.:] Weddings [:.

So my cousin Jay calls me last night!! Yay!! I get to make another contribution to another cousins wedding... He and Riza asked me and Nana to do a reading at their wedding ceremony... Coincidence that I'd found the poem I'd read at Kam's Reception?

I do
thank you
my partner in this

you move me
in the slightest touch
no words for the glimpse of a smile
no sounds but song
in the depths of our hearts

You take me
and make me beautiful
better than I believed that I ever could be

Now speak to me, I'll listen to you & the music & our dance

Hehe... I wonder if I ever told it was actually a poem about dancing with Johnny Lloyd

.:] From the Oscar Wilde Journal [:.

No date- b/t 9/11 and 9/15

I can't believe this whole time these two days that I been here I hadn't written extensively on the hijacked planes and the subsequent crashes in to he twin towers of the World Trade Center in NYC, the Pentagon in Washington, and Western PA. All passengers and crew were killed and death in the thousands from the falling of the twin towers...

Death in the thousands
they say
yet
each they died alone
each as the time they were born
whether in fear or with brave face
they each faced death
outright and on their own
they died in the the thousands
I'm told
and each one they died alone
I cry and I will cry
and weep on and on and on
For what else from me can be done?

Today together we'll mourn the thousands
each day we'll mourn alone.
we try and try to make sense
of the lives extinguished and gone
from a world that seemed so right
gone wrong
we'll still find life in dance and song
For we'll live together all our lives
and fear not death alone.

and so now here I am two days in the Heathrow airport... weeping on occasion ... afraid to read the papers and look @ the pictures... somehow its milder to read the updated news on the CNN webpage or perhaps to hear what's going on from the various emails that I'm getting from home. This whole while TK has been my rock. I'm incredible lucky and after recent events I don't ever want to take anything for granted ever again.

Chicago she'd repeated. and then there was a pause I wonder if the other Americans experienced the moment of silence when the confessed their city. Los Angeles. Denver. New York. New York I think would be the hardest. It would be the most painful silence to endure.

I'd finally gotten a shower and been awakened by and Indian fairy godmother. "Would you like to take a shower, love?", she'd said in a graceful British accent. Yes, I felt like a drudgery Cinderella who finally hit the big times...

.:] venom [:.

Just recently my poor sister has had her ego ripped to shreds. "How do you handle it after someone has been to so mean to you?," she asked me.

My answer is this. After 20 plus years of folks second guessing you and insulting your intelligence in underhanded ways, you end up getting paranoid and have a nervous breakdown. Then ya get on meds, go through some therapy, and find out some truths about yourself. Finally you decide what is going to be your own truth. If the person who has hurt you, spews venom on you. Know what is true or not.

A good friend may criticize but what's the point of sticking a blade in and twisting? Then comes the hard part...YOU have to decide what you are going to take to heart and what you are going to have to let go. And if its that person... well, off they go....

.:] Sinfest [:.

True dat.

.:] From the Renoir Journal [:.

No date but had to have been in my last few months of high school - Spring 1991

So my mother just dumped all this junk in my room and called it art. I mean literally, a plastic gerbage bag I actually used to pick up junk, she dumped it in my room and no I am not going to sink to that childish behavior my parents who are "adults" (?) use. Though I have this incredibly great urge to wreck my room. Why has this room been such a problem? I don't understand. Fuck off. I can't wait to get out of this house. I don't care to do anything for myself she says. Won't be able to take care of myself she says. So now I have her nagging voice sitting in my head calling me a failure. Does this mean that's what fate is to be?

I actually found this entry last week. And I thought it was kinda funny at the time, like an example of teenage rebellion er how crazy my mom gets. But when I found myself telling Ddub this story, he had this sympathetic look on his face. Only then I realized it was really sad and I couldn't look him in the eye.

I told Hedds this story. She pointed out that it has changed after awhile. They tried to be supportive. To be fair to my parents they tried their best. I mean what do you do with a daughter that you have a hard time relating to?

I think most importantly, after a brief conversation with my mother this morning. I know now when she's being ornery and trying to start to bring me down. And I won't deal with it. I've too many other things to do. Like be a rock star.... do art... write more... and finally watch The Big Lebowski.

.:] up [:.

I'm up and I've no idea what to write about. I do actually have alot to wrote about but I'm on the cusp of crawling back into bed. I'm afraid of actually getting started in on something and then BAM! I'm up and typing and so not sleeping....

-talks with Hedds - like as of an hour ago
-Ddub
-Crunch Bunny!
-Cabrini Connections
-Thanksgiving Day Parade stuffs
-Friggin costume parties...

things to write about LATER...

