.: ALAGs :.

Angry. Little. Asian. Girl.

I heard it again last night. "I'm into Asian girls."

I shoulda said: "So am I."

But I didn't. Devon pointed out that people should go ahead and say that about all the different kinds of races you're attracted to...

"I'm into I-Tal-ians. My last boyfriend was Italian. Mmmm.. He used to cook me the best pasta dinners. And he had the biggest cock. Bello."

On more ALAG news, not sure if the other sisters out there know it but ALAG Christine, formerly of Austin, currently of Dallas is gettin hitched to the Angry Tall Asian Boy Brian. AND you can order the ALAG bags on target.com

.: update :.

...of sorts..its been so long what's the point really...

So the story to this point is this...

I'd taken ANOTHER break from school... no worries, I'll just finish up in March is all.

I'd burnt alot of old letter and notes and pictures from ten years ago or so... Ten years from my WORST year. ever.

Had a pretty heavy breakdown in front of my mar who's willing to go through counseling with me.. yeah my head's still spinning on that one.

Had my first energy work session and it was awesome and rough all at once.

Dancing again. Fizz every Monday.. ok ' cept for this Monday.

Writing again. not alot but I'll post up what I can in What Should Be Songs

Drawing again. not alot and certainly nothing worth sharing.

Did a random walk on for a student movie as the "distracting hot girl".

Rocking out with live band karaoke. I *heart* being a rockstar.

Watched SpongeBob Squarepants the Movie. AND it twas awesome. Mostly because I listen to Public Radio and his chops were so righteous.

And a bunch of roses are lovely on a randomly sucky day....

Oh and I miss reading everyone's blogs... more sooner than later...

.: Call Me, Don't Call me :.

um, so now that i'm writing again, I'm bitching again too. And the bitch is this.

If you say you are going to call, call.
If you don't call when you say you are going to, bloody well stop apologizing for it. Just call me. Whenever.
Call me when you think of me
Call if you care
or Don't.

Your House - Jimmy Eat World

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could lose you again.

You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

.: Just Like Heaven :.

Read a gorgeous illustrated novel as I was getting my Adrian Tomine fix at the liberry (yes, I've been watching Eternal Sunshine again.) ... Its titled Blankets and its by Craig Thompson. of course what makes it extra special is a panel that refers to this song.

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

"show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"the one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck"
show me how you do it
And i promise you
i promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways i had
To make her glow
"why are you so far away?" she said
"why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you
That i'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone
alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl i loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
YouJust like heaven

Ahem.

Yes its been a long while... but I have just this one thing to say. NUPRIN is now white. That adorable pain relieving pill is NOT YELLOW anymore.

That and I'm graduating in a couple months, I have a table, and will travel. Bring it, Boyeeee!

.:] School [:.

Once, I was under the disteinct impression that a moron didn't want to be with me because he couldn't respect me for NOT having a degree. Something about not really knowing what it takes to work hard for something.

After taking my first class and checking the rest of my class schedule, the actual completion of massage school looks so easy. too easy. There is NO WAY that I can mess this up. I have have so SO MANY people being really supportive. From my friends that are planning a big graduation to the CSMT staff that are really happy that I'm finishing. Then there are my new classmates that are impressed that I took the time off (I never thought about how that might've been a good thing.) Overall everyone is really happy that I'm going to finish.

It's kinda weird that I'm not particularly hyper or spazzy about all of this. Ya know, like I tend to do. but maybe its something different I should get used to doing. A steady burn instead of hyper flame and burn out...

PS I need people to work on shoulder problems. Anyone?

.:] No "Release" [:.

ok, when I see CarrotTop giving a massage on some AT&T commercial I'm kinda feeling I'm part of something skanky.

.:] another random act [:.

so I stop by the CSMT office real quick to pick up my class lists, etc. (I start up again tonight!) I didn't even bother putting a quarter in the meter. Just to pop in and out. It actually took me quite a bit longer as I was catching up with the CSMT crew that congratulated me on coming back.

Well, I rush out to the street and notice that a woman was looking at my meter. I'm thinking I'm getting the first ticket on my as-of-now unnamed car. Then I realise that the woman is dressed up in running gear so I assumed that she was stretching or something against the meter. She ran off and I'd discovered that there was two hours added to the meter! She was wearing headphones so didn't hear me thank her. I had to leave but atleast someone else got to take advantage of a free parking space...

.:] Karaoke [:.

Yeah. That's right. I did it. Karaoke Filipino style. @ Carol's.

What a strange ironing that for all that I complain about karoke in the past... I've been to Carol's every Thursday for the last month and I'm going to be there next Thursday for the Semi Finals in support of the Corn Holes that qualified.

I'm so going to hell. See ya there!

.:] Sweet Jebus [:.

Its been WAY too long... Too long to 'splain, lemme sum up...

-I vaugely remember "feeling up" the dummer at the Rachael Yamagata show. Hey, MK told him I was a massage therapist and who am I to deny a hottie some relief from pain? well, that and I tucked my contact info in his back pocket. I really got to get back to that head hunter in NYC.

-Random phone calls to friends does wonders. I actually got t0 hang out with the elusive swingdoc and her partytom after she just up and decided to call. Got to people point and make fun of the girly girls at street festivals.

-I really really miss blogging on a regular basis. I wish I could say that I'm atleast still journaling but I'm not even doing that really. I've alot of story ideas floating about that I hadn't gotten on paper only b/c I want to post it up on my arts page? Mebbe I'm just not commiting the ideas down period. (oh, geeked to Miss Yamagata that I wrote out her new video. Alas, they just filmed it in Tiajuana. Boo.)

-The redecorating at Mom's is getting more complex. She wants an actual mural now. The patching of the wall is STILL going on b/c parts of it are worse than I thought. Ok, who thinks I should bind my mom to a contract to PAY me for all this work? Shall I remind you that she gave birth to me AND is letting me stay rent free?

-The moron alert is fully operational. Its been doing double duty as of late. Can't say why.

-I would so blow money on finally getting a laptop BUT I just a dental work schedule that gonna cost more than a laptop AND a PC. *sigh*

-ack, see I've actually got all this email work to do but here I am blogging and I'm going to get kicked off of this computer. My brain is so not here. I'm going to home and listen to my brand spankin new CD. Thank you, MK!

.:] From the Hedds mouth [:.

"Hi all,

It's been a while since I wrote you all, but I need to make an
announcement!
(actually two)

First of all, I want to let all of you know that I'm engaged to Matt.
For
those of you who haven't met him yet, he is an old friend (crush) from
high
school. We reunited last fall...and the rest is history.

We have not set a date, but we are planning a small wedding on the
beach in
Hawaii. Start saving!!! Since next year is the family reunion, we are
expecting the wedding to follow in 2006. Everyone in the Philippines
will
get a chance to meet him!

Secondly, I moved back to Chicago last week. I am living at Matt's home
in
the city. I am going to go back to trading stocks. Right now, I'm
just
settling back in and watching lots of Cubs games. We are going to a
game
tonight! Pahtay!

Please forward this to everyone I might have missed."

Well, there ya go. Pretty cool, huh?

.:] It's Official! [:.

Hedds and Matt are engaged!!! *squish* I haven't even heard the entire story yet and I've been admonished for having a big mouth so I'm going to stop right here. well, with the engagement stuff atleast. Geeking hard all week about it has taken its toll.

That and the partying and still being able to get to Crunch child care at 8am. insane. BUT I really really got caught up with the karaoke. It must be aome weird withdrawl after leaving dad's. Oh, and even forgot to sign up for the engagement song, "Fly Me To The Moon." Nonetheless, pretty much closed the place down at 4, went to DG and turn back around to Crunch. Long day, forgot stuff in DG, then back to Floss!, and stayed up to watch Devon's fantabulous film festival. Then went home to the village only wake up five hours later to watch the kiddies...

ok now the real good news! I hit my Avon Walk goal... don't let that stop from still contributing...they're still letting me take contributions till July!

.:] swing dancing [:.

haven't touched upon that subject in a quite a tick.

Just the other day I'd received a package from the Omaha Jitterbugs. In it included, a video tape, a letter of apology, discount tickets for the Cowtown Jamboree this year, and a check for 40 dollars. I'd forgotten I'd won a prize last July. Hell, I'd forgotten my second place trophy at my host families house.

So I went ahead and popped the tape into the player and watched all these great dancers. I can't remember the last time I watched a swing dance tape much less one that I was on. Why hasn't anyone told me my ass pops out so friggin much?

Twas good times. Its hard to beleive that I created so much good and fun stuff with guys I'd just met. I love JnJs. I miss competitions. I miss traveling. I miss being hardcore spazz swing freak. OK not so much on that last one. I just kinda miss the sick passion of it all.

.:] my new brother [:.

*fingers crossed*

He seemed a bit perturbed and annoyed with me. I know that look well. My sisters look at me like that when I squeek out, eventually, with a sheepish smile, that I'd fucked up again.

