. Also, with how fast I picked up snowboarding, she says I’ll be catching a lot of waves…

23. Run a 5K: This one I think will be easy enough. With my training schedule, I’ll be running well by this spring. And I’ll just need to get used to running on the road. All’s well as long as I don’t get into any more accidents.

So there. To be done in 2006. That and Manda and I are going to grinning happy morons by the end of this year.

Wow.. that's alot of shite... but not impossible.

.: another missed connection :.

Where: Chicago Public Library - Lincoln Square. You stood behind me in the line to get library cards.
You: Gentle blue eyes, blonde hair styled up in a faux-hawk (so 2003-4 but whatever, you looked good wearing it.) and an amazing biker-jacket-lookin-jacket. You were getting a spankin' new card. A virgin.
Me: A little Asian girl in a ratty blue knit cap wearing a grey hoodie with a completly slack-jawed expression on my face. I was replacing my lost card.

You'd asked if there was a fee for getting a library card. When I recovered, I told you, only for the replacement cards I don't think you have to pay for the first card.
I had to leave but I saw you take a seat near the New Non- Fiction.

Let's meet again in the library. Meet you in the New Non-Fiction.

PS. You'll notice that there is now WiFi in most Chicago Public Liberrys. This way I can campout, get my stuff done, AND wait for you.

.: Awesome:.

Like a hot dog. Name where that came from, ma bitches.

Just gotta say...you know when something that you'd thought was [hella rad] had become a sad disappointment to you. And you kinda wanta just give up on it? Just stop. I've been like that with dancing lately. I'd show up at Fizz and NOT dance, at all, without hanging at the bar. I know this may come as a schock to some of you...but for a while now... dancing was a sad disappointment.

But now it is TOTALLY AWESOME. totally. The last few weeks at Fizz have reminded how much fun dancing can be. Last week, just watching some the old school folks dance was pretty entertaining. Then dancing with them. Awesome.

I danced with a touchestone of mine tonight. It was weird and awkward at first but hot damn it fun trying to make it work. And then, click, we were on... Make that two touchstones tonight. Lucky me.

I'm going to sleep, yes this late (or early), a very content person. *le sigh*

[Oh and I got to go 'home', not 'home home'. Good times indeed.]


Edited to keep Mugs happy as well as mention 'home'. And photos from annimal.

.: Another Year :.

hmmm.. taking inventory of this year tonight. I suppose I could make a list. Or highlight the good/bad stuff. I could go on about how I've changed in a year. Perhaps tell of the new places I've been or the new people that I've met. Maybe I could dig up lyrics to sum up this past year.

But right now I'm wondering...

Billy Eckstine - What Are You Doing New Year's Eve

Maybe it's much too early in the game
Ooh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly twelve o'clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of the thousand invitations
You received

Ooh, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance:
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve?

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of the thousand invitations
You received

Ooh, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance:
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve?

.: Routine :.

With as much floating around I've done all these years, I've never had a routine. That isn't completely true. If I could make myself a cup of tea, anywhere, then I was home. I've had several homes but little routine or ritual.

Now that I've some roots I also grew some routines. Its logical and so easy. It is almost automatic. I never really thought about it. Sometimes I wouldn't have a toothbrush with me. Or I would just borrow someone else's soap to wash my face. Sometimes I would just rinse my face off and that was that.

I don't want to diminish these everyday things that I do for myself.

I don't want to take these rituals for granted that I now have them.

Sometimes I wash my face first but mostly I brush my teeth first. Don't like getting toothpaste traces on my fresh face. I've been using Tom's different types of toothpaste for a long while. Somewhere I'd read that you could sing the Birthday Song a couple of times in your head as you wash your hands. In that time you would rid your hands of all the dirty bacterial virus-type things. I figure the same thing works on my teeth too. Except I do the Alphabet Song. Three times. When I spit in the sink I make sure that I rinse off all the pasty tracks of toothpaste. I had a boyfriend's roommate complain that his girlfriend did that. He hated it. It was unsanitary. So now I make sure any remnants of my tooth scrubbings are down the drain.

When I wash my face, I splash it with water first. Mostly to get the surface dirt and oil off. I'd read alot of issues of Seventeen and Sassy in junior high, I'm pretty sure that's where I picked up that idea. It might have been in a Glamour magazine that I'd read to use a circular motion upwards with your facial cleanser. I happen to use an Oil of Olay product. Its age-defying. Like I really care to defy age. In the mornings, I'll apply another Oil of Olay product. Probably defies age as well. It has a SPF of 15. At night, yet another Oil of Olay product I probably got in a package with the cleanser. Yet this one does not try to defy age. In fact, it firms. This one I'm sure to apply to my neck. From my decollate, in circular motions, up to my chin and upwards. A roomate told me you can tell the age of a woman in her neck. I can tell I've age spots on my neck. I think I need an age spot defying product.

That's it. That's the routine. It seems silly I'm sure. Silly to those that have had this down pat for years. Please don't laugh. In all the chaos, that is my life, if I can follow this routine, in the simplest way, I've been good to myself. That stuff and making myself a cup of tea.

.: Good Hurting :.

Imma all kinds of hurting right now. And they are all good.

First, after a wonderful mastery of public transportation, I had a photo shoot at Big City Swing. It was loads of fun. I think in general I get energy working with cameras, lights, timing, and the eternity in finding the right shot. The photo shoot went extremely well, I think. Lotsa fun. Well, Mertza was happy and that's what that matters.

So the hurting was in the eternity. Holding my leg in the air, with a bend, at the knee, but from the hip and smile. The smiling was the easy part. The dip with me upside down for a time had me dizzy. There is a split kick I did over and over. My quads HATE me. And today is a running day. Imma definitely putting it off for tomorrow. That hurting was worth it. I hope all photos turn out well.

Next, good hurting... Oh, this is in my heart. Its this book "A Million Little Pieces". I'm not even done with it yet. I'm savoring the last few pages I will have with it. Then the hurting might be over. I don't think that it will. And I still CANNOT believe this is in the Oprah Book Club.

Its a gritty, dirty, and disguisting story. I've likened it to Trainspotting or even Requiem for a Dream. But its not. You can see the ugliness of addiction and obsession too closely and clearly. Then hold that pressed against hopes and dreams. And wanting a peace from that ugliness.

I'm kind of finding it hard to believe at moments. You see how this man destroys himself and others around him. You want him to stop. Just stop. Yet it carries on well past what you would ever expect a human being can survive. I found myself literally wincing and cringing while reading this on the El. I purposely missed my stop to finish a section.

But I believe it. Because I know alot of it myself. Not as bad, never that bad, but bad enough. And it hurts because its true.

I haven't cried for a good reason for weeks. I'm cryin' now as I write this and it kinda hurts, but in a good way. I'll have to write more later.

.: Not that I have a car :.

..To worry about but I am glad to hear that the city is on this Epidemic.

This does remind me of the BEST PARKING JOB EVER IN A SNOWSTORM!!!.. and the following commentary...

.: Update :.

Oh yeah.. the truck is totaled and I'm still hurting.

That and I went to the best wedding and reception yet... that's more for later.

.: Oh dear...:.

Its been waaay too long since my last drunky blog. Tho _technically_ I shouldn't be drinking but HOT DAMN Rusty is getting married today!! So a small group of friends and family had a lil drink fest at his room. And I had a beer or two and half. The lucky ducks got to back to their hotel rooms. I had to trek back to my hotel by myself AND get ripped off by a crazy cab ride. AND I have to wake up in a few hours and find a wedding present!! BEFORE Rustyford gets MARRIED?!?



btw I'm in Columbus. Ohio. Fuckin' Ohio.

.: This My Thinking :.

There has been much analyzing of my brain as of late...