.:] Ya Can't Just Make Up Stuff This Funny... [:.

Y'all better be there to witness me TAKE OVER the "99" game

Gravy Train Films presents the improv comedy rat-race

Micetro!

Twenty go in ... one comes out.

Saturday November 8

3pm: doors open
4pm: show begins

Beat Kitchen @ 2100 W. Belmont
Cost: Free!

* No-holds-barred short-form improv competition.

* First 20 participants to sign up at 3pm slug it out live on stage, improv-style.

* The audience judges each game by applause, and we cut the wheat from the chaff, till only

ONE REMAINS

Anyone may judge. Anyone may play.

.:] Flakiness [:.

If there was a dandruff formula for people that are flaky, then I would need it. Its not a really bad case where I need to see dermatologist, flaky-ologist, or anything. But I'm flaky enough to be annoying and embarrassing. So more like Head and Shoulders formula opposed to some sort of prescribed formula for flakiness.

And I know that there have some points in my life that my flakiness has been more than annoying. Its been hurtful to me and to others. Right now it pains me cause I know that there are people out there that don't want to deal with me and my flakiness. There are people out there that don't trust me - some with no real good reason. And why should they trust after some of the stories of my flakiness? And then there are others who have been hurt my irresponsibility and flakiness. They know better... And they aren't going to give me another chance to let them down. I don't blame them. At all. There was a point where I tried. I tried so hard earn back that trust with gifts, favors, and more promises. But really how do you take care of a feeling of mistrust? How do you just ignore it? You don't.

But my friends. The ones I've hurt and still come back to me. The ones despite all my flaky flakiness still make plans with me. Want to go on road trips with me. Want to meet me for drinks. Want to plan to go to foreign countries. Wow. Either they're sick masochists or they like me. Me and my flaky goodness.

.:] Rock and Roll Fantasy [:.

Jimmy Eat World - A Praise Chorus

Are you gonna live your life wonderin'
standing in the back lookin' around?

Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.

Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.

Crimson and clover, over and over.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n roll fantasy.
Don't don't, don't let's start, why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart.

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
So come on Davey, sing me somethin' that I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Here tonight.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight.

*sigh* Last time Hedds was in town we were talking about how we actually get to live up to the whole "Live like a Rockstar" saying. Really. Its remarkable the stories we can tell about meeting famous people or having unbelieveable opportunites. And how we don't even TRY. But I think the cooler thing is how we tend to make a party out of any place or anything. Man, I have to give ALOT of credit for my attitude to my sisters - they keep me lighthearted and wanting to party and wanting others to party with me.

I picked these lyrics 'cause Nana had told me once that part of the lyrics are from other rock songs. And as of recent, I've come across my old lyrics and thinking how I'd copied from so many others. And then I remembered what it was like to have an audience screaming my lyrics back at me. Lemme tell you folks, it tickled me to see a bunch of drunk frat boys singing a song about a girl getting screwed over. Which now reminds me of the No Doubt concert that Sagar got me tickets for (god bless him!). Gwen gets all the guys in this HUGE ass arena to sing "I'm just a girl." And then she goes. "SUCKERS! Ladies! Let's show 'em how its done!" ... sigh.. Livin' like a rockstar...

.:] Happy Anniversary!!! [:.

I've always thought that this was the dearest love song. twisted but lovely way of keeping track of love over time.

The Beautiful South - Prettiest Eyes

Line one is the time
That you, you first stayed over at mine
And we drank our first bottle of wine
And we cried

Line two we're away
And we both, we both had nowhere to stay
Well the bus-shelter's always ok
When you're young

Now you're older and i look at your face
Every wrinkle is so easy to place
And I only write them down just in case
That you die

Let's take a look at these crows feet, just look
Sitting on the prettiest eyes
Sixty 25th of decembers
Fifty-nine 4th of julys
Not through the age or the failure, children
Not through the hate or despise
Take a good look at these crows feet
Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Line three I forget
But I think, I think it was our first ever bet
And the horse we backed was short of a leg
Never mind

Line four in a park
And the things, the things that people do in the dark
I could hear the faintest beat of your heart
Then we did

Now you're older and I look at your face
Every wrinkle is so easy to place
And I only write them down just in case
You should die

Lets take a look at these crows feet, just look
Sitting on the prettiest eyes
Sixty 25th of decembers
Fifty-nine 4th of julys
You can't have too many good times, children
You can't have too many lines
Take a good look at these crows feet
Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Well my eyes look like a map of the town
And my teeth are either yellow or they're brown
But you'll never hear the crack of a frown
When you are here
You'll never hear the crack
Of a frown

.:] .Cabrini Connections. [:.