Well, I kinda sorta fucked up again... *grin* This time involving him. He has a look his very own, one of exhasperation, that involves his eyes bugging out and his jaw dropping a bit.

and, bless him, he sighed slightly and said, "Well... next time. You'll learn from this one."

I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

.:] more great news [:.

but I don't know if I can tell you yet. But its put me in the best of spirits. and now off to get my micetro on, yo. *and you should too!*

Mammary Micetro!!!

May 25th!
Cornservatory (4210 N. Lincoln)
Doors open at 8:00 pm, Games start about 8:45 or 9
BYOB
$5!!!

Come on out and be ready to laugh your little butts off at the Mammary Micetro. This is a short form comedy improv competition that starts with 20 performers and ends with the funniest one left standing.

Who can play? Anyone who wants to. The first 20 people to sign up get to play games as seen on Whose Line is it Anyway? and other great short form comedy improv shows (don't ask me to name another. Please).

What if I don't want to play? We still need an audience! As an audience member, it will be your job to yell out suggestions to our performers, yell "DIE!!!" when our performers screw up, score the quality of the scenes, and laugh until it hurts.

And of course, all of the proceeds from this event will go to the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.

So come on out! May 25th. 4210 N. Lincoln (there are big corn stalks painted on the front of the building - you can't miss it). Five dollars. BYOB. Doors open at 8:00pm. I'll see you there!

.:] my music [:.

I love the perplexed looks I get from kids with their phatty phat headphones. I'm kinda embarrased when I pop out my cassette, flip it over, pop it back in. But I try to do it with some flair, punching the play button, knowing full well that the guy with his white i-pod headphones is reminiscing. Or thinking I'm a fool.

My little sister wonders while I blew cash on a portable CD player not too long ago if I'm going to be lugging around this old Sony Walkman. But I found this PILE of old cassettes! Short list: Rick Astley (swoon.), The Best of Bahaus, The Cure Compilation - an Import, Tanita Tikaram, a quirky collection of Filipino/Tagalog pop tapes, ooooo and a tape of our live interview for Selling Spice (interviewed BY Arif!)

i don't care. I'll prolly end up listening to them all and slowly discarding them. but right now The Sundays are in the playa.

the sundays-can't be sure

give me a story & give me a bed
give me possessions
oh love luck and money they go to my head like wildfire
it's good to have something to live for
you'll find live for tomorrow
live for a job & a perfect behind
high time

a-ah

england my country the home of the free
such miserable weather
but England's as happy as England can be why cry

and did you know desire's a terrible thing the worst that I could find
and did you know desire's a terrible thing but I rely on mine

a-ah

England my country the home of the free
such miserable weather
but England's as happy as England can be why cry

and did you know desire's a terrible thing
the worst that I could find
and did you know desire's a terrible thing
but I rely on mine

did you know desire's a terrible thing
it makes the world go blind
but if desire, desire's a terrible thing
you know that I really don't mind

It's my life
& it's my life
& though I can't be sure what I want any more
it will come to me later

well it's my life
& it's my life
& though I can't be sure if I want any more
it will come to me later... ah
yeah

.:] The Return of Queen Bea [:.

I refer to her as Hedds, but I'll usually introduce her as Bea. My sister, by older sister by choice, not by age. She's coming back to Chicago for sure. Most probably in July and I can't wait.

It'd be wonderful timing since I'd just be starting up school again. She's been one of my great supporters and harshest critic as well. It'd be nice to know that she's near.

Plus, the chances of all three Auza sisters partying at the same time... greater and ROCKSTAR!

.:] Negative Nancy [:.

man, that last post was sad. Ok, now to be honest, it really wasn't a bad day yesterday. Just a passing negative cloud.

Actual list of good things:

- Got to play fake baseball and discuss Sosa and Alou with a five year old. Its kinda nice to talk to a Cubs fan that's got the same amount of player knowledge that I do.

-Had a crying screaming cranky child fall asleep in my arms. Much like the banging your head against the wall theory. All the pain and trouble are all worth it when it finally stops.

- Got an offer for a nanny position in June. we'll see.

- ALOT of tips at the juice bar. Well, alot more than usual, don't know why.

- Crazy ass adventure in the downpour and inspiration for more writing.

- Finally, got to the end point of some phone tag (of sorts). Much like the banging your head against the wall theory, well worth the trouble when it finally stops.

.:] Red Flags [:.

i have all sorts of little red flags going up. I could potentially be on a slippery slope. I've been hiding, not writing, working and hating it. i mean I think its a good thing that I've been busy, and that I've been making a bit more money but... i dunno there's a BIG BUT. No, I don't think its all about the work and the communting...

I'm getting all tense b/c things are going well? Does that sound as stupid as it looks? I have all these people that are literally happy/jumpy/clapping that I'm finishing up school and I'm happy about that but deep down I'm completely creeped out that I'm going to fail and disappoint them.

Not me. Me. Not me not having a career. Not me not having money. Not me not being self-sufficient finally. I'm not worried or scared about being post thirty and lame. I'm worried that I'm going to see a glance of disappointment.

Even that fear's not a great motivator. I dunno there's gotta a balance somewhere's...

All in all there's good news esp on the Avon Walk front. More on that in that blog...

.:] So Long [:.

It feels like its been forever since the last time I've posted. I kinda miss the days where I could just sit in from of the monitor and crap out various things multiple times a day. I don't know why it feels as though grabbing my journal and getting a pen to paper is much more difficult.

Well, the last few times I have been able to get in front of computer. Its mostly been for Avon Walk bidness. or else getting my financial aid taken care of for school.

well, to update, not missing too much some of the same old same old for now. Works been fine. Waiting for the street festival season to swing in and then we'll be seeing alot more bunny sightings. Alot of walking and commuting, so I've been reading or listening to British Fiction. I'm on an Agatha Christie kick for the books, revisiting Inspector Morse and Brother Cadfael episodes on VHS, and wondering what sort of introspective I might have found on the Gosford Park DVD.

Apologies to my readers, since this is all incredibly dull. Perhaps I'll bring in my journal tomorrow and post up siome of those.

well, that's all for now gotta breakdown the wheatgrass juicer...

.:] great news! [:.

I'm doing the Avon Walk.. and I'm staring up school again in July!

.:] word vomit [:.

Let's see what I can puke out in a few minutes:

[strong]Mean Girls:[/strong] go see it. Esp if you've the boobs and vagina combination. Esp if high school seriously sucked for you. I {heart} Tina Fey. And has anyone read "Queen Bees and Wannabees"? I'll certainly go on about it again when i see it again.

[strong] M. Night Shamyalan:[/strong] He's ABC/Disney's bitch. If ya didn't notice he was hosting his own network showing of "Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakable". That guy has an ego like Hitchcock's. Even has bit parts for himself in his movies. I remember think I didn't like him all that much when I first met him. And sure I think he's talented as all hell. I still think hosting your own DVD or movie is pretty lame ass.

[strong] Money: [/strong] Hate it. Hate not having it. Hate owing it. Even when I do have it I can't enjoy it I get all nervous... nonetheless still gotta deal with it.

finally, I wish I had more internet access...

.:] Things Overheard Today [:.

"Its a little too late for Easter"

"Are you a girl bunny or a boy bunny? Come on, you can tell me"

"Go Bunny, go bunny, go bunny"

Yup... that's right.... out bein' the bunny again today. In the Daley Plaza around noon, I was doing about a half hour of dancing/waving/aerobics. I even got to dance with Ronald McDonald.

No kidding. McDonald's is really really trying to shake its UNhealthy image. I'd overheard one of their reps all concerned that "Supersize Me" the documentary is out this weekend....

AND I got jacked from behind by a woman. It was noon. I don't think I can blame alcohol.

.:] hehe [:.

my new boss just asked if I ever considered becoming a waitress... hmmm... a waitress in the Walnut Room... naw.

ok I'm out of here. Read my avon walk blog I finally added to it. PS. drop me a contribution.

.:] Like temping but not...[:.

Like my times with Kelly Services... under the radar internet usage... getting paid waay too much for the little I do.... hours upon hours of booooredom... and yet another UCKLY ID photo.

The difference is I get to make smoothies and actually talk to the people that hang out at the juice bar. Other MF employees. Alot of visitors from out of town. Who am I kidding its ALOT like temping. It makes me want to get a real job and get a real paycheck so I can really shop here.

I'm really getting frustrated with not having a real paycheck. For someone who'd, a long time ago subscribed to living a starving artist's life, I'm having to deal with reality. Fucking reality. Why couldn't I have lived in the time of the Medici where you earned your lifestyle with your talent. Hell, I might have just ended up with a huge medieval debt that could only be paid off with my blood.

I'm coming to a happy medium I believe. Once I really graduate from massage school, it will be genuine. I love being able to barter my services, my talent. Wow. THAT is going to be my career. Ugh.. I'm getting the heebie jeebies again. I gotta get over this so I don't go back to temping again or worse.... food service.

.:] just words [:.