Well, I've discovered a couple of programs that should help my poor poor brain keep track of my many and ingenious thoughts.

First FreeMind. Its a digital way for me to mindmap with HTML linking abilities and a clear way for me to present a thought or plan. Methinks this will be a good way to diagram my ideas and projects. This one I intend to use for my phatty phat projects like the films I'll be working on. I suspect that it'll help me organise ideas for my stories also. I remember using this system briefly to help me comprehend things in my history classes. Apparently it didn't stick. I'll give it a better go now.

Next GTDTiddlyWiki. Its based off the Getting Things Done system. I've by no means figured out the GTD system yet. But this system also is HTML link friendly. It can open up system folders. Its the tags that make it super easy to file away things and find them. I also like having to learn Wiki style. It gets easier every time I reference it.

Also I'm going to try out the HipsterPDA. Being the cheapest PDA I can get my hands on at the moment, I like that I can personalize it. *grin* More importantly I'll have something to always hold my thoughts while being able to file and transfer the information in a more tactile way, which I prefer. And I can keep my most important contact info and lists with me always. Finally GTDTiddlyWiki prints out my lists to fit in my HipsterPDA.

Yes, all this organisation...
This way I can play hours upon hours of Sims...

.: Shadowboxer :.

Hmmmm...

Fiona Apple - Shadowboxer

Once my lover, now my friend.
What a cruel thing to pretend.
What a cunning way to condescend.
Once my lover, now my friend.

Oh, you creep up like the clouds.
And you set my soul to ease.
Then you let your love abound.
And you bring me to my knees.

Oh, it’s evil,babe,the way you let your grace enrapture me.
When, well, you know, I’d be insane -
To ever let that dirty game recapture me.

You made me a shadowboxer, baby.
I wanna be ready for what you do.
I been swinging all around me.
’cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make your move.

Oh, your gaze is dangerous.
And you fill your space so sweet.
If I let you get too close,
You’ll set your spell on me.

So, darlin’, I just wanna say.
Just in case I don’t come through.
I was on to every play.
I just wanted you.

But, oh, it’s so evil, my love,
The way you’ve no reverence to my concern.
So, I’ll be sure to stay wary of you, love,
To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn.

You made me a shadowboxer, baby.
I wanna be ready for what you do.
I been swinging all around me.
’cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make your move.

.: Day After Dance Class :.

Augh…

Now it’s in my hips. The soreness is making its tour around EVERYWHERE in my body. This blows.

So about last night. I’d decided I am going to go to my dance classes anyways. I’d had to cancel a meeting that I where I was going to be late. I could not miss the last teaching class. Well, I could but didn’t want to besides I had class observation notes to share.

It was interesting watching the teaching class. We all have come such a long way and there was such great improvement in communication and presentation. I’m sure most feel like me and feel as though we’d like a chance to discuss more. I certainly feel I need to pick the teachers brains more. I want more vocabulary and I need to practice what I say and do. This is so much like learning another language. Trying to communicate clearly to someone that doesn’t have the same skill experience is a lot harder than it looks. (Thanks for the French class, Jo and Adeyoye.)

The performance group looked awesome. Fantastic! A little more polish, some more than others, but it sure is nice to see it all come together. This class killed me. I was getting upset that I couldn’t participate. I knew better than to strain myself yet watching folks executing aerials that I nailed in practice session…it sucked. Then I’d thought how incredibly lost I’d be if I could never dance again. Never ever.

Hedds can’t do A LOT of physical things she used to do b/c her knee is seriously blown. No more soccer. No more snowboarding. She is amazed that I run more than she does. Or that I run at all. We’ve done a serious role reversal. It’s sad that we can never snowboard together. This soreness will pass. I am lucky.

And I've figured out why my hips hurt...damn psoas.

.: Whip Smart :.

So you know how I need to experience things to ACTUALLY learn and understand it?



Now I understand whiplash.

I rear-ended a Caravan right at the 290/Congress merge. It was stop and go and I went when I shoulda stopped. He got scratches and dents on the back panel thing and his bumper. My air bags deployed. I've got bruises and scratches from that and my glasses. The damage to the car includes the grill shattering with transmission fluid bleeding out from underneath.

Now the kinda of exciting part of all this is now I have first hand knowledge of how whiplash progresses. I didn't feel a damn thing through out the police and the towing. Luckily my tow truck driver actually dropped me off at home (in his super decked out Nissan Something. It was science fiction. Who gets heated steering wheels? I woulda been a wreck on the CTA.

When I stood around at home getting all the insurance I was fine too. But when I stopped, my arms started to shake. Finally all that adrenaline that just presented itself. That's when I'd realized that my lower back was a bit achy. I tilted my head to one side all my cervical vertebrae clicked. My neck NEVER cracks.
Then stiffness in my anterior neck muscles and posterior shoulder was pulling up towards my ears. This was over a matter of hours but I noted it my head. These are my SOAP notes for myself:

S -MVA 12/7/05- rearended slow speed, FWD. PT complains of "tns n up. sh." and "dull P n anterior neck ms" O - ts n post neck isc & swollen?, ant neck "sinewy", erectors isc. A - Did not treat, Rx MD? P - demo cold/hot therapy for neck and neutral spine. do not treat unless recommended by MD or Mom.

Luckily, Mom did not completely freak and I took care of all the paperwork and reports. I was crazy determined to stay in the city and take care of it. I meet her tomorrow morning for something anyways.

My brain must be a bit addled as I've retyped that last sentence way too many times.

More about going to dance class tonight too. but Later I gotsta get up early.

.: Rock n' Roll Quotes :.

So stealing that. Dane Cook said I could. Who is Dane Cook, you may ask?



Just the my new favouritist stand up comedian since Eddie Izzaard. He'd just host SNL with the best opening monolouge I've seen since I watched the Steve Martin 1970-ish stand up monolouge on E! last week.

So after watching this I need to tell you TWO things:

ONE: Never an ONS ever never ever again. Ever.

TWO: If you can do that cashew trick, call me. Seriously. I think I can make an exception to ONE.

.: For Manda and Me :.

Manda's been super busy while I've been keeping myself fairly occupied. However, we get, um, distracted. Like I'd been trolling/learning things in WikiBooks:

Laziness pays off today, work only tomorrow.

I'd once had a therapist that proved that with my many experiences I cannot refer to myself as lazy. Instead, I started abusing the term "unmotivated."

.: God Bless 'Em :.

I wonder what I'd get for my Book of Mormon or Bhagavad-gita...



Can you see the kids harvesting Gideons from hotel drawers to load up on porn?

.: We Won! :.

I am so incredibly proud. So very, very proud.

Dev’s movie, Errands, won the Jury Prize at the Take One film festival. He really did a very good job.

Devon had a lot of competition, I feel. To be honest, I was about to cast my vote somewhere else. Yet in these other films, I could see how there was weakness in the acting for the well-written stories. There were technical or editing problems where the theatre of the film was fine. Then again there was the director who, “wanted to make a film about rockets and writing myself into a story to kiss a pretty girl.” Jebus, man even that kiss was a horrible bit of acting.

It was strange seeing myself up there on this huge screen for a second or two in the film. What was stranger was seeing “Produced by” and “Assistant Director” and even “Girl in Bed” with my name “Tessa” in close proximity. Quite an out of body experience.

I cannot remember the last time that I’d gotten some prize winning recognition for my work. It was so worth the hell it took to make it. And did I mention I’m so very proud?