I am so diggin on this group. Well, I didn't even really get a chance to talk to my fellow mentors. However I do pick up a great attitude from the coupled up mentors and students.

And I had a good time this week. My student didn't have homework so we'd agreed to do some reading from the library. I'd found a copy of Madeleine L'engle's A Wrinkle in Time {one of my favorites} and so I'd told her what it was about and basically convinced her to read it with me. It was awesome. We had to look up some words and we even looked up some flowers cause I sure didn't know what they were.... My only complaint was that the copy there was super tattered. I'm going to find my copy and leave it there. I hope she decides to check it out one day and finish the rest of it...

.:] The Friend That Will Be Known As AA [:.

Funny I didn't realize exactly how big an influence AA had in my life but look at this brief list and you tell me:

-Got me my first job shelving at the Downers Grove Public Library.
-Got me hooked on Dave Barry.
-Took me to see Akira on the big screen.
-Got me completely hooked on art class with Mr. Mod.
-Made me more socially aware with stories from the homeless front.
-Made me sing during our late sessions with Blueprint. (AA had to remind me of this.)

That's alot of stuff that affects my life still today. I still am in kinda of a whirl. Its been ten years since we spoke but it was easey peasey to talk again. Planets aligning, folks...

.:] hurted [:.

Listening to the Johnny Cash version today... and yes, the last line is inspirational.

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

.:] Finding a Home [:.

Found in the Children Journal - I don't put down the dates for my lyrics entries - sometime 98?

Lamb - Cotton Wool

Here's my love
Step inside
Let me warm you up
By the fire in my heart

Step inside
Close the door
On the wind of fear
Brewing up behind you

You could stay here
Make your home here
Hideaway here

I could wrap you up in cotton wool
Here's somewhere you could let your love
Run free come and give your soul a resting place
Finding someome is like finding yourself a home
If the key fits - just open the door

'Cause you're never gonna spend a lonely day here
Come and watch your fear fly away
And you'll never hunger for a greener side than here

Gonna wrap you up in cotton wool and save you
And s a v e you
(And save you)

Where's your love
Let me in
To find the warm fire
That I know is there inside you
Let me in - it's cold outside
And I'll grow there
Find that place deep down inside you

You could hold me
And protect me from all harm
You could love me
You could wrap me up

And I could stay there
Make my home there
Hideaway there
You could wrap me up
In cotton wool

I'm going to be meeting up with some high school friends tonight and I can't help but think how long I've been running away from home...

.:] Sweetest Day [:.

Its pretty simple folks... if you treat everyday as an opportunity to do something romantic, then you wouldn't have to rely on these stupid holidays to show you care. And I was having a wonderful wonderful day until I got home and saw this HUGE bouquet of flowers...

I still can't get used to the idea that my father is dating someone. He's happy. He's really happy... And I've met another woman that he's dated... but for some reason seeing that big pile of flowers for this woman that I, honestly, haven't given a chance.... It just soured my mood. And I was probably rude to Pops and his gf as they were leaving to go out. *sigh* That's just one other issue to be dealt with....

.:] Vocal Therapy Cont'd [:.

That's it. I don't know why I keep forgetting but dammit I need to keep singing to keep me happy. I just dropped off Partytom at home after a rousing song of "(Broken) Open Arms" singing at the top of our lungs. and I'm still up.. I'm freakin tired but I'm up. And all this after a party w/ Kitty-girl et al at Cherry Red.

I'm so glad I did decide to go. I got a third wind after seeing everyone there - all these old faces. I swear the universe is trying to tell me something when I'm finding out ex things and suches are all working in or moving to Lakeview. Anywho, I took all that extra energy and blew it out after watching MK, Eb, and others rock out. I so feed off of Mk and Partytom's performances. Partytom even got me on the stage!

So lalaLAla, Before I even get the chance to get Pt home, pass by Casinopants' place so Pt can take a piss. Just knocked on the door after I figured out that it was his place. THEN we spend about another hour just jamming and singing. I so need to get off my lazy ass and learn to play the damn guitar. I'm running out of excuses and its on my 25 List. Two guitars. Somewhere out there. *sigh*

Note to Self: Next guy that goes on about Filipino girls (pretty, etc) gets punched in the cock.

.:] Letters [:.

Thought I'd be a little self-indulgent and post up the lyrics to this song. You can hear part of it - bluescreenmusic/ Music/ songs / letters.