Listen. I'm tired of promises that get broken. I'm done with plans that get wrecked. Also done with hopes that turn into disappointment. I'm tired of lies and just words that mean just nothing. If you are going to do it, just do it. Its surprisingly simple.

.:] A potential problem [:.

So now I've another item to add to my Crunch resume. I'm now working at the Crunch Shop in Marshall Fields - a few shifts. I get to pick up my discount card tomorrow. Do you all see where this is going? Sure if you don't have money you can't spend it. But but but I *am* going to have money and this place is pretty awesome...

Any one want to meet me for tea? I'm hoping to get the discount on a cuppa Earl Grey and a scone.

.:] mmm.... playstation 2...[:.

From tjmweb:

PlayStation 2 Better Than Sex?
In case you doubted the power of the videogame...

ok. like I don't think I'm getting enough competition from other women... or gay men for that matter. And its bad enough I lose video games but to lose A GUY to video game system... *sigh*

.:] Addendum [:.

- He's got to have read "A Wrinkle In Time" and know why I make a huge deal about it.

actually now that I think about it.. I did know a fellow who read the book for the sole purpose of trying to get to know me better... I'm thinking I dodged a bullet there.

.:] Happy List [:.

real quick as I am borrowing access from nana and erwick...

Things That Are Making Me Grin

1. I just got a call from Rachakate on *her* birthday.

2. High Fidelity. NOT the movie but the BOOK, the AUDIO BOOK that I got from the liberry. I adore the John Cusack movie but the book is a zillion times more funny and horrifically insightful. Ditto that for another Nick Hornby book, How To Be Good.

3. Bill. Every time I see that overexposed Apprentice mug somewhere in the media, I become a bigger dork than I already am. You shoulda seen me in the Avon Walk office this past Friday when I'd discovered one of the ladies in the office is close friends with him.... *geek* (I think I've mentioned at one point or another that I can go from 0 to six crushes in a minute.)

4. Walking in warm weather and singing to the Sundays cassette I'd unearthed.

5. Getting shit done. I don't know what it is exactly but I'm getting loads more accomplished these last few days than I usually would at my Pops. That includes all the commuting.

6. Hanging with my sisters. For example, I'd spent the day Sunday enjoying weather with my mom, the sistas, and their repective boyfriends playing a wicked intense game of Pictionary. Then it was Kill Bill 2 which I gladly sprung for b/c each one of them has made life a little bit easier for me these last few weeks. Then CHINA BUFFET!

.:] paper journal [:.

so with my very limited time on the internet.. I'll say this.. its strange to know that I've all this junk on my journal that I would gladly share with ya all ifn I could but I can't so I'm not going to bother unless you ask to see it which is all good and you can even see the sketches I've been doing which I can never include on this blog anyways. Also, I love sunny spring, the fact that Hedds is in town, that I get to borrow my mom's wicked car tonight to go and get ma Fizz on. That and rent Kill Bill 2 or go to the matinee and do some jumpin'. Oh and come to me n MK's fundraiser on May 14th at Jefferson Tap (MORE DETAILS LATER!) and oh and gimme some money (to of course hand off to my AvonWalk)

.:] yawn [:.

...nothin' quite like riding the Red Line sober @ 4 am... Here I was thinking I'm completely useless at work at this hour of the morning.. wow.. was i wrong... then again it could be the Red Bull... which unfortunately reminds me of JagerBombs... ick.. and the internet.. godbless technology... now back to pretending I'm actually earning my paycheck...

.:] I {heart} Bill [:.

i don't generally follow the reality shows but in the last four weeks I've been ON TOP of The Apprentice. There is some surprisingly good dramam in there. And I've been behind Bill for the majority of the time. If only because he's Loyola Alum {Go Ramblers! wtf is a Rambler?} and a Chicago boy AND he so much reminds me of one my best boys. I am so thrilled that he finally won the show AND is in charge of the Chicago Trump Hotel project. I'm invested b/c its going to be a big part of the Chicago skyline and will be replacing the Sun-Times Building. Its difficult to believe that a looming modern peice of architecture will be standing behind the Wrigley Building.... I can't wait to see the designs...

.:] ack. [:.

I could give y'all an update on my situation but I posted up already.

Instead I'm just going to write about today. I miss being able to just blog a bit. I've been journaling quite a bit more, I should be sitting on my pile soon enough {I'd met another Anais Nin fan last night}.

My ego is a bit bruised but its for the best really. I've so much shit going on I can't be begging for more drama in my life. So instead I am here with my sister Hedds, watching the Cubs game, chillin', and waiting for Nana afore we go out to take in this lovely weather...

To compound ideas from Eternal Sunshine: what of the coincidences of people that reoccur in your life? A glitch in the Matrix? Fate trying to tell you something? Take for instance, Hedds and Matt. An interesting series of events including classmates.com, dreams, and the Cubs Playoffs. Or bloody Number Five {I'm due for another mysterious encryptic message} Or woodwork, for that matter. I think I'm just going to sit here with my eyes closed, my fingers in my ears, humming off key, ignoring the messages from the universe...

.:] Springtime in da 'hood [:.

More gang tags on the garages and sidewalks... The venders pushing their carts and honking their horns... the ice cream truck coming around blasting that horrific noise at 8:30PM... The neighbors blasting their music out the windows as they are washing their cars with buckets of water on the side of the street.... Larger groups of people out on the porch of the building I'd always suspected housed drug dealers.

And now I'm gone... out of the hood and into the burbs...

.:] Yellow Kick [:.

Getting down to the roots again.. and I'm getting so obssesed with that damned "Worn Down Song". Check out some more stuff from Rachael Yamagata.

So the plan is to cut out of town for a few days. But come back to a heavy weekend. Friday- 9th Annual Asian American Showcase. Who's coming with me and my classmate Kimmer? {not you dev, there are asians all over the place.} Hedds comes in that night too I think...

Saturday, work, I think. Then Floss! Hopefully with Mar and the Sisters. So I was thinking I was going to work in some Filipino dancing to impress Mar and probably one of my Titas that will be coming with her. SO I actually found some tinikling footage < warning there's a stupid ad before the dancing starts>. Anyone have any leads where I can find some more? But then there's a HUGE AA concert. I'm afraid I'm going to run into alot of old ghosts but the show will totally be worth it. Jenny Choi. Nuff' said.

If I recover, I'll go to the rest of the festival on Sunday. There's a even Greg Pak short involving Margaret Cho?... mebbe...

.:] Ok, Fizz-sters...[:.

Name the dorky brown dude in the photo below - from Metromix

.:]..Style...Style..[:.

This is the awesomest video EVAH.. the editing always blows me away.. and it comes from a surprisingly good movie...

.:] Congrats! [:.

Yay! to Sagar whose latest soundtrack's movie has continued to do really really well! He gets kudos in this article.

This interview also discusses how difficult it can be to cast for brown characters.. *Looking at you, Arif*

.:] Video Writer [:.

Listening to this song from Rachael Yamagata over and over again, reminded me of you, Sagar. Hanging out with you and Glenn, reminded me of your movies, Arif. Listening to you freak out, reminded to write while I'm still inspired, Dev. So driving home today, I saw/wrote this. Sorta.

.:] ...now I understand... [:.

why the morons are morons. Thanks tdj!

"This is only fair, since the pursuit of sex tends to make us all so very, very dumb."

However, for all the nookie they do end up getting... why is it they don't learn?

.:] Off the Charts [:.

He was one of my best friends ever. He had the awesomest phoenix tattoo with his Chinese names inscribed. He would pick me up from work on his motorcycle. We would spend hours upon hours watching anime and sci-fi flicks. We'd smoke up and watch Ninja Scroll. He'd cook me all kinds of Chinese cuisine and pointed out that stabbing your chopsticks into a bowl of food was a no-no.

I would sleep over all the time in his bad he'd made to look like a screened Japanese tea room. Yet as my friend/bartender, Sooch, would say, "no huggin', no smoochin'?" None. Pure unadulterated spooning. Then he would wake me up with the gentle soundtracks from Ghost in the Shell or even Macross Plus.