Side story: I saw an ex-fling thing from my time in Champaign. He was at the film festival too. I thought I might have been wrong, it was years ago and what the hellwould he be doing here? That was until he walked down my aisle. Then I clearly remembered that scent and saw his ruddy but adorable face up close. He didn’t see me. I’m sure if he did, he never would have recognized me from years ago. I’m sure he didn’t recognize me up on the screen - this was when I had my fire red hair. But I swear I heard someone down my row say “Tessa” as the credits rolled. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on my part but I’d left early without searching him out. I’m sure that I’ll run into him again as I am apt to do… when I least expect it.

.: Suicide Medicine :.

(The sign I created was suggested by swingdoc. First thing I see in the morning. More about my meds on the LJ cut.)

Rocky Votolato - Suicide Medicine

Brain never stops tickin
Sometimes an on/off switch would sure would come in handy
Mind that’s constantly cutting up dissecting
Looking for answers, committing murders along the way

Is it the red wire? Or the blue wire?
Just pick one and cut
It just doesn’t matter anymore
Or did it ever?
Because I could never control when the bomb would explode

Oh god I love you
I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
Looks like its over
Please remember all the things I never got the chance to say
Like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture
The one that we hung by the door
In our house that was so beautiful
Yeah here in our little home

If this medication upsets your stomach
Take it with crackers, bread,
Or a small meal
We understand it won’t do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this I promise you’re going to like the way it makes you feel

Is it the red wire? Or the blue wire?
Just pick one and cut
It just doesn’t matter anymore
Or did it ever?
Cause I could never control when the bomb would explode

Oh god I love you
I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
Looks like its over
Please remember all the things I never got a chance to say
Like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture
The one that we hung by the door
In our house that was so beautiful
Yeah
In our little home
Our little home
Nobody knows
Our little home
Nobody knows what goes on
Our little home

.: Film Debut! :.

Sorry for the short notice but this will be entertaining ...

This is a short film that I'd assisted on. I ended up with a bit part in it with Brian Lang and stars the wicked Miss Kitty. To know how wicked, watch this then vote for it...Tonight at 6p. Free Food! The note is from the director:

Hey all,
I've heard from a lot of you already, but I just wanted to send out a reminder about the showing of Errands this wednesday evening. I also neglected to mention that although it starts at 6pm, there will be free food starting at 5:30. So come get some free food. Watch the films. Hate 18 to 21 year-olds? Then vote for my film and help me mercilessly crush them. Woot, etc.

Columbia College Take 1 Film Festival
Wed, Nov. 30th
5:30pm - food
6pm - start
1104 S. Wabash
8th floor cinema

Hope you all can come!

Dev

.: I loves me ma nerds :.

Yet again from tdj:




In The Garage - Weezer


I've got the Dungeon Master's Guide.
I've got a twelve sided die.
I've got Kid Pride.
And Nightcrawler too, waiting there for me, yes I do.
I do.

I've got posters on the wall.
My favorite rock group Kiss.
I got ace freely.
I've got Peter Chris, Waiting there for me, yes I do.
I do.

In the Garage, I feel safe.
No one cares about my ways.
In the Garage, where I belong.
No one hears me sing this song.
In the Garage.

I got electric guitar.
I play my stupid songs.
I write these stupid words.
And I love everyone waiting there for me, yes I do.
I do.

In the Garage, I feel safe.
No one cares about my ways.
In the Garage, where I belong,
No one hears me sing this song.
In the Garage.
In the Garage.
Arrah!

In the Garage, I feel safe.
No one cares about my ways.
In the Garage, where I belong,
No one hears me singing this song.
In the Garage.
In the Garage.

In the Garage, I feel safe.
No one laughs about my ways.
In the Garage, where I belong,
No one hears, No one hears me!
No one hears me, No one hears me!
No one hears me sing this song.

.: ack :.

I've been icky sicky ill the last few days. A good sleep tonight and I should be finishing up this virus before I get my flu shot next week. Either way, I'm back to running first thing in the morning.

I've been doing loads better on the mental health side as well. I must remember, "Without darkness, there is no light." I was asked about when was the best time of my life. I had to say my time in Champaign. This was when I discovered theatre - writing, improv, and directing. I rediscovered new ways to support Asian American culture. (Interesting point: Recently, got an email from an AA theatre friend from that time.) I became a singer and a writer of songs. Got published. Got recordered. started that damn swing dancing after YEARS of never considering myself a dancer. Most of this happened after the first time I'd dealt with my depression.

Let's see if I hit a renaissance of sorts. I wonder if I could be that productive again...

Finally tdj's commentary on the Kansas Board of Education and *their* take on science.

Dude. Sometimes I wish I was that smart and witty. Like ALL the time.

.: Dearest Mommy :.

I do believe that swingdoc is the dearest mommy I know...



Welcome to this wonderful world, Colin Patrick!

.: I done lernt good :.

As previously mentioned, I've been feeling quite the idiot as of late. (Especially as I've rewritten the previous sentence atleast six times.) But I'll soldier through this feeling to write this blog about the way that I learn.

For the past month, I've been taking dance classes at Big City Swing. Two hours every Wednesday night. The first hour concerns teaching a Swing I class or a Wedding Dance class or private. This class really stimulates me because it makes me use my assesment and problem-solving skills. At the same time, I have to learn some rote scripted stuff that I am able to improvise and use with my best style of communication - humor. I've spent alot of time during social dances lately just watching and observing how I might teach or re-teach certain dances moves. This might explain part of my lack of inspiration to accept offers to dance. Or perhaps I want to do more than just dance. Its kinda like my choosing to practice a more clinical, analytical style of massage as opposed to just settling for vanilla scented candled spa massage.

The second hour is a performance group class. This class kicks my butt physically and mentally. Wrapping my brain around what's to become muscle memory has been pretty satisfiying so far. Until tonight. What dance steps I thought I had down became crap. I was singled out on more than one occasion for a mistake or a reminder. I've been so very frustrated with not understanding things or feeling an imbecile lately yet I was more determined tonight to get the goddamn steps right. By the end of the session tonight, the group merited several compliments. However, before we all left the studio, J suggested we get together to work on it before next week. She told me, "You have it. You know it. Its linking everything together. The jazz steps are right. You aren't confident in the transitions."

This immediately reminded me of Trap's post on facts, knowledge, and wisdom.

The idea is that people excel differently in each of the three areas. For instance some people are great with minutia (facts), other people are good with classification (knowledge) and other people are all about relationships (wisdom). Knowing what type of person you are and working to build proficiency in the other areas can be helpful in increasing the scope of your intellectual abilities... at least that is my end game.

I'm very confident on facts. And its kinda creepy what kinda of trivial factual knowledge I have. Yet when it comes to linking these ideas into a larger more complex concept, I'm not very confident. This is why some people doubt me when I bring up a point in a discussion. I may know that there is a valid fact to be heard but I don't communicate that clearly. Other times I may self edit, out of self-doubt, what is still a valid point to be made in a discussion. I gotta stop doing that and just power through and KNOW that I am making a point that contributes to someone else learning something.

Interesting point should be made that I'm probably learning the same routine Trapper learned years ago...

.: bloggy blog blog blog :.

So I've been writing but not posting. Which is fine, I think. Certain ideas and opinions are best kept under wraps. I'll share some of the blogs in retro entries I think.

But these are a few blogs I've come across today. If I had my wits about me, I'd share more of my thoughts. Again, maybe at a later time...

Facts, Knowledge, Wisdom- I've been feeling pretty unintelligent as of late. Luckily, I get to hang out with people who graciously explain things to me a way that doesn't make me feel like a complete dolt. Sigh. I miss Trapper. His brain and his ass.