Letters - Music: Sagar Jethani, Lyrics: me

Postcards from places I've never been
Dried flower petals crushed but fragrant
Worn cards with lace and little hearts
Photographs wrapped neatly in ribbons

The letters
Folded and folded
Creases proof of the thousands of times
I read the words
The words I could not send

Our song through paper thin walls
Dog-eared books borrowed but never returned
Blue shirt stolen and filled with smoke
Nights sitting alone the silence between us

I couldn't tell you that I missed you
or that I was thinking of you
We never spoke of such things
No you never said you wanted me, no
So I'll just keep this to myself

The letters
Folded and folded
Creases proof of the thousands of times
I read the words
The words I could not send

.:] List of Things Marked off the Before I Die List [:.

: From the Red Journal - 14 December 97 - 11:55p - Urbana:

- I got Dulce. Not quite the black cat but I'm satisfied - perhaps I'll have my own black cat yet.
- Yes, I'd had my chance on stage w/in two months of joining Selling Spice there was Battle of the Bands.
- Got recordered w/ Spice & then there was "Letters" with Sagar.
- Rode a horse in Cali w/ Sagar, Colette and Jean-Yves.
- Published in Darpan w/ 2 poems. There was Monsoon and the Octopus, too.
- watched er listened to a Poi show entirely too stoned to really ...well, I got a beautiful view of silver leaves against a starry night.

Looking back at what I've accomplished in a year (less even) I know now how possible everything is for me. Even when I'm not aware of it. I'm getting closer and closer to achieving a goal with everything that I do. Having great friends willing to help me is a wonder too. I am so incredibly lucky. I really am and I am so grateful. I should tell my friends so more often.

.:[:. Virginie .:]:.

So she was in town with Steven this past weekend and totally didn't go to the workshops - tho I had credit with BMG. *kicking self*

But luckily TT, asked if I wanted to take private lesson with Virginie and we'd split it. Damn, the best money I'd spent in a long time. And really inspirational. Just watching her and Steven was impressive but damn. Just listening and knowing her philosophy and science of dancing is bloody impressive. And she said she liked my style but that I would have learned ALOT if I went to the workshop *still kicking self*

We'd only worked on three basic moves but she broke it apart. The lesson stripped us down to the basics and made us rework what we knew. It was so weird. It was so difficult. Probably the most work I've had to do in a while. It'll be worth it. Funny, I went into the lesson thinking that I wanted to work on doing tricks ie different levels. This was much more interesting... AND applicable to what I'm trying to do with my life in general.

For example, I tossed out all this unnecessary crap and made more room in my bedroom. I'm actually trying to modify my environment to make it more livable for me. As opposed to running and hiding. And it feels kinda weird actually having the organization system kinda work right now. I mean, I realized that outside of college I haven't been in ONE place for more than a year. When would I have a chance to learn to find a organization system that does work?

But V. said this, "It will feel strange, and you won't learn it today or tomorrow, but it will be easier and you will learn it." true dat.

.:] Listening [:.

I'd thought that this song had a good hook but I never really listened to the lyrics till this morning. I like 'em. Alot. It goes back to the integrity thing esp. after past mistakes.

Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet
So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

.:] Bring It !!!! [:.

Googlefight! Check out the Funny Fights...

.:] .sigh. [:.

What a series.

I'm not even close to a Cubs fan as my sister er much less a baseball follower UNTIL recently. yeah I jumped on the bandwagon and yeah, whatta ride.

I can't remember a time when I hung out with so many good friends - its been a long time. Like how it almost became routine to go Jtap of the games on Tuesdays. And I had a great time with my sister when she visited. Met so many new people. Got so many free drinks. Blew so much cash on taxicabs and bar food.

So, thank you Cubs for all the fun and hell, even for the disappointment...
Now I have an idea of what the REAL Cubs fans go through.. yeah read
Mugsy's comments so far... And I'll be there next year...

.:]:. hurting friends .:[:.

the timing of that last post couldn't be stranger.

Wow... its been awile since I've gotten my own head out of my misery to see that others are hurting. I think its kinda like when I get stone sober when I see one of my friends drunk and in trouble. I'm on it. I'm fine. I can take care of them. I can break up a fight. I can trick someone into giving me their car keys or sticking around the party for another hour. I can sit with them in the bathroom while they puke their brains out.

When it comes to the sad friends (or sisters) that are hurting..... all the sadness (if its not during one of the episodes) clears away and I can listen, I can give advice, I can crack a funny about how he was a small minded man with a smaller dick, and I can help somehow. We can talk and figure out what they want to do to solve the problem, to feel better.