KANNO Yoko/Sharon Apple - Voices (Myung's Song)

hitotsu me no kotoba wa yume
The first word was "dream"
nemuri no naka kara
From the middle of my sleep
mune no oku no kurayami wo
Which secretly accompanies
sotto tsuredasu no
the darkness in my heart
futatsu me no kotoba wa kaze

The second word was "wind"
yukute wo oshiete
Directing my journey
kamisama no ude no nake he
From God's arms,
tsubasa wo aoru no
Fanning wings

tokete itta kanashii koto wo
As if counting
kazoeru you ni
the melting sorrows,
kin'iro no ringo ga
Yet another golden
mata hitotsu ochiru
apple fell

mita koto mo nai fuukei
Not even looking at the scenery,
soko ga kaeru basho
There is the place you're going
tatta hitotsu no inochi ni
With merely a single life,
tadoritsuku basho
You struggle to reach that place

furui mahou no hon
An old magic book;
tsuki no shizuku your no tobari
moondrops; the curtain of night --
itsuka kaeru yokan dake
Only a premonition of meeting someday

we can fly
we have wings
we can touch floating dreams
call me from so far
through the wind
in the light

mittsu me no kotoba wa hum . . .
The third word was "hum" . . .
mimi wo sumashitara
Caught by straining ears
anata no furueru ude wo
As I softly release
sotto tokihanatsu
your trembling arms

He was the director of an acting troupe where I was an actress and writer of scenes. All was well until people kept asking me what was going on. Then, when I asked him for what everyone else had assumed, I had asked for too much. That and some brotherhood dealy with his best friend who was my Number Seven, a few years earlier. But we'd stayed great friends throughout. Though I clearly remember bawling my eyes out over him and the dates he'd gone onto have - with some of MY close friends. Eh, he introduced me to Dune and gave me dear dear Dulce...I still consider him a great friend.

.:] Three Is A Magic Number [:.

He shouldn't even be counted. I don't even really want to think about him. But there he was on the television - a quasi-public access show.

We were good friends. Worked together on several different projects in college. Then, I broke up with my first love and he created a mixed tape for me that for some reason had this heart-wrenching song.

Janet Jackson - Again

I heard from a friend today
And she said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind

How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again

A wounded heart you gave
My soul you took away
Good intentions you had many
I know you did

I come from a place that hurts
And God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return
never fall again

Making love to you
Oh it felt so good and
Oh so right

So here we are alone again'
Didn't think it'd come to this
And to know it all began
With just a little kiss

I've come too close to happiness
To have it swept away
Don't think I can take the pain
No never fall again

Kinda late in the game and my heart is in
Your hands
Don't you stand there and then
Tell me you love
Me then leave again
Cause I'm falling in love with
You again

Hold me
Hold me
Don't ever let me go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows I do
Love you
Again

I was so vulnerable. He took advantage of it. What's worse wasn't the injustice I'd felt he'd done but that I tried to right all lies and betrayals. And there he is grinning on TV. There was no real justice then like there is none now.

.:] With Gusto [:.

My favorite-est with gusto yet:

.:] Casshern [:.

Ok I got the lead on this movie from tdj ages ago. but I was having problems with my computer at the time so.. nothin'

Then Filmtease does a review on it so I FINALLY get to see it, with the commentary from the boys reeling off in my head.

I have a little trailer review of my own. Dude, the age of the live action anime/manga is upon us!!! I'm almost afraid of watching the actual movie because I will most definitely be making Goofy/orgasm noises as I'm taking in the eye candy. Its so classic! Right down to the single sword stroke down the middle of the evil giant robot. I swear, there's a beautiful shot that is just a live action shot from Battle Angel.

I think I've been a bit jaded with the pyrotechnics of movies as of late. Mebbe because I've come to appreciate the stripped down simple stuff. Geez to even say the movies I've like are basic makes it sound as though they are lame in comparison. I usually chose the quiet drama of stage bare Our Town over wild and wacky Broadway productions. Yeah, I think I might have to give the heads up to the guys at Brainstorm to be sure they try to get this...and so I can watch it in the privacy of my own home.

.:] Number One [:.

He was adorable. Really very cute. I couldn't even tell you how it all started. Something about the very first Sweetest Day and hugs.

It started unraveling when our relationship was distracting him from his pre-med program. I was going to distract the man from becoming a doctor. So his parents grounded him. All the way from Kentucky. He had to give his Matthew Sweet tickets to another guy I ended up having a crush on.

Everytime a relationship unravels Matthew Sweet is there with the Break Up triumvirate to set me in tears: Looking at the Sun, Thought I Knew You, You Don't Know Me

.:] At the Movies [:.

It was horrible. Three incredible movies in a row and now I can't seem to recover...

Went on a movie marathon with devon (I honestly can't think of a nickname) and belcanto. To be honest twas awesome. So awesome we continued the evening joining belcanto at the bars with her friends...

but onto the movies:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: I could go on and on about this movie. I got to an interesting interview with Charlie Kaufman with Charlie Rose the day before. Also annapan had an insightful entry: Check out "I want brain damage." It was pointed out to me how it was filmed in the way that memory works. The loss of detail. The brain mapping is and interesting part of memory I 've been fascinated with as of late - esp. since I've been trying to be more aware of my brain process. I was kinda distracted thinking if I want brain damage or not myself SO I NEED to see this again very soon.

Big Fish- Wow. I so needed to see this. I'm discovering my life is going really well however, I've very dissatisfied with my relationship with my father. This movie really kinda captured the situation and a fear I have that one of us is going to die without resolving anything. The movie is incredibly entertaining and Ewan is dreamy. I gotta see this again.

City of God - I don't know if I'm ready to write about this. I seriously suffered some crazy physical stress watching this movie. I will probably never watch this movie again. However, it will stay with me for the rest of my life. Kinda like the way American Me did. I'm disgusted with certain events in the movies but I understand that it is the nasty real part of life.

I left the theatre feeling really kinda sickened and depressed despite the AMAZING movies, the great time, and the good friends. Luckily, I think after talking about the shows with devon and belcanto I slowly came to the realization I've had this cloud of dread looming over my head.

Clementine: This is it Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

I'm just going to try to enjoy it. All of it. The stress. The dread. The happiness. The success. The enjoyment.

.:] City of God [:.

GO see it. NOW. Just don't have a chicken dinner before hand. Then get back to me...

.:] Biking Chicago [:.

These last few late nights I've been biking well after midnite. Its a strangely liberating feeling being able to coast the streets and sidewalks at will. I guess I've become a little less gun shy to getting into an accident. I've my awesome headlights, helmet, flashing armband and my new bike safety skills to help me feel safer. I can't wait to join a Critical Mass or the LATE Nite Ride in July. I'd been looking forward to it every year but for some reason or another I didn't do it. I am soooo glad I got that bike.

.:] What's so attractive about... [:.

my ass that makes moving vehicles feel the need to aim themselves at it?

On my way to work this morning, my rear tire got clipped by a car as I was going through the intersection. The very first morning I take my new bike out onto the street and the bloody rear tire frame is out of wack. I went ahead and rode it to work. I remembered a bike shop on the way home on North Ave. Name escapes me for the moment. The guy who ended up salvaging my rim was a saint and devil in disguise. He'd informed me that if only I took the time to take down the license plate he woulda bashed in the windowsheild. Yuppers I'm going back there. Another bonus - they had a free sample that had Gavin McGraw, Rachel Yamagata, Crystal Method, and Stereophonics.

.:] 4teen [:.

We once stood behind a couple of girls that were on what must have been their monthly visit to the grocery store. Giggling, they gingerly put the plastic bar behind all their purchases placed on the conveyer belt. He put down the box of condoms and put another plastic bar behind it.

He was awesome like that. I knew he was embarrassed while I thought it frickin' funny. We were so different. I knew dating me was pushing his envelope so it wasn't horribly surprising that it had to end. But for some reason it hurt the most. Looking back, probably the most understanding and patient person I've ever met.

The Soggy Bottom Boys - Man of Constant Sorrow

(In constant sorrow through his days )
I am a man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my day.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.
(The place where he was born and raised )
For six long years I've been in trouble
No pleasures here on earth I found
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.

He has no friends to help him now
It's fare thee well my old lover
I never expect to see you again
For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon this train.

Perhaps he'll die upon this train.
You can bury me in some deep valley
For many years where I may lay
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.

While he is sleeping in his grave.
Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore.
He'll meet you on God's golden shore

.:] Moment of Silence [:.

The 96' Chevy S10 I've been driving around for the last month is dead. who am I kiddin'. Its been alot of trouble in the last few weeks. Getting it towed. Getting rear ended.....

Went out to karaoke, meet up friends and reunite with one of my bartenders. Right before I bloody get there. Nothing. The truck just stopped moving. Luckily I had Devon on the phone as it was happening. He came out of the bar in time to push me in a parking spot that miraculously appeared. Another couple was crossing the street as we were trying to maneuver the car into place. They helped push the car and then said they had to do the same thing the week before. Um, I'm so the proponent of good karma.

Also my good luck that Tom Walsh showed up last night. Tom Walsh knows the best mechanics, or so I have been told. Well, this morning they picked up the truck and then called a few hours later to tell me that the engine is completely dead. He wanted to know what I did to it.

I honestly tried to take care of that thing. But everytime I'd pointed out that the "Service Engine Soon" light came on, I would tell my Pops, who then would just blow it off. So this time, I was thinking I would take care of it myself, sent it to the mechanics, and fix whatever was wrong with the engine. ('cause I do know a little bit about cars). So I guess I saved my self a lot of cash and trouble. AND its a real good thing that I bought that bike, I'm through with tech week, and the weather is loads better! *knock on wood*

.:] Number Five [:.