Harajuku Girls- Some interesting commentary from Magaret Cho on Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku Girls:

Now she has 4 things all together, the Harajuku Girls. I want to like them, and I want to think they are great, but I am not sure if I can. I mean, racial stereotypes are really cute sometimes, and I don't want to bum everyone out by pointing out the minstrel show. I think it is totally acceptable to enjoy the Harajuku girls, because there are not that many other Asian people out there in the media really, so we have to take whatever we can get. Amos 'n Andy had lots of fans, didn't they? At least it is a measure of visibility, which is much better than invisibility. I am so sick of not existing, that I would settle for following any white person around with an umbrella just so I could say I was there.

Please read the rest of her commentary. Perhaps this is why I have this love/nausea feeling about the Harajuku girls in pop culture. Reminds me. I received this lovely compliment: "You write more like Margret Cho than Amy Tan."

.: Happy Halloween :.

From Worth1000.com:

.: The Morning Sad :.

Its these mornings that are the worst times of the day for me. I'll lay here for a long while hearing the neighborhood slowly waking up. If I make too much noise waking up the dogs will wake too and whine to go out. So I lay still suffering through another fit of sadness. Eventually I will do what I do now and open up the laptop to type through my thoughts ignoring Oogo trying to put his massive (and now whining) head onto the keyboard. When the writing or the whining is enough, I'll feed the dogs and dress to go out for our walk. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I catch Jo before he goes to work. He'll ask how I am and I'll have to try not to cry. This is when I will get my morning hug and the "everything will be ok".

Well *this morning I found this soon after opening up my laptop. Blame tdj. Follow the link to the essay, I found that interesting. But it was this quote in tdj's cut:

Assuming that it is possible to compare happiness across people (and I don't really see why not), then there is a happiest person alive. That person is probably a genetic deviant, like the tallest person, the smartest person, or the fastest person. And, the thing is, they probably aren't that much happier than many of us. I think we have to accept the possibility that many people who are alive today are about as happy as people get. We may be banging against the upper limits of our (non-reengineered) hedonic capacity. And that's precisely why people are looking for something else or more, or whatnot.

Because happiness is just one of the good things that makes a life go well, not the thing that makes a life go well. Being happy is like having a good pair of shoes. They'll take you lots of places. But you still need somewhere to go. And you still need pants.

I loved the pants bit too. I'm off to feed the dogs and I think I hear Jo...

.:W0000000t!! :.

Woot I say!

Manda’s enthusiasm is underwhelming.

Story: Hedds, the die-hard Cubs fan, has been irritated with her fiancé, Matt who is a hard core White Sox fan. Not just because of the World Series, but it certainly wasn’t helping that he was able to brag on his team. The evening of Game 3 my sister is particularly pissed off at Matt and tells me she’s gone ahead and hexed the game. Through the game she’s texting me that her curse is working. I watch OT without a peep from her. Turns out she’d fallen asleep by then and so the Sox won. (Neither of us really buys into hexing but Hedds knew it the Astros best pitcher. She’d figured out it was the best night to come out with cursing results for Matt and the WS.)

.: Pumpkin :.

Blame tdj. One day I'll meet this dude.... This is brilliant...Brilliant!

.: Stop :.

I just kinda wanna stop.

I want to stop.

I’m really tired of being who I am. I am up for change. But I want to take the needle off the record and be quiet. Just stop.

There must be something about living in an emotional vacuum when you are a child. You don’t really know “good” or “happy”, likewise “sadness”. You can grasp at the ghostly filaments of your relationships and try to weave great dreams. You create and try to survive and be happy with what little scraps you have. Or you can destroy and render apart what binds you to other people. People, that hell of uncertainty, can be severed loose and you can float in the familiar emptiness.

I’ve done both. I’m not sure which is worse… For me, for now, it’s the same. And I still want to stop.

.: Right Lyrics :.

You know how you come across the perfect song on the radio dial after you've wretched your poor poor heart out begging for love and attention? yeah... Imma fool...a fool for nothin'


Everything To Me - Liz Phair

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you

All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Lucky I've been through hell
Backroads and shortcuts I know them well
Baby just stick with me
We'll make it together, just wait and see

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

The walls they close in
The air it goes out
We're left with nothing but a shadow of doubt
Nobody talks, no one is here
It's just you and me

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you

UPDATE: Woot! Way to go Liz on the the 7th inning stretch...

.: A Good Wife :.

Nana just sent me these notes:




... made think of this Nellie McKay song.

I Wanna Get Married - Nellie McKay

I wanna get married
Yes, I need a spouse
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish
Golden retriever and a little white house
I wanna get married
I need to cook meals
I wanna pack you cute little lunches
For my Brady bunches
Then read Danielle Steele
I wanna escape
This rat race I've created
I'm feelin' enervated
I don't care if I make it
I just want to bake a sugar cake for you
To take to work in the morn
And I'll stay home cleaning the dishes
And keeping your wishes all warm
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

I wanna partake in bake sales for the classroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Sally's little vroom-vroom
As she zooms around my broom
As I exhume the gloom
Of my shallow life
I wanna be simple and honest and dimpled
'cause I am your wife
I will never tarry
I'm not even torn
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

.: Casino Swing Night :.

I've finally recovered from another outstanding party with my sisters.



This one hosted by the 20/30 Club. Hedds' fiance Matt and his brother are members of this group. Their annual fundraiser was held in one my most favouritist places in the world, Union Station. The cleared out all the benches and the bums and to set up Blackjack, Roulette, Craps, and Texas Hold 'Em tables. A horn band, The Business, had a super pregnant songstress that sang The Pussycat Dolls', "Don't Cha." More importantly, no less than twenty bartenders stationed at tables surrounding the event were on hand to ply us with premium liquors and beers. Needless to say I was "wastemanated" by the end of the evening. I didn't fare as badly as some others that went onto fertilize the foliage at the after party at dick's. Fun times. I'll have to do this again next year...

.: In a nutshell :.

I could just imagine me sayin this if I went drinkin' with Manda... Lifted from Overheard in New York.


Hipster girl: At this point, I would totally trade in my crotch for real love.

--1st Avenue & 8th Street

.: Roots Down :.

“You have to put some roots down,” Roobie said.

It’s true.

So this morning I’ve decided to go home to Downers Grove and try to make it a home. I’ve spent all week at other’s peoples’ places and being happier there. At times I have to wonder at what price. At the Unicorn’s, it’s the price of the appearance of impropriety. With Roobie, it may the price of a new friendship. With dick, it’s a price that I don’t want to pay. I may be all wrong with these assumptions. However, it’s not the worth the risk.

Besides, I think that there is a greater lesson to be learned. I am always at the whim of my mother’s mood or malevolence. I don’t have to be. I usually fear any sort of comment or criticism. It can control my day, my mind, and my mood. I still hide from her in my room or away the city. All the while I feel dependent on her for my happiness or well-being. Or resentful for her not understanding or loving me. I think I can better understand that I cannot rely on her moods, her incredibly unpredictable moods or behaviours to shape or change or motivate me.

This week has kinda steeled me against the feeling that I’ve nowhere else to harbor from these times that I’ve been off kilter. I understand that IF I have to move out, I have my sisters and my friends to fall back to for support and/or a couch.

Meanwhile, I still haven’t gotten kicked out. I still, of course, am unaware of why my mother is not speaking to us. But I do need to put roots down where I am relatively safe. Downers Grove is the place. For all my mother’s moodiness, it’s where I am the safest without risk or indebtedness.

In general, I’m more and more aware of the instances that I might have taken things too personally and reacted well out of proportion…. I gotsta fix that too.

.: home :.

wrote this the other night.. doesn't make alot of sense but it needed to be noted so all ya'll(and myself)can keep track of my dramas.

Home.

I grew up in Downers Grove.

My mother’s house is there now. My family including my father moved there from Skokie, IL in 1980.

I’ve hated that house for a long time. I hate the house my father lives in now after his separation from my mother in 2001.

I’ve been kinda homeless since then.