Someone told me jest a bit back... I believe there's an entry about it somewhere if you want to bother to read it that I'll be able to heal myself by healing others. I'm starting understand that more and more.

.:]:. Lost Love .:[:.

Sting - Desert Rose

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
Those dreams that tie two hearts that will never die
And near the flames
The shadows play in the shape of the man's desire

This desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume that would torture you more than this

And now she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
The rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of love

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume that would torture you more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of hidden hearts and souls
This desert flower
This rare perfurme is the sweet intoxication of love


I think of late nights when I'd close out Fizz or Rumours. Dancing in smoke filled rooms. Buzzin' nicely from the entire night. Spun and held. Creating beauty and being in love. I so love dips. You know the Oomph? Remember the Oomph? The trust and the risk? The Unspoken communication? Good times and good people. A good dance. Ha, and I'd go home by myself.

::]:: Dave Barry... ::[::
is lucky that I worship him. Or I'd never forgive this. And this link more than makes up for it!

::]:: The Planets Align or How I Had A High Fidelity Weekend Without Even Trying ::[::

I was soo sooo tired from doin da bunny earlier in the day. And the Cubbies were losing in the 7th inning. But I promised Evin I would work the door at Boulevard Swing, so I got off my butt and made myself look respectable. Then I borrowed my Dad's car so I wouldn't be ridiculously late {plus I wanted to see if he'd say 'yes' - more on driving later}. This is usually how my life works.. I do what I do and the planets align.

I wasn't going to go but then I saw Tom. I'd been thinking of him for weeks {right, MK?} and there he was with me squeezing him. I din't even really think about it.. It was a modified tacklehug with extra squeeze. And I was just in such shock I know I kept holding him b/c I din't know what to say. I remember writing long ago that the last time that I hugged Tom good-bye it felt like I was going through the motions. This time it was truly sincere. And I was so happy that he was doing well. He's changing his career and going back to school. He finally got that tattoo and it looks amazing. He's so much more happier than he was before - so stressed out and worried. So for that I know all was for the best. I gave him my contact info. I do hope he keeps in touch.

It was an ok time at BSC not the best but wow I am really lucky I get to dance with some cool leads. Got to spend some time with Anne-girl too! Then left early and had an insightful talk with Relax. I can't remember the last time we got to sit and talk esp out at Golden Apple... Good friends and good times.

Got a good chance to re-organize at home, catch up with laundry and do some mending. I'm thinking about repainting the walls before I put up the crates. Watched the game a bit and then headed off to Studio X AGAIN with the GT b/c I actually got in touch with woodwork and knew we'd meet up afterwards. And WOW what a time at Studio - but that's a whole 'nother entry later. So FINALLY meet up with woodwork and his friend. We go to Tequila Roadhouse - man, *there's* some memories. I get this fantastic dose of apology from woodwork but really, I was 'over it' otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to meet.. But I do realize why things didn't work out and I swear its all about communication. Damn phones and all. Even now I'm waiting for a call. I think our relationship was more about him apologizing for things and games of questions more than actual conversation. Again I feel all was for the best. All the same I'm really happy that we got to spend time together and I hope to get to keep in touch with him too. I guess this is kinda how that "closure" stuff works. Over it. Feels kinda weird but I think I can get used to it.

Kinda of how this amazing private lesson with Virginie happened today with "Ti- toos". And this is where I get my message from the universe.... things are going to feel weird when you trying to learn something new, learn to do something better. But its worth it. Strip down to the basics... and when you can shine from there.. . who needs to be a rockstar?

::]:: Drivin' ::[::

So I don't think I've mentioned this but after a couple years of not having my driver's license I friggin paid the State of Ohio that for that damned ticket I got on a swing trip and whoo-woo! I'm back on the road!!

So I've been driving Dad's 3000GT for most of the weekend...just here and there...man - I can't wait for a real road trip. I remember when my Pops got the GT. I fuckin hated it. I friggin HATE WIDE ASS cars. And the damn car is really really impractical for Pops who previously had an S10 pickup. My Pops is a handy man of all sorts however, he also likes speed. He always has since he was really little. He tells stories of loving being on speding cars in the Philippines... pretty dangerous stuff folks, trust me. This can also explain his long list of moving violations. So I'd wrote off the GT as mid-life crisis thing AND something my sister Hedds conjoled my Pops into getting...

Though for a long time I'd refuse to drive the damn thing much less ride in it if I had a choice, I do enjoy driving it. It handles really well, so smooth and well, I do get incredible compliments too. I know that's one of the reasons my Dad likes it too. He loves the looks he gets. So like a guy.... but back to the driving. I am SO grateful that my Pops taught me and my sisters how to drive shift-stick.. its kinda neat that we have this appreciation and ability with cars that not a lot of girls get to have unless they have a Pops just as cool as mine or an understanding bf willing to teach them.