We would play video games and watch anime all hours of the day.
"You keep chasing. You'll lose that way," he'd tell me as we'd play Mortal Kombat. Soon after that, "Finish Her!!," a quick flurry of pressed buttons, and he'd be right. Again.

A shake of a tin of fruit drops and I'd be all smiles again. He would play me Shonen Knife in the car when we'd drive into town to get new manga.

Then he'd left me for Japan. When he returned, everything was different. The song sounded different. He left me. Outside.

Shonen Knife - Music Square

I am very happy tonight
We could be here today
I was waiting for a long time
To come to music square
When you sing the song that i love
I can't stop the beating of my heart
I don't know why

I am very happy tonight
I could be close to you
I was waiting for a long time
To come to music square

Every song i will give to you
I want you to have a merry day

I am very happy tonight
I could see the beautiful stars
I've been waiting for a long time
To come on music square

When you gently play your guitar
I can't stop the beating of my heart
I don't know why

I am very happy tonight
We could be here today
I was waiting for a long time
To come to music square

I don't know how it's going to end
But i hope that we can meet again

I am very happy tonight
I could be close to you
I was waiting for a long time
To come to music square

So come on music square.

.:] Bunny Quiz [:.

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

.:] Sometimes I Wonder [:.

House Of Love - I Don't Know Why I Love You

I don't know why I love you
Your face is a hammer in my head
I remember every word you said
I just don't know why I love you
I don't know why I care
I never even liked your hair
I feel like a seven heir
But I don't know why I love you

Television turns me on
When the summer's hot
And the spirit's thrown
How can I get close to you
When you got no mercy
No, you got no mercy
No you got no...
I don't know why I love you

Your face is a foreign food
I really don't know if I should
I just don't know why I love you
I don't know why I care
I duck and I weave and I fight
I work just to treat you right
God, I don't know why I love you
Ha, ha, ha
I don't know why I love you
It might be your soul and your heart Maybe it's the way that you speak
I don't why I love you

Television turns me on
When the summer's hot
And the spirit's thrown
So, how can I get close to you
When you got no mercy
No, you got no mercy
No you got no...
I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I care
I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I love you
And I don't know why I care

.:] Jesus Freaks [:.

Ok, you Passion phreeks... you know who you are... don't ever let it come to this! Spread the Good Word.

.:] Of Love and Other Demons [:.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

.:] A Good Kind Of Tired [:.

I'm exhausted.

And its cause I had a full day and just when I so just want to NOT go into rehearsal tonight I'm glad I did. Working on the choreography tonight had me really analyze my character with in the dance solo. Since the character is s'posed to go through a change within the dance, I get to pace or place the beats of the transformation in the dance. So I was given the choreography and the form and song which to follow but I get to make choices and choreograph and manipulate that dance. It was/is hard and I LOVE it. There's a lesson in there somewhere but I'm going to sleep on it.

.:] Not Too Hot [:.

I'm feeling rather cold really. Nothing to do with the weather really either. I'm getting down on myself after some disappointing news.

Its interesting this talent I have for being wacky and cheering people on and making people laugh. et most of the time I can't do that for myself. I'm sure I've oodles of silver linings to be found in this fog as of late yet... I'm still in a bit of a fog.

First, after tonight's rehearsal, I think its actually sinking in that I'm learning a solo for a performance that's going up in less than two weeks. I'm doing really well considering I just learned it last night. I'll be outstanding I'm sure. I just need to get it drilled in with the music... Its been a hassle having the rehearsals cutting into my work schedule but I'm getting another kind of payoff, I think.

I've been really turned off of Lindy this past month. Awful that it comes after an inspirational workshop. Alas, the disappointment of Black and Tan among other things, I dunno, just don't get me dancing anymore. Annimal and da Unicorn will be at Fizz this week. Those two will atleast get me out on the floor. I'm lucky that Floss! has been working my creative juices.

And then work. The Front Desk staff has been reduced. I, for example, have one day a week. HOWEVER, my boss has mentioned that this is also because he wants to put me on a new promotions team. Something something about making sure my salary reflects that. I wasn't paying attention b/c I'd noticed that some *morons* were kept on front desk schedule and not me. What does that say about my way of thinking? A new prospect comes along and I'm still looking behind me....

Ok I'm done with the Negative Nancy routine. If'n y'all wanna check out the American Girl kickin' it Beboian Style, I'll open the can o' whoop ass every Saturday night at the Cornservatory starting the 27th of March.

.:] Tessa Fall Down [:.

Well, I had this enormous entry on my LJ but seemed to have lost it. So I will tell the story here. Instead. And have me a pint of Guinness to celebrate St. Pat's. Too.

If I hadn't mentioned it before, snowboarding has, for a long amount of time, been on my list of 25 Things to Experience Before I Die. Here I was one morning, in Jackson Hole almost convincing myself I really didn't want to. Then the Infamous Dyers interjected and I ended up getting me all signed up in Level One classes.

Trust me when I tell you I looked FANTABULOUS in my snow gear. I did not look as faboo skating around on my board trying to figure out if I am goofy or normal (in snowboard terms smartass). I finally settled on normal and my snowboard instructors heaved us up onto the ski lift after our first hour of instruction.

Twas a fabulous sight! If ever you get a chance to visit Jackson Hole, even if you aren't the snow sport type, you will so appreciate the beauty of the mountain. This is what I did while riding up, by myself. Well, that and watching an instructor carve into the snow and shouting up the mountain, ".. its that easy." True to his word, a small boy carved a path right towards his teacher a stopped perfectly next to him.

Soon I realized that the lift had slowed down and that my instructor was standing to the side of the exit ramp helping people off the chairs. I made sure the normal (left) nose of my board was pointing out and I shifted my weight to push myself off the back of the chair. My teacher hooked his arm in the crook of my left arm and skated me down the ramp. Easy Peasy. I was clear. Didn't have my head bashed in like the instructors had warned us would happen if we didn't move quick enough forward.

My teacher asked if I was ok. I said yes and he let go. I attempted to skate my way down the slope towards my other classmates when I felt my right foot slip off the board. I looked to see my foot try to place itself on the board. But this time I watched my foot slip right off behind. I tried to stop myself with that foot. and I did for moment before I had the board sliding itself back up the slope. Its somewhere around this point that I fell forward. Then I heard something. A pop. A crack. I did not have the time or wit to decipher it because suddenly there was this burning BURNING pain in my knee. Then I started screaming.

All I could think about was my sister's history with her ACL. In fact she had surgery (again) on Monday to reconstruct it. I calmed down enough to roll myself over and keep my leg straight. My instructor was there right away and unstrapped my boot from the board. He asked how I was doing and told me the ski patrol was on the way.

As I waited, I radioed over to my Morley Manor housemates: "You know how I said I was going up the lift? I fell down. And the ski patrol is going to come and get me." Without fail, someone radioed back,"Is he cute?", right before a pleasant face loomed over me asking how I was doing....

more later...

I'm icing my knee at the moment. Rehearsals have aggravated the knee again. Besides, Ty Ty the HOT Medical guy is in the next section.. I don't see the point of continuing this story without illustrations...

.:] I'm doing fine... [:.

and that's ok. No, it's really better than ok. It's been pretty awesome this month and I'm trying to reassure myself that...it's ok. More later.

.:] eh? [:.

I dunno.

Dunno why I'm up. Got to sleep VERY learly this morning and I'm pretty much awake. Any ideas?

Dunno if I'm just going to switch entirely to LJ. I've been done with the new template but won't put it up b/c it looks stupid with the Blogspot ad. They aren't allowing upgrades yet so I haven't haven't figured out another way to move that damn ad. Any ideas?

Dunno if I can move right away. I could but now I find out at work that they're going to cut the staff down SO I might not even have a job. I sincerely want to believe that they will NOT let The Bunny go, however, not going to count chickens a'fore they are hatched. Ok, so that one I just kinda have to ride out ad be on my best behaviour.

Dunno if I should try to get a roommate. I know of alot of folks that are looking for an apt. I even know a few super cool leads looking for a place to live when they finally move to Chicago. I've been doing my search on the assumption that my living space will be used for massage/work space as well. I think it be rude for me to keep bringing in clients and having to ask for the space and privacy. So any ideas?

Dunno if I should just go ahead and go to the gym early and work out before kickboxing class. It be better than going in the class, cold, off the street. Besides since Jackson Hole, I've been slackin' cause of injury. I gotta get back on the horse. I'm thinking I may have to kinda sleep on it.

What I know for sure. Kickboxing. Orange. Sushi Wabi. Kate Time. Kim Time. Kitty Time. Floss! Studio X.

.:] Sewiously [:.

For all my bitching about being home, this last hour has been the pinnacle. I'm getting out of here. I know its kinda foolish to think that I should just move out on my own with out my income *still* not stablized but I have to wonder how much of my life would be so much more normal if I didn't HATE where I am right now? Shit, I mean how lame is it that I can understand that they are talking about me. One, b/c they are STILL that loud and two, I CAN understand part of the language. duh.