I’ve moved back to the house in Downers Grove when I left Champaign in 1999. My mom stopped talking to me at the Spring of 2001. This was probably after I’d witness what would be my parents’ final yelling match. I’d moved to the frat house in the Summer of 2001. I lived there will belcanto. We got displaced when the building was closed by both the fire and health departments. We lucked out and got to live in blonde brian’s Gold Coast condo for a while. Then I went off to England for my dear cousine’s wedding. Then I lived in Heathrow for three days after Sept. 11. When I finally was able to fly out of England. My boyfriend at the time let me stay with him. That lasted about three months. Arif, one of my best friends and collaborators, took me in after that. I stayed there until I moved into an apartment with a co-worker in Spring of 2002. I moved out when I couldn’t make rent. Moved some of my things to my father’s house in Logan Square. My boyfriend at *that* time offered to let stay with him when we heard gunshots as I was moving things. We soon after moved to our own place around the time I started up massage school in the Fall of 2002. By next Spring, I overstayed my welcome with that boyfriend and moved all of my things to my father’s place. My living arrangements with my father are well documented in ma blog. (Here and here and here being my favorite entries.) My father asked me to move out in the Spring 2004 since I was giving him and his new bride a lot of attitude.

So back to Downers Grove. So for the last few weeks, my mother has barely said hello to me. If anything at all is been some small criticism. She’d, of course, been very civil of I’d had friends visiting but out side of that – nothing.

It’s the beginning of the end I can feel it. I would much rather leave than have to hear her ask me to leave as she so graciously did to my little sister when she was living with her.

Its been noted that I can make myself at home just about anywhere. I’ve probably slept on the couch or in the bed of most of my friends. But even when living with boyfriends, I never felt home. I’ll get glimpses of it Sunday Brunches with Sunday Papers, little dinner parties with friends, or sitting and imDbing a DVD as we are watching it. I so crave it. I so miss it.

Recently I spent a morning on the computer, working on a Sudoku puzzle, and listening to NPR in bed. It wasn’t my bed in my home. But it was what I felt home should feel like. It was comfortable.

And then it was gone.

Yeah, so things are kinda sucky right now.

.: Open Letter :.

I’d learnt my lesson after burning a huge pile of unsent letters earlier this year: go ahead and send off the letter. As it wasn’t writ from spite, there’s some good ideas in it. That and I’ve a good zinger or seven when I write at the moment and from the heart.

To my dearest morons, the idiot savants of emotional intelligentsia,

Just few notes to take with you as you go on to conquer lamer ass pussy:

-Do not go and have incredible sex with a girl more than twice in one morning and then break it off or never call back. If you really wanted to be a real ass, lay off the sex, plant the seed in her head that you are cheating on her and *then* break it off and/or never call her back

-Dude, do not go and make out with a good friend of hers and NOT think that its going to get back to her and bite you in the butt.

-Pay her back for the money she lent you to that paid for your drugs/alcohol/skank whores/rent.

-She’s not calling you back for a reason. Seriously. That and trying to contact her through MySpace or Friendster does not make a difference.

-Being emotional and brooding looks good on James Dean and Marlon Brando. In the Movies. Not you.

-If you can see the future, and KNOW that its not going to work out as a relationship or even a one night stand. Do NOT stick your dick in her NOW. You might get away with it if you do it LATER, while you are drunk.

-Girls will like you. A lot. And for reals. Suck it up.

That and bugger off...
love, t

.: I'm Cheating :.

...on my boyfriend with the Unicorn's Power Book G4..

I'm stroking it everything in front of everybody at the White Palace and getting myself all *shudder*...

Manda - Imma bitch. I'm sorry. I will totally make it up to you this weekend. And your bf is cooler than the Unicorn's...

.: Where You'll Find Me..:..

...all this week....

Sewiously, someone's going to have to indentify my engorged dead body in the lighting section because I'm going to be full up to my teets in Swedish MEATBALLS and Ligonberry Sauce!!! and Billy bookcases, too.

Here's a link from theprotagonist5 with more details.

.: Driveway Moment :.

I know I've lots and lots of other things to update on and I do have them on the lil laptop... But I do not have the capabilities at the moment. I've limited internet here at the Village o' Downers Grove Liberry... but I did want to share this...

Fresh Air Interview with Alan Alda

Seriously sat in the monster truck on the driveway for a good fifteen minutes b/c I didn't want to miss a second of this very funny and insightful interview...

.: volunteer :.

Its been difficult watching and reading all these stories concerning the Hurricane Katrina disaster. I'd been pretty succesful in attempting to hide from it all. Then I watched Oprah this morning.

Someone had something about how taking a shower and having a hot meal made you feel like you were human again. I knew that feeling. Living in Heathrow for days and not knowing when I was going to be able to go home was an awful feeling. I mean, I had a roof over my head, running water, and English Bobbies with big guns so I was WAY luckier than these folks. But the day that they let us take a hot shower in the VIP area and offered us hot tea and bicuits - I felt like a queen.

Well, since this morning I've been on the horn calling, googlin' whatever... tryin.. tryin.. to find a place that needs an actual body as opposed to my non existent money to help out. I'm still waiting on a few places b/c it sounds like a few hundred other people might have got the same idea at the same time. Looks like I may have to get a group of MT (NOT masseuses) to volunteer b/c I can't seem to find a group to join myself.

And now just finding this quote from from the former First Lady while visiting the Astrodome, I'm bitter determined to help the "underprivileged" -

"Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality," Barbara Bush said.
"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

.: Sudoku :.

I have been so hooked on this puzzle game the last few days. I'd discovered it in the Sunday Chicago Tribune where they will publish one daily. Apparently its very popular in the UK at the moment. This is the site were I found this particular puzzle.

.: When September Ends :.

Just watching this video makes me tear up... What a commentary... And reminds me of WM...



Green Day - When September Ends

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.[x3]

.: ..ugh.. :.

This is me and Manda. We're at Neo. I have a bottle of wine and a bunch of birthday shots in me. I'm still recovering. AND I've a bunch of bite bruises on me.

Thanks to Manda, Margot, Devon, Dick, Adam, Andre and Kuya Noah for showing up to celebrate with me. Fuck you Michael for all the damn bites...

And thanks for all the birthday wishes from everyone. I gotta say... one of my favouritist birthdays ever... as much as I can remember...

.: Bee-yoo-ti-ful :.

annapan turned me onto this site. Just gorgeous.

For those expecting the drunk blog....sorry...

.: Unicorns :.

I believe. Thanks Manda. Artwork again by Jason Sho Green

.: Hittin' The Balls :.

After a defeated conversation with Dick, I was in a pretty foul mood - then Hedds calls. She asks if I know about a certain driving range in Chicago. Boom. I load up the car and I'm off down the highway determined to wack at some balls.

I don't know how we lucked out but since we got there so late and paid for parking we got a free bucket of balls. I was just so angry and frustrated I just wanted to knock those lil fuckers out of the range. Then I sorta had a moment of clarity. Set myself for the shot and it was sweet. Hedds said so. From then on it was concetrating on being consistent. Hedds thinks I found my game. I think we're going back tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm tired of wacking at balls. NO Dev, I'm not talking about genitalia.

.: update :.

So I'd survived the Black Out of '05 pretty well. Its resulted in my room becoming more organized. (huh? Wha?) I think after organizing all the crap at work its all kinda rubbed off. Though I do have laundry from a week ago to put away.

I know I was kinda excited about having people come over whilst Mar is in Vegas but I've been so exhausted and burnt out as of late. I'll welcome a day or two in the DG without having to worry about driving and all these damn gas prices.

Besides I've my birthday coming up.. (hint, HINT) and I have to get ready for something my sisters are putting together... AND I have every intention of hitting NEO the Thursday night before... you better be coming, too. yeah, you. ma bitches.