::]:: Never Settle For Less ::[::

This is one of the best threads I've ever created.. and it was inspired by this list:

...doesn't drink everyday .. sense of humour .. loves music .. sings .. thoughtful romantic .. dances (nice and slow) .. knows when to kick my butt .. knows when to leave me alone .. great to take on a road trip .. will play in a water fight .. opens the door - car or otherwise .. walks along with me on the streetside .. walks with me to the playground .. does NOT SNORE .. knows movies .. funny .. cares more about me than money .. loves travel .. loves long phone calls and longer letters .. writes me notes .. likes tea .. reliable .. doesn't yell .. great in bed .. creative .. resourceful .. practical .. DEAL BREAKER: Must LOVE anime that is subtitled .. foriegn films .. risk taker .. a night person .. loves pets - cats and dogs .. reads ALOT .. funny .. good with their hands *not just THAT way, sickos* .. looks me in the eye .. holds my hand in public .. doesn't need to be baby-sat at parties .. DEAL BREAKER: My sisters must get a good vibe .. helps with jacket .. MUST DIG ROBOTECH .. doesn't smoke everyday .. must {heart} toys .. love video games BUT not an addict .. an appreciation for art, jazz, theatre, and Oscar Wilde.

::]:: ladybugs ::[::

THEY'RE FRIGGIN' EVERYFUCKIN'WHERE!!! ..Ooooo and there's a lovely red maple tree turning colors just down my block..

::]:: Full Moon ::[::

Gorgeous night out tonight. I was actually thankful that I took the bus home tonight. It gave me a great excuse to watch the moon as I walked home. And there was no loud music or honking.. that I could tell .. it was just beautiful. And I was tired as I walked. I thought I wouldn't even be able to stay up long enough to type this all in but I'm inspired. How long has it been since I've fallen love? A few days .. seemingly weeks .. but I watched the moon walking with me and I fell in love and was so satisfied.

It was a great day today. First one in a long while, its almost unreal. Well, yeah considering it pretty much started with me in the bunny suit. I don't even want to go into it. I'm putting the stories on WH on the Banana thread. I'll create a link later. But outside of the bunny suit it was really nice talking to a bunch of ppl that really really like what they do. Dude, I thought walking around by myself was kinda neat. The enthusiasm and dedication that the ppl I got to work with pretty inspiring. I'm going to hire on a personal trainer .. to stretch me for one .. cause I think I need a bit more structure. Plus, let's be honest here and I'm not usually the type of girl to even say this, but I'm feeling like a cow. Just not healthy really. Though I guess I've been sickly the last few weeks. Any who...

Then a cab over to Cabrini Connections. Jeez.. This is going to be something else I can feel it. It's going to be amazing. I had a great first session with two student tonight. I'm really looking fwd to getting know the one student that has been assigned to me. I've so much to say about the experience. I'll just type more later. Oh special note: I bought the piece of artwork that I had the dream about!

Then the meeting for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. *sigh* I'm not at all the rockstar dancer I'd like to believe I am. I so have no memory for routine. But I'll bloody learn. I can't believe that I played a part in it happening *pat back* that's where I feel rockstar. It's going to be awesome and I will be helping Julee find costumes since I've such an open schedule.

Accountability. Your word. Responsibility. These things so important. These I know I'd lacked in the past that have let me blow grand opportunities like these I have now. Well things are different.

And I do have to mention this from Jtap. one. I got a good sniff tonight. Two.. there's a new hot barback with girlfriend so he's open game for flirting. Three... Partytom makes me feel like a princess. I swear every dance I've had with him as been both hilarious and enchanting. Its a weird mix I know but if you know Pt... its possible. And then I just read a recent swingdoc blog. My parents may not have been great examples of what I want out of a lifelong partnership. Tom and Kim are far better teachers of what I want. And not just in terms of a serious relationship but just as good human being that people admire.