Ack I have to so much more to write but I seriously can't sit here and attempt to keep typing..... and I have to take a piss but CAN'T b/c the BLOODY FRIGGIN TOILET is GONE!!!

.:] No really, I hate being a bitch [:.

Watch out... Bitch session... And its may not make a lot of sense so lets' see if I can keep it to 5 sentences.

1. Pops is changing the toilet for an embarrassingly stupid reason, taking up the bathroom floor while he's at it.

2. I *cannot* bear the smell of Filipino cooking in this house... Yes, CC this makes *no* sense.

3. I really really have stuff to write and get done on the computer today but all this noise and smell is driving me mad.

4. I've ear plugs and the CD player on HIGH. Again. Ignoring my Pops invitation to lunch on what ever that is.

5. I'm being the American Girl that I don't want to be.

Not to give away my character in the new show, but I am making choices that are so apart from the way I act at home.. Its kinda weird. I'm losing sense of what I really think of other cultures. Yeah, generally I'm pretty open minded and very curious and polite to people from other cultures. But at home I'm a complete rude bitch. Not completely sure why.

It was a big part of the session with my therapist yesterday. However, it was getting to be very apparent that I was getting way agitated at even the prospect of having a conversation with my Pops that we put a pin in it.

.:] Robot Stories the Review [:.

Normally I woulda just let this go. In fact, I'd missed the viewing on Sunday b/c I was stuck in the Burbs. But I went tonight. Primarily b/c "Greg Pak" posted in my comments. So I didn't let it go...

Robot Stories had two strikes against it as I entered Facets tonight. One, I tend to get hyper-critical of Asian American work, particularly film. Either I really really like it or I think its pretty insipid. Two, I'd read the review of the film in the Reader this week. That review pretty much ripped it up. But I figured, hey, I wasn't really up for dancing and I certainly didn't want to walk into a potential karaoke fest at home.

For one thing, I would want EVERYONE to see is the animation in the beginning credits. I've been concerned lately that my scientific and geek intellect isn't up to snuff. But I got it! I got the joke! (and several techie/geek references throughout *pat on back*)

Then the movie started and it was disappointing, at the beginning. The first story kinda lost me. The relationships weren't engaging. Period. Then after the robot baby was presented all I could think of was South Park's Stan's Canadian lil brother.

Second story.. Interesting.. Very nostalgic... To my childhood (having SERIOUS Battle of the Planets flashbacks) as well as my relationship with my mother. And I really dug the 70's snapshot filter used on the flashbacks. If there's one thing I'm taking away from that story, it is this: I'm cleaning up my room. *yawn* But tomorrow. But before I cross any streets.

Third: I really enjoyed this one. Much more to the characters and better cast. Reminded me of my last boyfriend for some reason. hmmmm... OK, I really want one of you screenwriters to see this scene and tell me if the improvement in the writing or what in this one. From this one: I want to make servo sounds ALL the time.

Fourth: I really really liked this one. All the connections were clear and drove the idea and the plot. Excellent cast 'cept for the son.. I wanted to kinda shoot him. Not dead, but enough to get him to shut up. This story is the one I want to see as an entire film. I really would like to see this concept and storyline really fleshed out.

Then again... I am thinking of how A.I. and Matrix saturated themselves in the dialogue of humanity and technology. I didn't care for them as much. I like Animatrix more, for instance. Easier little concept caplets for me to swallow perhaps? Or more efficient stories that get you think of the possibilities and not of the special effects....

I dunno. Someone watch this and let me know if I'm being hypercritical or what... and I want to talk more about it without worrying about teasers! Its Still playing in NYC and Chicago and opens LA next week. Oh, and stay til the end of the credits!!! ;)

.:] LMAO [:.

This tdj guy cracks ma shitup. Inspired by this worth1000.com contest: Far Side cartoons made real! he made his own...

Is it creepy to list someone on your friends list when you never ever met them but are tired of filtering through your friend's friend list just so you can read his brilliantly funny brain at work?

.:] Jeezy Creezy Bloopers [:.

Found a blurb about this article concerning the blooper reel of Gibson's film about Jeezy Creezy on CC's blog. This one's my favorite...


The Last Supper. Jesus is in the upper room with his disciples. Judas (Luca Lionello) is seated nearby.

Jesus: If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world – ah, Christ.

Judas: Hateth you.

Jesus: Who’s on first, right?

Judas: [laughs]

Jesus: [rolls eyes at camera] John could write gospel, but, you know, could he write dialogue?

Off Camera: [laughter] Cut!

.:] My Boy(s) [:.

Funny. I was just starting this entry when Rocco, my boy, calls. This after MONTHS of phone tag. I was going to say how much I miss my boys. Not boyfriends, not lovers. My Boys.

Boys that are my weekend boyfriends. Boys that I can talk to about anything. Boys that will give me loverly little kisses. Boys that will stay on the phone with me late late into the night. Boys that we tell me stories where I am the heroine and they are the hero. Boys that will tell me about the evil girls that broke their hearts. Boys that will let me tell them they are dorks for dumping that perfectly lovely girl. Boys that will gossip with me as we dance. Boys that will tell me what a catch I am... but won't try to put "the make" on me.

So finally I get to talk to dear dear Rocco. A shame that a part of our brief conversation is about how his new gf wasn't too keen on him talking to me. I mean its ME. I'm harmless...but I know what she might have been thinking. Its kinda weird to hear a story of how two people can be so close but never ever have actually met in person. Kinda weird. Sorta. But he talked to her about how considers me a good friend and wants to keep talking to me, so she understood. Unfortunately, he works so much and was so tired so it was a very brief talk. all the same... I miss him and the rest of my boys. {Gotta go... IMing with The Unicorn ;))

.:] Robot Stories [:.

Who wants to go with me? Come on you geeks! Its got Robots! Its got Love!

Its a movie I'd heard about on Fresh Air on NPR just now. I've met Greg Pak in my Asian American Student Politics Past. Now that's one AA director I respect, M. Night, not so much.

I'm thinking I'll be free on Sunday...

.:] American Girl [:.

I'm the next best thing to Margaret Cho in a sitcom. I'm the American Girl in Floss! I GOT IT! I GOT IN!! That was a good thing that happened early on in JH. I got a call asking me to join despite missing out on rehearsals...

I went ahead and went to rehearsal despite my face. The swelling had gone down considerably and not noticable with my glasses on. Man what fun. I can't wait till I stop bein' so fuckin' sore and shit. I can't wait to practice with MK and Deevon. I can't wait to perform again!

.:] Getting There [:.

First of all I slept over at Kim and Tom's 'cause, truth be told, they were afraid I'd oversleep my flight. While I was there I gave my first massage of the trip, then we were all tired so off to sleep. Alas, I was like child on Christmas Eve I really couldn't sleep well. Though I did have a very vivid dream about my kickboxing class, which I rocked earlier in the day. It also helps that my instructor is a great motivator and adorable.

Finally, Kim and I are up and finalizing our packing while Tom is picking up Loupy. Hell, let's get to the big surprise. We had so much crap between the four of us, the Beeyatchski's ordered up a bigger ride. Loupy so graciously provided the morning Mimosa and I was loopy myself before we checking the Massues-a-phone. But we did curbside check in and met up with our other Chicago friends making the flight with us.

Though most of us sat separately through the plane it was nice to know we all were making the trip together. That and I got to sit next to a geeky lil snowboarder. Generally I've never flown with others exception being my family and anne-girl, so it was kinda weird recognizing ppl on my flight.

I spent a good chunk of time watching the landscape and the cloudscape. When we started the descent - it was breathtaking. We got to walk across the tarmac which just made the view of the mountains even more " majestic." I cant' find any other pictures from the others but I'll link them at a later time.

Then in the airport I'd felt I was waiting a little too long for my baby to get unloaded. I don't think I'd ever felt some much POSSESSION OBSESSION over anything that I'd ever owned. I was feeling really frustrated that my table wasn't showing up after everyone had gotten their ski gear. But good news, the massues-a-phone showed up and was loaded onto our transport breaking a window! More great views along the way... then we got to Morley Manor!

We nine, ran around the house exploring and screaming out our finds. Our rooms, hidden passageways, the sauna, the hot tub, the kitchen, ALL THIS STUFF! T'was awesome....

more later...

.:] Something New [:.

Right so I guess this would be a good time to update ALOT of stuff. I am home for the day and not cause I want to.... Here's the something new. I really really REALLY want to go to work today. But I had to call in b/c one side of my face is swollen AND bruised and I have a cut on the bridge of my nose. All this happened b/c I've joined a fight club...no, more like I accidentally pulled my clock radio onto my nose early this morning. I, again was dreaming of snowboarding, when BAM! suddenly I was with my hand to my nose. I was super sleepy b/c I took some Tylenol PM so I barely realized I was awake and my nose was bleeding. I got myself up and cleaned off. Grabbed a bag of frozen veggies for my face, set my pillows to raise my head about my heart lever and went right back to sleep.