Another note.. sang Tina Turner's "Private Dancer" at Carol's last Thurs. Made four dollars, a cigarette, a few new friends...

Tina Turner - Private Dancer

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names
You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I want to make a million dollars
I wanna live out by the sea
Have a husband and some children
Yeah, i guess i want a family
All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

Deutch marks or dollars
American express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?

.: Black Out :.

Hmmm… maybe this black out is a good thing.

I came back after my meeting with Arif all riled up. (Woot! New movie project!) So I finally got down and dirty cleaning up and organizing my room. I figured I’ll actually make room for the furniture Hedds gave me. I have to bring it upstairs. Besides, I wanna be able to have a Sunday funday at the DG and be able to show off my room. AND I haven’t had a guest sign the wall since for ever…

.: Body Worlds :.

Just saw Body Worlds today. Finally. Was like a kid waiting to get into Disneyland. I’m such a muscle dork. Went with my co-worker Mary. Have to go again. Have to sketch more. A lot more. Here’s what I had so far. Both are two minute studies of “The Chess Player” which I think is my favorite piece.
**insert pics of skethces here as soon as I bloody figure out how to get it off this ancient camera**

It so reminds me of visiting the AIC. Reminds me of the TWO Anatomy and Physiology courses I took for the hell of it cause I thought it would help my figure drawing. Instead it helped me fly through A&P in massage school. Though now I kinda wish I had sketched a lot more. You may notice the proportions are all off on the full figure sketch. It was disconcerting not having the usual landmarks on the body for reference. Its quite a challenge I want to spend some good time drawing there.

Should be easier. I’ll have a lot more time. They’ve hired on another receptionist - cutting my hours. I also took a pay cut in my receptionist pay b/c I understand where we are in budgeting this bidness. I’m getting way too involved in this place but I don’t think I would get as much out if it if I didn’t feel like I was making a bit of sacrifice now to expect big payback later. ** crossing fingers **

.: Cool :.

I'm so not even close to cool as I think I am... Methinks I should get this heart tattooed upon ma sleeve... art by Jason Sho Green







Cool - Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

Yeah, I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

C-cool, I know we're cool
I know we're cool

.: Brilliant :.

.: I Miss Dick :.

There. I said it.

Really, I gotta get used to the idea that I can't have Dick any ole time I want to. I mean, I probably could. Maybe if I tried harder or put in a little more effort. The fact of the matter is there a few more important things in my life than Dick. I've got other places to put my energies than with Dick.

Sure Dick is nice to have every night, to wake up to in the morning. Dick makes me laugh and makes me think. Dick's been pretty handy when I needed to take my mind off things. I could probaby talk to Dick all the time if that idea weren't so silly. And though not all will agree with me, having Dick with a blues dance is pretty sweet.

*sigh*

I just gotta be without Dick for little awhile...

Still... I miss him...

.: No More Waiting :.

Yeah, so, I finally got a good kick in the pance that I needed.

Went over to Rusty and Rachel’s place to bring them to go contra dancing. Instead, Rusty sat me down and proceeded to spank me on how I am being a jackass of late. Not bad for someone I haven’t seen in about 6 months but he’s known me for too long… Through so much shit... Oh the stories!!! And well, short of calling up people for me, he’d pretty much strong armed me into getting my shit done. Finally.

It was probably the first time that I got to hang out with his fiancée, Rachel, since they came over for Christmas YEARS ago.. Well, turns out he picked a pretty nice girl to put up with his shit.

Then off to Fizz - first thing - AWESOME dances with Andrew and Lippy. And that’s how I knew I was on my way back to normal… That and I woke up to a wonderful song this morning… I realised that I've posted this song already here but its is so lovely I'll post it again...

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

.: Letting Go :.

uh... I woke up not really looking forward to the day.

I had two clients to meet. The first was going to be a challenge, shoulder problems, which I should have found very appealing. Alas, I think I've mentioned how out of it I've been of late. It was worse since I'd had a strange bit of insomnia that had me watching M.A.S.H. at four in the morning.

Plus she was an early client. I'd opened up shop early for her. We'd met the day before when I was giving tune up chair massages and I had mentioned that shoulder patholgies were my specialty. Turns out she's a breast cancer survivor. So I mention my volunteer work at 1000 waves and the desire to learn lymph drainage. Don't know why I didn't mention my Avon Walk... she IS kinda loaded... any who...

So this morning, I'm feeling cranky and drained as is... for awhile there I was doubting how well I was doing ...but she would say, "Yep, you got it."

Turns out to be a talker... doesn't want to relax and fall asleep.. just keeps chatting with me. She unloads her recent stressors on me and we even got to talk about some of my recent problems.

Then it happens. She cried. Emotional Release. Its happens fairly often with cancer patients. Its so frustrating and stressful trying to live a normal life all the while getting poked and prodded; hoping not to be disappointed. Our muscles hold memories and when I worked out some sore spots she finally let go. It was ok to cry. She kept apologising but I told her it was alright. I just stopped working on her but kept my hands where I'd stopped.

We finished soon after. I gave her some good homework to keep what muscles we did work on in good shape. I even gave her something to just think about - My professor had said that there are times when the body just armours itself from psychological pain. Watch certain people that look as though their chests have collapsed with their shoulders turned inward. They are protecting their hearts...

Then I sent her on her way. I stripped the sheets from the bad and set the room for my next client. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands like I always do. Cleanses away all that I may have picked up from my client. - oil, dirt, psychic energies, bad feelings. Dried my hands. Sat on the toilet seat. Cried.

.: More Lists :.

So darling MK had revived her list recently... so went and dug up mine...

It kinda makes me sad how much I have been ignoring it and been obviously unhappy. Kitty added onto hers this last time around. I've only added one more thing... This time around I'll pay attention to it more...

List of Things I Want in My Partner in Crime

- Knows how to enjoy drink, not to abuse it.
- A dry sense of humour. like me.
- Loves music, he strives to have, listen, or create music everyday
- Sings, I'm not asking for a fabulous voice but someone so passionate about music that they have to be a part of it, dare I say, even likes karaoke
- A thoughtful romantic in action and not just in word; in meaning, not in dollars.
- Must be a dancer, not just a lindy hopper but someone who knows how to express himself with his body and is comfortable with it.
- Oooo...dances (nice and slow)
- Knows when to kick my butt if I'm being a butt.
- Knows when to leave me alone if I'm being an ass.
- Great to take on a road trip, can play the part of Captain, Navigator, and/or passenger just along for the ride.
- Will play in a water fight, snowball fight or swing on a swing set
- Opens the door - car or otherwise.
- Walks on the streetside along the sidewalk with me
- Walks with me to the playground.
- Does NOT SNORE... more than me
- Knows movies. Has opinions about movies. Can tell me the story about a movie without completely ruining it for me
- Seriously, he has to be damn funny esp with well-timed Simpsons quotes.
- Cares more about me than money er knows where to prioritize money with our needs.
- Loves travel - whether by the seat of our pants or a well-planned adventure
- Loves long phone calls and longer letters - there's no kind of communication that he lacks in.
- Writes me notes - cause as much as I like to say action shows more, a nice word now and then on a Post it note or via text msg, is sweet.
- Likes tea
- reliable
- doesn't yell 'cause I tend to just shut down if I get yelled at and they've got to know better ways of communicating
- great in bed - ok I should be specific - great FUN in bed. If gettin' off is going to be great strain and work well, that's no fun.
- creative, resourceful, practical
- DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled
- Must dig foreign films, ie. a first choice when picking out weekend videos
- "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
- A night person that won't be too bothered when I make a late night drinky dial
- loves pets - cats and dogs
- reads A LOT - and tells me all about them books
- cracks ma shitup but at times it when I don't have coffee in my mouth
- good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* ie. build stuff, fix things, and makes junk.
- looks me in the eye esp when its the kinda truth that hurts
- holds my hand in public
- doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties
- DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe
- knows high hells equals cab ride
- MUST DIG ROBOTECH
- doesn't smoke everyday
- must {heart} toys
- makes me laugh ... in bed
- love video games BUT not an addict
- an extensive appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde
- geeks a lot about a lot of things
- willing to make an ass of himself
- DEALBREAKER: able to survive the Philippines- the weather and the family
- more action than talk
- more play than work
- loves food - eating it and cooking it
- a team player
- a life-time learner
- knows when to negotiate and when to stand his ground
- inspirational
- patient with me and himself
- lets me know I'm worth his time and attention every chance he can.
- touches me not just because he knows it will make me smile but because he wanted to anyways

.: Flossin' :.

yeah so I am doing a short stint as American Girl... again.