The moon, and beauty, and friends, great dances, and whatever mefeiner was wearing tonight... made me think of this song. So many great vocalists have covered this tune but I'm still in the Roxy Music mode and so I hear Bryan Ferry's version:

These Foolish Things

Oh will you never let me be?
Oh will you never set me free?
The ties that bound us are still around us
There´s no escape that I can see
And still those little things remain
That bring me happiness or pain

A cigarette that bears a lipstick's traces
An airline ticket to romantic places
And still my heart has wings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumbling words that told you what my heart meant
A fairground's painted swings
These foolish things
Remind me of you

You came, you saw, you conquered me
When you did that to me, I somehow knew that this had to be
The winds of march that make my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings - but who´s to answer?
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
Gardenia perfume lingering on a pillow
Wild strawberries only seven francs a kilo
And still my heart has wings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
The park at evening when the bell has sounded
The isle de france with all the girls around it
The beauty that is spring
These foolish things
Remind me of you

I know that this was bound to be
These things have haunted me
For you've entirely enchanted me
The sigh of midnight trains in empty stations
Silk stockings thrown aside, dance invitations
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
First daffodils and long excited cables
And candlelight on little corner tables
And still my heart has wings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
The smile of garbo and the scent of roses
The waiters whistling as the last bar closes
The song that crosby sings
These foolish things
Remind me of you
How strange, how sweet to find you still
These things are dear to me
That seem to bring you so near to me
The scent of smouldering leaves, the wail of steamers
Two lovers on the street who walk like dreamers
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you, just you

::]:: Lost In Translation ... Or The Mystery of Romance in Japan ::[::

Finished Maison Ikkoku {thanks, franker!} and watched Lost in Translation and I'm perplexed as to how wonderful artists, writers, and directors capture the bittersweet torture of relationships. I hate the predictability of romance in movies nowadays. {did I just type "nowadays"? - sheesh I'm getting old} The funny thing is I know what happens at the end of these movies. Its blaring right at me on the cover of the DVD for Maison Ikkoku. And this time, I didn't read a slew of reviews of watch the teasers. I actually went based on the FilmTease guys review for Lost In Translation. Yet, based on what I knew of Sofia Coppola and her stuff {yeah, I watched the extra stuff on The Virgin Suicides DVD.}, I knew not to expect a happy ending - necessarily. It was a happy ending not Disney but not horrible. Just the kinda ending I needed after such a trip of not-knowing and wondering. Both of these films take you on this adventure, sure you know where you're going, but getting there - who knows?

Oh and Bill Murray surprisingly takes Bryan Ferry to a whole nother level - I imagine TW would be like that if I ever saw him karaoke. Reading the lyrics I'm glad they made this choice. SO need to get this soundtrack:

Roxy Music - More Than This

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they're blowing

As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning

More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing

It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like dream in the night
Who can say where we're going

No care in the world
Maybe I'm learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning

More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing

::]:: Draft of a Letter to Be Sent to Kam Found in the Chinky Journal ::[::

No Date - No Time - probably written Spring of 2002

Kam--

Not sure what time of the night it is, I'm to lazy to bother with my glasses and peering over at the clock all I do know is that its pretty early in the morning. and I can't get to sleep. I had this problem last night as well. It most definitely affected my performance at work tonight.

The first time in a long time that all I really had to worry about was waiting tables. Didn't have to go run and make drinks, worry about keeping people busy, or guests from grumbling. All I had to do was serve food and I did fairly well - yet this was the first time in a looooong time that not only did I make a mistake in the order but that I'd made such a horrible series of mistakes in the order. I was, however, easily floored when they still tipped me very well.

I'm often surprised by the entire process of tipping in general. The randomness by which your customer would judge your performance. The food being made incorrectly is the kitchen's fault. The music being too loud and the lights too low is not my fault either. Still all of this is a factor in how much some person wants to give me. Then again, a smile, a wink, and some pleasant conversation can mean an impressive tip as well. Then there are the folks that well tip just to round out the cost of the bill on their credit statement. For example the check maybe $19.63 and they will write in $1.47 on the line for the tip to get $21.00 on their monthly statement. {I am so guilty of this still - but I round over the 20%}

Nonetheless I really enjoy this job. I really don't get paid all the well esp. after considering my hours spent there. But the satisfaction that I get from entertaining my guests and even my co-workers is payment itself. Just like all those thankless hours spent on a production or show where you won't see a dime for your work. I would even do my manager's position for my previous rate but we needed share that info with my manager.

Well, dearest cousine, how has life treated you these last few months? How's the hubby and darling little cottage. Nana told me that she has a copy of the wedding video. We're going to watch it together when she comes back from visiting Hedda in California. I can't wait to see it. It all seems like such a dream now or feels like so long ago. I can't wait to hear my speech too.