I look like crap and I know I'd be worthless standing around with my ugly mug. I even have the broken nose bump on my nose. I'm going to take my MODs suggestion and have it looked at this afternoon. It'd be a dirty shame to lose all my adorableness with a boxer's bump on my nose.

.:] I wish.. [:.

If only b/c I'd woulda loved to have been in SF... and cause I *know* it woulda been crackin Nora's shit up... Alas... This is NOT me.

.:] What Do You Wanna Hear? [:.

Just got back from JH a few hours ago and I've ALOT to write about so what do you want to hear about first?

- getting to Jackson Hole
- Real World - Jackson Hole
- Tessa Fall Down
- Ty Ty the Medical guy
- Why I lurve me some Aussie
- How I Came to Love Snow and Ice
- Dreaming in Powder
- Meet the Roomies
- Sound Bites
- Coming Home

well? Do tell.

.:] Kitty has this way... [:.

I have a journal entry somewhere but I'm too lazy to dig it out and reprint it here.

Basically it is this: Mk had her AvonWalk fundraiser and it was very very nice despite her voice petering out on her. If anything, her stories of medical adventures was enough entertainment to recover from anything the songs may have lacked. I so just wanted to hear her rock out on her songs but she looked a bit strained with the songs sometimes but really - what guts to keep doing the show. Beeyatchski entertaining as always and even Valentine- I was surprised.

I was a complete spazz for a big part o the night since I've consciously been trying to cut out sugars and caffeine for a week. I had a SUPER long day that night - and bent under the temptation of Box o' Joe from DD and MK's BIG COOKIE and "Bite o' Sex" truffles. Then MK puts this song for me at the end of the night as we were cleaning up. And I stood very very still, listening...

Liz Phair - Insanity

You do me and you wind me up just to see me crack
Half the fun of being mean is to see me coming back
We've been through this so many times before
Shouldn't we be getting good at it

I was happy to let you in my life
But you didn't even try to keep it alive
Come back to me, don't you want to find insanity with me

I'm not gettin' through to you on the phone
Maybe when you're not around, you couldn't be more gone
You're acting like you just turned twenty-one today
Struttin' in your new suit
You can't keep your mouth shut
But you don't have a single thing to say

I was happy to let you in my life
But you didn't even try to keep it alive
Come back to me, don't you want to find insanity with me

Don't you love me anymore?
Don't you love me anymore?

[Background voice-over: "Don't you love me anymore?"]
I was happy to let you in my life
But you didn't even try to keep it alive
Come back to me, don't you want to find insanity with me

Don't you love me anymore?
Don't you love me anymore?

[Background voice-over: "I was happy to let you in my life"]
Don't you love me anymore?

[Background voice-over: "But you didn't even try to keep it
alive"]
Don't you love me anymore?

Even now writing this I get all misty. I so needed to hear the first few lines. My heart aches from disappointments but especially after that long day. I don't know why I'm still a hopeful girl at heart.

Mebbe Kitty knows this. Mebbe we still share these songs and experiences with each other because we know the ache the other will feel, too.

.:] Its been a while... [:.

since I've bitched about being home. Dad's cooking something mighty smelly. And Annoying Auntie Pena is screeching something in the backround. Its been awhile since I've had to use my head phones but on they are at full blast - some French pop tunes. Basically I haven't been home the last few weeks. ANd then its off to Jackson Hole on Sunday!

This has been the only morning, I've had to myself in a long while. Even so, I'd been running errands for the Jackson Hole trip.

I'm having very conflicted feeling about the trip. I'm sorta sad that its right when its getting to the swing of things at work. (BIG PARTY @ North and Sheffield on March 4th - More later!). I'm afraid a big reason why I didn't make Floss! is b/c I miss the entire first week of rehearsal. { a little blue-eyed bird said I was in but a lack of a phone call tells me otherwise. Sorry Kitty..} I'm concerned that I haven't any massages scheduled so far. I'm concerned, as I always am before a massage, that I won't be good enough. I'm introducing different therapies too that I haven't used on anyone past friends and family so I'm nervous about that too.

But this will be a good experience. It with good friends I haven't had quality time to hang out with. Even some I haven't talked to in forever. I'll get to practice in a semi-professional way and hopefully get good feedback. I'm bringing notes to study too. So its almost a working and studying vaction. I'm certainly going to take advantage of the manor we will be settling in for the week. I WILL get my snowboard lessons and a day or two on the slopes but as everyone knows I'm horrid with the cold. Luckily I picked up an affordable mask and Hedds sent me her ski gear via Matt who'd visited her in LA last weekend. I'll finally be able to handle the snow...

I mean to finally pick up DaVinci Code and finish that while in JH. Nana claims I will really get wrapped up in it. She wants me to read it b/c she has some art history questions I should be able to answer, etc.

Hmmm... funny, I haven't even had a chance to write in my journal for these past few weeks and I'm aching for it. Journaling and sketching too! I'll have so much to do for this vacation!

.:] audition [:.

ok I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

i auditioned for Floss. i vacuumed the monolouge. i sang an impromptu song cause hell why not audition for the musical, too. i rocked my single improv. Certainly made an impression for the group dance/improv. And i feels as though i redeemed myself during the dancy choreographed part. *fingerscrossed* List of why joining this show will fuckin' rock will soon follow.

.:] Little Girl Tears [:.

I sat in melancholy this morning. Saw Whale Rider last night with my mar and Nana. A wonderful little story with a scene I can not get out of my head. The little heroine cries and tries to be brave. It reminded me of many other scenes from movies with little crying girls so sorrowful but with not from little whiny demanding feelings but huge mature emotion that its difficult to believe a child could comprehend. See Ponette and Grave of the Fireflies and Whale Rider perhaps you'll get what I mean.

.:] Funny Little Valentine Concert[:.

So I had all these grand plans to do this big swing night - but they got scraped. lots of reasons. One small factor was the disappointing news that Black and Tan for Windyhop isn't happening this year. I invested a bit of time and heart into it. *sigh* And though I can roll with it, the disappointment of this among other things is putting a grey cloud over my lindy life. ah well.

Instead, I got to spend time with swingdoc, beeyatchski, and my valentine for the evening, kmp. We had the indescribable opportunity to see Colin Hay at the Old Town School of Folk Music. Colin Hay? The lead singer of Men at Work and creator of one the most memorable concerts I've ever attended. duh.

I was so so very exhausted after a very long day{Crunch} and night {Kittys Gig} and day{more Crunch}...yet this performance.... the sculpting of the music and the vocals with the lyrics and the guitar work - to experience multidimensional music - without benefit of light show, monster sound, and smoke machine!- it truly was mesmerising and LITERALLY kept me on the edge of my seat. This including a banter throughout the show WITH the audience of various experiences. It had a such a witty and entertaining story arc - it had to be written. It must have been a team of writers. kmp is going to see him again at some point this week. He'll have to verify for me if its just an act.

And then with this song, this encore, with my usual habit, I watched the audience. It was watching the congregation listening to every word of the preacher and taking every word to heart. It was a beautiful sight and I now know what I'm using for my audition. "...the audience, THAT'S ART!"

Re- reading the lyrics now, it reminds of some heartache felt earlier in the show for some of my past romances. Then I'd realized... They had other plans on the horizon and they never saw me. They saw something more and I wasn't it. They couldn't see me in their future and I just wanted us in the now.

Colin Hay - Waiting for My Real Life To Begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

.:] lonely [:.

Its odd. I've been surrounded by bright and vivacious people all day long. Really nice people. But I feel real lonely. I got to chat with Hedds for all of five minutes tonight and I'd realized I haven't shared all these great experiences from these last few weeks with anyone. Not sat down had a drink. Not rang up and had a good chat. Not even a good IM session.

I tried IMing the sentiment with Unicorn the other night but he was just all distracted eventually logging off. Rocco and I have been playing phone tag. Same with Kimmer. Woodwork's been impossible to talk with at 2am as of late cause I've been so bloody exhausted. I even bothered to IM Ddub because I do miss him talking with him but ick. And others... I don't know just feeling like I can't really talk to them like they're busy and I'm busy and I'm tired and I should just go to sleep b/c I have to be up @ 6a to do another bunny gig. { huh huh - I'm IMing Devon right now who's keeping me in good spirits } - ok ignore that whole last bit about feeling lonely. Its a passing feeling. I'll prolly get a good chance to talk to folks at Kitty's Gig tonight and with that I'm going to sleep and hopefully audition for Floss! this weekend.

.:] yum [:.

you know how a pretty face can make your day? a smile or wink just send you grinning?

I get that at my new job.. too many good looking people...sewiously. Perhaps one day I'll get bored with it. Meanwhile, I'm like a little girl in an eye-candy store. That and my co-workers are funny and whip smart. With little exception. Its a party working there.

Kinda like Jamba Juice but even louder and more colorful. I'm really really psyched about working this gig. But (big but) there's a looming cloud of doubt. Though I've received some nice compliments on my attitude and work ethic so far, I have this eerie feeling that I'm going to screw up again ...somehow.