So if you happen to be in the Chicagoland area on the 23rd and 30th, Check it out. If you're real nice I can get you a pass... OR if your Dev you can sneak in...

Tak, tak, motherfuckers...

.: What Am I To You? :.

Its been a while since I've posted up some lyrics... its about time for this one... indeed.

What am I to you? - Norah Jones

What am I to you?

Tell me darlin' true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feelin' low
To whom else do you go?
I'd cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

Now if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I'll love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

If my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never wanna part
I'm givin' you the ball

When I look in you eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me?
Would you carve me in a tree?
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?

.: Sunday :.

Finally here at Lindy By the Lake. No music goin' on quite yet... so here I am on a laptop while ppl are biking, strolling, roller blading, or even playing beach volleyball just a few feet away from me. I am such a dork.

This is a nice place to so some writing as I am waiting. I am waiting to do some dancing to ease some pain. Some of the pain is from dancing at the last night at the Artful Dodger. Its kinda like having some of the hair of the dog that bit ya...

Some of the pain is from heartache. Cut some strings last night and hoping to tie up some other strings today.... though I doubt this will happen. Why would i expect things to be different? That's just begging for disappointment. All in all, I think I am doing things differently for myself.. making healthier choices... and to be honest it feels [wonkavox]weird.[/wonkavox]

Speaking of Wonka, I don't even want to say a word about the movie. I don't want to ruin it for anyone. So I will say this: if ANY of my dear readers want to watch it with me, I will TOTALLY go again... MUMBLER!

That and I saw a 21 Jumpstreet episode this weekend. Ain't it love when you admire someone despite the lame ass shite they've done in the past?

BEST text msg EVAH! - "Lame lame lame lame-o stupid dummy lame-o. Have you ever looked at the dude you are humping and ask why he like that dumb girl?

Manda, me thinks me needs a throat punch.

Speaking of throat punch...Last karaoke night for KJ Chris this Wednesday... Come to Holiday and watch me throw down PILAFINO style! "My Way" baby!

.: maroon :.

What time is it? Moron season again? I think that a good explanation can be found here...
Is Eric the Bartender, right? Perfectly fine, intelligent men become morons. Perhaps I will become that spinster aunt.

Perhaps no. My mother had cursed me long ago to have a child that's s'posed to be just like me.... a horrific challenge and probably horrifically torturous.. yet I don't think would be a bad thing to have someone else in the world like me.. not too bad..

.: The New New 25 Things List :.

Bugger Devon...

ok so Four Things off the List...

4)Be in Film.. Did that with Devon's film "Errands"... technically I was think more of a speaking role and more clothes on...

OK, so NEW list!

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Japan
2. Learn Guitar
3. Master Escrima
4. Go Canoeing with Rusty
5. Do a one-woman show
6. Be a mother
7. Direct a play in the Virginia
8. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
9. France
10. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
11. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
12. Own a Convertible
13. Be debt-free
14. Do an art show or art fair
15. Be a wife
16. Write a love letter
17. Live in California
18. Visit New York City (for real)
19. Graduate with my bachelors
20. Own a puppy.
21. Live in an apartment by a river
22. Learn to surf
23. Run a 5K
24. Publish poems
25. Vist London (For Real)

.: New 25 Things To Do Before I Die List :.

here its been well over a year since my last update. Knocked three things off.. not too shabby.

1)Walk/Run for charity... Done in June 2004 with AvonWalk. Doing it again.

2)Paint a mural.. too bad its at Pops'.. it was pretty sweet... only a graphic but I done good.

3)Learn to snowboard.. Did it! after injury.. not all that great but I bloody well did it.. Hell, I impressed Hedds and I met Ty Ty the Medical Guy.

So here's the update... **drumroll**

25 Things to Do Before I Die - in no particular order

1. Japan
2. Learn Guitar
3. Master Escrima
4. Go Canoeing with Rusty
5. Do a one-woman show
6. Be a mother
7. Direct a play in the Virginia
8. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean
9. France
10. Watch a Sing-a-long movie
11. Be on film
12. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
13. Own a Convertible
14. Be debt-free
15. Do an art show or art fair
16. Be a wife
17. Write a love letter
18. Live in California
19. Visit New York City (for real)
20. Graduate with my bachelors
21. Own a puppy.
22. Live in an apartment by a river
23. Learn to surf
24. Run a 5K
25. Publish poems

.: today :.

this is the day I get alot of online crap done.

Not ALOT to do today in the office.. and I've been working hard so I figured thisis my day to play hookey online.

Ok, that and I have to vent here for a moment.

My car is dying.

Its been slow going, I know. All the signs were there. I just kinda put blinders on and kinda hoped that I would have him until atleast the Fall. But I just got the call that he's on his last legs. A glance at the Blue Book value and I know I have to let go. I'm not sure what to do. I'm in a bit of a fluster at the moment. The thought that I am going to be caught in the vortex known as the Village of Downers Grove is making me a bit nausated. I suppose I could beg mar for the Soccer Mom Mobile but at what cost?...besides the 40 dollars it takes to fill that damn tank... who knows what kinda emo/psycho ball and chain goes with that tank?

ack. more later.. and it will more than likely be back dated...

.: Strange Dream :.

What a strange morning.. I woke up dreaming of London ... Walking in Trafalgar Square ...a red double decker bus goes by... watching a deformed pigeon hopping on one foot...

I woke up to a phone call from my sister...barely aware that my radio alarm was blaring NPR. "There's been a bombing in London," Hedds tells me.

I just started bawling. It was like being in London on 9/11. I was so confused. I didn't know what to do with what I was hearing.

"... Explosions in downtown London...2 fatalities and numerous injuries..." from the radio.

"...so tell Mom to call Auntie..." from Hedda. I look into the mirror across my room. I'm wearing an old London Underground t-shirt. Probably a souviener from our last visit.

I rush downstairs and find my mother dialinng on the phone. There are images on the TV screen in the living room...unreal. Everything looks like Trafalgar. The marketplace where I learned about the Towers.

I can hear my mother talking on the phone.

"Do you want to talk to your auntie?"

I nod and grab the phone. "Are you alright?" I ask.

"Of course I am," she coos lightly in her lovely English accent. I'm being completely foolish. My Aunt and Cousine Kam live hours away from London. Auntie Lil goes on to relate how the neighborhood was all a twitter and her difficulty in getting hold of Kam and Andrew. She said, "Then I took a nap..." but everyone was ok.

No, not everyone's ok ...horrible times...

Kam, Andrew... I love and miss you guys... email me?

.: what I *do* know ?:.

So what I do know of the plight of the politics and peoples of Africa is via Live8 but perhaps more specifically Eddie Izzard on )this website (even more pacifically.)

Is it horribly sad that I stay in touch with the world via a tranny English comedian? I'd signed up www.one.org last year at a concert I was working. I thought it interesting especially seeing Bono promoting the ideas on Oprah. Even now just writing up names of celebrities seems to take away from the importance of looking exactly happening in Africa. Luckily I got a bit more insight and little less glam on Fresh Air today.

I feel a bit guilty about my ignorance however I can't think of a more brilliant person to speak on the subject than Izzard. I happen to like him a bit more than Bono.

“Why am I involved in Make Poverty History? Anyone asked to get involved should want to – just out of common humanity. The six billion people in the world should all have an equal chance – we want to create a level playing field for rich and poor countries alike. I’m not sure the celebrities will help to change world leaders’ minds, but they raise awareness. It’s the people, the activists – all these people here at the rally today who make a difference. Will we make poverty history? It may not happen this week, but we can make a start on the road to overcoming poverty. The G8 could cancel the debt and grant more aid straight away. Trade justice may take a little longer. I would say to the G8: ‘Leave a legacy – make poverty history!’ - Eddie Izzard

.: Fourth of July :.

400 water balloons...the tradition continues... I CANNOT wait.

.: First Client:.

had my first spa client today... almost missed it because my phone had died. It was scheduled for right before I usually come into do my reception work. Well, I've a new happy client that will be coming in next week for deep tissue work... on my very professional recommendation.

I was just telling RP today that I'm still not used to hearing that my family is proud of me and that I'm finally getting my shit together. Today, I think I'm starting to believe that I *am* starting to get my shit together. After I finished my session today, there was a strange sense of accomplishment that rarely happens after a massage. Then after I checked out the client and signed her up for another session, she walked out the door and I did a happy Ewok dance. Like I do.

That reminds me. I miss B. Lang and WreckerMatt. and the other Matt too.

.: At work :.

yes. I've started a new jobber.

This is one reason I haven't been good about keeping up with the posts. I'd just finished giving my boss a chair massage tune-up. I think I was trying too hard to impress him. Or perhaps its been that long since I've put a good effort into a massage, my arms are a bit sore.

So this new job is in the suburbs VERY close to my mom's place. I'm at first a receptionist mostly in the evenings now. Apparently, I'm also going to be the lil IT girlie girl for them trying to get these damn pop up ads and various other crap off the computers. Also, I'll be updating and editing the webpage. While I'm working on studying for the National Exam (and tying up loose ends with CSMT) I'll be an intern at the spa (Read: I get to charge student rate). That is, until I get my Illinois certification, then I can charge full rate. Not much in comparison to the city. I'll still be toting my table around if anyone needs a massage....

.: Massage Class :.

..for you.

So i guess as a graduate and in hopes to promote more massage therapists, I've been offered a free course to give someone elsethat is interested in taking this basics class FOR FREE. So if you or anyone else you know is interested, let me know and I'll sign you up.

This class will teach you the basics of giving a very good swedish relaxation massage. Its the introductory class that I took ages ago before I actually signed up at CSMT.

Take the first step to an exciting new career and learn the basics!

Discover the rewards of helping people heal through the power of touch.

Massage Basics is a fun, non academic, relaxing introduction class that helps to acquaint you with the theory and basic skills of massage. In the one day course you will learn how to give an effective massage to family and friends.

Massage Basics One Day Class: 110$
Sunday, June 26th 9am-5pm

Chicago School of Massage Therapy
17 N. State St. 5th Flr.
Chicago Il, 60602

.: W00t!! :.

...for the drunken blog...

I'd had one hell of a day on Thurs that mainly consisted of panic and worry and then more panic, disappointment, and then drunken ending.

Firstly, Scott's memorial. Very nice. My view on life don't often go well with certain Christian beliefs but damn if that wasn't a lovely service and sermons. What touched me the most was a very comforting line that Scott's wife, Michele attributed to him in a letter that she had read.

"Don't let them be discouraged. There is more work for them to do."

That helped me get through the day to my graduation ceremony. I almost didn't expect to walk b/c of course there is still missing bits to my graduation requirement. But they let me walk with CSMT Class 83. I have so much more to write about this AND I have pictures :) I'm GRADUMINATED!!! mostly...

After a dinner with ma familia at Reza's, I went out to NEO to dancey dance. I've sent out a late email to folks I thought might be interested in going - quite late tho. So I was a little disappointed I didn't have friends to dance with me. Luckily, WM showed up. Ah, what a bloody fuckin riot. only makes sense since he introduced meto NEO and very shortly wiwll be leaving for Detroit. Boo.

.: in teh rael whorld:.

nupe2day: remember where the mjr arties are
nupe2day: er arteries
nupe2day: break the wind pipe right into the esophogus.. that why they atop screaming
nupe2day: er way
CommonPple: your spelling is outstanding. i love it.
nupe2day: yeah... many a grammer and english teacher has tried to master me
nupe2day: but no
CommonPple: fight the power.
nupe2day: werd.

.:eddieizzard:.

eddie izzard

.: Losing it :.

It’s a week to my official graduation. I’m loads of paperwork and studying away from ACTUALLY graduating. I don’t know what I’m doing. At the very least I’ve talked myself from outright throwing in the towel again. What I do know is I’m still trying to undermine myself in my horrendous little ways. Trying to be perfect. Wrecking myself with self-criticism. And pretending I want to get involved with another boy. Anyone wanna come over and give me a swift kick in the pance?

There are the waves of utter excitement and joy over graduating that hit me and floor me leaving me wasted and tired… But I see a light at the end of a long, long tunnel...oh god if I survive this…

.: Another Holiday :.

Mandapance is back in town tonight.. tho for sad reasons, we most prolly will make it out to Hiliday again.. finally!

and with great timing I present something that Dev and Thom shoulda did...

again you can blame mugsy.. its his fault I have anything cool linked here.

homemade rock video

.: on the road- on the treo :.

so here I am again in the passenger seat writing. this time with company Treo in hand with Camel Turkish Go°

.: OOOOHHHH!:.

klahoma! is where the hell I am stuck at the moment. Stuck in Tulsa with a broken down promotional van. Story to follow. I've had to repeat it so much to people here that it hurts to tell it again.

But me and ma boss went out on the town to blow off some steam. Met a rare creative sushi chef in Tulsa.





yeah, so there's strawberries on top and HOT peppers inside wih eel and tuna.

.: From Dallas, TX ...bitches... :.

So here I am.. in Dallas .. for bidness.

After a longASS marathon roadtrip with the company, I arrived yesterday evening. I got my sweet suite key with plans to crash out after the 18 hour trip (There was an accident on the highway that delayed us.) But b4 I passed out, I decided to call TXJess to find out what was up in D-town. Then we'd decided to go ahead to meet up for dinner after I cleaned up and taken a nap.

Well, there was no nap aftersheer coincidence I'd finally discovered the contact info for OnDaSide and her hubby, Brian. I was so hyped to see them all I quick showered and went out on the town. First, Christine had to leave for her Peds rotation while Bri, Jess and I went to a FABOO cafe, Cafe Express. God Bless, the Oasis Bar. Then, bubble tea at Tempest Tea - quite possibly better than Argo. The place was gorgeous and the company even better - even Hong from Austin called on Bri's phone.

Then back to Chez Chen for a round of dessert, yummy home frothed cappacinno, and viewings of Star Wars Spoofs on Atom Films! I am so regretting that I can't stay through Sat. for the dancy dance but perhaps we can all get together for something on Friday.

Right now - I'm relaxing after a morning swim with a lovely tea and an episode of "ER". I'm also chatting with Anne-girl in Champaign, Manda in Italy, Mugs in Chicago, and Jose, who I hadn't spoken to in years, in JAPAN. God Bless high Speed Internet in awesome hotel rooms.

Ok now back to "work". Later kids...