I really really regret how it ended with JJ. Left with no real closure. Funny... though Crunch has a juice bar, I've sworn my allegiance to the Jamba goodness. I got to talk to one of my old managers in the brand new JJ that opened up downstairs from Crunch- he was my favorite. Its so good to know that I'll be seeing him more often. We can gawk at the hot and sweaty gym guys like we used to do. And though I may never ever don the banana suit ever again, its the Jamba boosts that keep the Crunch Bunny going and going and going...

OK and help me foodies: Is there a bottled sauce out there I can buy that has horseradish and mustard? I'd recently went to Pappadeau's for my little sister's birthday and there was this amazing creamy tangy dressing for the Shrimp salad. I couldn't get enough of it. I got the waiter to sneak more for in my leftovers but now I'm running low... any ideas? I didn't think that they sold it.. :(

.:] YEAH! VALENTINES! [:.

To quote the Unicorn: "hmmmm..."

I long for the days where I sit in anticipation of the silly slip of paper from the boy I have a crush on in class. I wait for him to give me the valentine of his choice. Along with everyone in class. Will it be Scooby Do? Maybe Masters of the Universe? Er a typical lovely puupy or kitty valentine? No matter. It'll give me the feeling of being loved for days...

Thanks to BelleDeJour I'd found some lovely little valentines I'm ready to pass onto my pals. I know its somber but this is a favorite -but its soo true. Then there's this one... I can't decide....

Check this site for more ideas..let me know...

.:] Hoppity Hop Hop [:.

more stories!

.:] CRUNCH! [:.

Man.I spent the entire day at the new location at North and Sheffield. And I'm so hurting. I get to do it for the rest of the weekend too. Fitting in a dinner with my mum and Swingers Ball {where I intend to be *hot*}. I'm going to so love working there. Full time. First actual full time job I've had in a long long while. *And* I still get the other random promotional gigs. The team that I got to work with today was awesome. As long as I'm surrounded by those kinds of folks this isn't going to even be work. I'm baffled by the trust and freedom that my bosses have put into me. I'm baffled that I get paid to dance around in a bunny suit. What a great motivator for a ENPF like me...

Great news! I do NOT have to work with the bloody ex of an ex. *sigh* what a relief. I could just imagine us just kinda sitting there not having any kind of eye contact at all. Or worse, forcing conversation with other folks just to try to ignore the person.

However, I am working with someone like me. And not in a good way. Lemme 'splain.

After a good number of months in therapy (TANGENT: ok. All you folks that *think * you need therapy, you probably could use some.), I've come to realize that I've got "issues" with crossing other kids' boundries. i.e. being too intimate too fast - and that does not necessarily mean physically - but yeah that counts too. Just cause I feel like sharing some intimate info or even relating some feelings it DOES NOT mean that the other person is going to be welcome to it. So get to work with someone else that offers up her life's secrets. Hell, I'm fine with it. But I can tell its making my co-workers uncomfortable. Nana mentioned something about it the other day. Something about us (it happens to Hedds too) makes it easy for folks to relate their stories of abuse and drama and heartache... yuppers, I'm going to {heart} working there!

.:] Long Day [:.

I'd spent the majority of yesterday doing a promotions gig out in the cold. Makes me curious about how people, hundreds of people interact with the strangers they meet everyday that want to share a little information with them. How do people IGNORE the existance of someone? I used to hate HATE the rejection I felt after auditions. But to feel ignored by perfect strangers when I have perfect good information to give... I mean I understand folks have places to go and things to do so that helps. But try this: watch how people avert their eyes and change their path or pace to avoid homeless people. I've seen people do this to hotel workers while I was doing gig/events for Crunch. Is there a reason why people try their damndest to not look at other people? I look forward to going to Europe and watching interaction of this nature in another country.

Yet during this day it was still very productive in other areas. That's why I love gigs like this. I tossed out and received email and phone calls. All the while getting paid for a good cause. Oooo reminds me of an intersting interaction I'll have to write about later.

Come home exhausted but hungry for some dancing. Starving for it. I don't remember the last time I wanted to call everyone and find out where the party was. Met more interesting leads from Denver, got a good dancy with JL *swoon*, listened to one of the Denver boys croon with the band *swoon again*. and the night didn't end there. It just made me realise some simple truths about me:

- I hate to lose pool. esp. when I make stupid mistakes. Reason #207 Woodwork needs to come to Chicago- School Tessa.

- I no longer feel the need to compete with younger girls for a man's attention. Perhaps the first time I glowed in my *actual* maturity.

- Like hell I'm going to dance with a man who has clearly got an Asian fetish.

- Johnny Lloyd makes for a good fake boyfriend.

- I talk alot of nasty shit when I'm drinky.

- I can party. Responsibly. Like mad. LIke a responsible Rockstar? naw...

.:] Instead of the Boob Bowl ...[:.

I watched the Queer Eye Marathon on Ch.5. Oh goodness, never again will I ever date a fellow like this one. He's going to be organized and cultured like so...


Jai: Culture Vulture


Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
brought to you by Quizilla


But less gay, definately more hetero, kinda metro.... *sigh* I need a Jai in my life....

.:] Whatta Weekend [:.

I was on such a high all weekend...

It was the Johnny Lloyd and Becky Walters weekend workshop. Usually my body is completely wrecked. Don't get me wrong I'm hurtin' but its mostly my brain. The thing is that alot of the *new* stuff I have learned are simply inversions of what I already know. It twists my brain. And its fantastic!

It reminds me a of book I've meant to recommend here, Mozart's Brain and the Fighter Pilot. Starting back into the neurology books but with particular interest in how the brain learns. This book not only has little anecdotes about historical neurological behaviours, there are also interesting insight into everday habit and how you've learned them.

Anywhoo, so my brain was hurting more this weekend AND I was all hyper. Lo, Monday comes around and I crash. But relatively so. I remember days when I'd be so up from a workshop or exchange weekend, I would come home and crash. Even call in sick the next day. Well, yesterday, I was still a bit exhausted, but I just stayed home and worked on stuff on t eh computer with projects and so forth. Even now I have my headphones on trying to block out all the noise yet I've also got an earbud tucked in there b/c I'm waiting for phone calls. Ok, so I think that's the sign that I should get back to work. More later tonight - I'm looking at loads of drafts I'm going to put out tonight. Oh and here's what happened last night.

.:] hehehe [:.

Wouldn't you know it I just sent off my donation letter and pointed people to *this* blog as opposed to www.nuprinzavonwalk.blogspot.com . *sigh*

.:] At Last!!!!!!!! [:.

Woot.

My AvonWalk page is live! and so is bodacious - my blog for the entire experience! Check it out! Make a Contribution! Change a life!

.:] Bloody hateful exs of exs [:.

Ran in to an evil ex of an ex today. Interesting. Looks like I get to work with her at one of my jobs. I don't know the girl really except that she did one of the most rude things I've ever seen on a dance floor. But really the woman never hurt *me*. {and isn't that what's really important here?} Fine. But then I get all *rowr* whenever I see her. I can't stand the sight of her. I don't' know why? IS..it..perhaps the ex, while we were dating, told me the reasons why she'd hurt him, broke his heart, destroyed his ego, etc?

why Why WHY do these guys date these awful, awful, evil, EVIL, women then break up with them after a considerable amount of time, start to date me, relate the horrors of *that* relationship to me, and then decide to ditch me soon after? wtf? I thought I was the good guy here... MK has insight, I think.

Meanwhile I fear the real reason my exs don't pick up their phones to call is b/c they're too busy relating stories of my evilness to their new hot girlfriends.

.:} If I still have one...[:.

This is what my soul would look like?


You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Reminds me of an ex, I bothered to call a month or so after we broke up. I was so sure I had hit indifference by that point. He goes on to describe how it is to talk to his girl he's seeing. It's easy. Its creative. Its honest. She'd asked him "what's the color of your soul?" I wanted to puke. I haven't tried to call him since. Though I had one of those "vivid" Baz Luhrmann-like dreams with the ex half naked recently. Is that a sign?

.:] Letters I Never Sent [:.

While I was in the ole' D.G., I found my hatbox of old cards and letters from family, friends, and boyfriends, etc. Wow, I've come a long way. Its kinda sad the friends that I haven't kept up with (or haven't kept up with me). Its powerful to see the words I "woulda coulda shoulda" sent. For all those break-ups with friends and lovers that I'd perceived as hurtful and stunting - I'd learned alot. Others- well "eh." And I'll be damned if I didn't date alot of guys that meant well but were awful writers. However I know I am missing a very important 'love' letter that I'd used to carry around with me. So eloquent and truthful and pure and poetic these words, from a guy that would eventually cheat on me. Or worse "try to spare my feelings."

Originally, Cat Stevens, then Rod Stewart, and now Sheryl Crow...

Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's the worst
I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me she's the worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'cause if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
When it come to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's the worst