Where were you guys on Sept. 11? Its such a common question now; my story is feeling so rote now. The patriotism shown lately is so overwhelming - either so emotionally dramatic or so sickly sweet & melodramatic. I always say that I'm actually quite glad that I was stuck in London during that period. All the flags and flag-waving is getting to be to much for me. Not that I don't love my country. But sometimes I have to question if this is true patriotism or is this person flying a flag to show pride or because they're worried that other Americans (esp. if they look if Middle Eastern descent) won't consider them dangerous enemies? Did this person put that "God Bless America" bumper sticker on to display support or unity? Or is it only because everyone else is doing it?

I thought this was a timely entry b/c I'm so NOT sleeping right now... and that I've painfully have decided not to go with mitten and MK to the London Exchange..

:]:: Kiss ya Kate ::[::

rachakate (7:16:17 PM): i believe i can fly
rachakate (7:16:21 PM): i believe i can touch the sky
rachakate (7:16:28 PM): i think about it everynight and day
rachakate (7:16:33 PM): spread my wings and fly away
rachakate (7:16:55 PM): i believe i can soar
rachakate (7:17:06 PM): somethin somethin through the open door
rachakate (7:19:22 PM): i believe i can fly
rachakate (7:19:48 PM): if i can see it, then i can do it
rachakate (7:19:56 PM): if i just believe it, there's nothing to it

Ain't she the best?... I found this in my Msg archive... it just one of the annoying reasons I don't like sharing a computer with my dad... I miss out on these cute little seranades

::]:: Ready to Hit the Road ::[::

I'm ready. I'm ready to run. again.
Like in that Smiths song take me out
And I'll ride and ride far and away
anywhere I don't care I don't care
I'm so tired of this place
that I'm ready to run again

Seriously. I can't be here much longer. I'm getting more and more crazed and irritable. Rocco called earlier knowing full well I've been cranky. Sure it'd be great to take off to FL at this point but I know.. I know it'd just be running and not getting anything done. Nonetheless, I'm feeling claustrophobic and anxious. I need to leave. But I've no place to leave to. {that's right I ended on a preposition - go ahead and correct it with some White-out} There is no time or place for a vacation from life, is there?

I heard this song and thought of Austin. That woulda been lovely... mebbe I should go there instead of LA in November. Mebbe I should just go there now....

Norah Jones - Lonestar

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign

::]::Governor Ah-nold::[::

Yeah I was going to write some thing outraged and witty but Kitty beat me to it.

::]::speechless::[::

Seriously I don't know what to say.... t'was a fantastic game to watch. Its a strage phenomenom that I experience. I think that I was like this the year Marc coached me in basketball and the Bulls won the Finals. Suddenly l would scream at BJ (my boy) to KEEP the the FUCKIN ball moving!! A year ago I probably wouldn't have cared or known what the batting roster was for the Cubbies or even who the starting pitcher for game two of the series is going to be Prior. Am I a fair weather fan? Sure. But if you think I'm going to just be sitting on my ass in general while my friends and sisters are near tears, that's something else. Goddamn. losing after 11 innings.. I'm NEVER going to forget this game.

that and there was no singing and I din't smell the hot Irish bartender.... suck.

::]::*crossingfingers*::[::

I know MK and I have sung this every week.. but its be fun to do again.

Liz Phair - Flower

Every time I see your face
I get all wet between my legs
Every time you pass me by
I heave a sigh of pain

Every time I see your face
I think of things unpure unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog
I'll take you home and make you like it

Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of is
Everything I'll do to you I'll fuck you and your minions too

Your face reminds me of a flower
Kind of like you're underwater
Hair's too long and in your eyes
Your lips- a perfect suck me size

You act like you're fourteen years old
Everything you say is so
Obnoxious, funny, rude and mean
I want to be your blowjob queen

You're probably shy and introspective
That's not part of my objective
I just want your fresh young jimmy
Jamming slamming ramming in me

Every time I see your face
I think of things unpure unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog I'll take you home and make you like it

Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of is
Everything I'll do to you
I'll fuck you 'til your dick is blue

::]:: Margaret Cho ::[::
The Nototrious C.H.O. was on the Sharon Osbourne today... and I check Margaret's website and it says she's in Chicago playing only to students!!! AUGH!!!


*sigh* its bad enough I missed Eddie. For FUCK'S sake !

::]:: Fuckin' up and Learnin' ::[::

That last post inspired the posting of these lyrics.. man, if you ever get a chance...YOU have to see these guys perform this song LIVE!

Poi Dog Pondering - Complicated

Wanna Get it right this time.
Complicated is all right
Complicated it's all right.
Sorrow is an angel that comes to you in blue light
and shows you what is wrong just to see if you'll set it right
and I've fucked up so many times in my life --
that I want to get it right this time.

Complicated, it's all right.
So tell me something someone and help me get it right,
or hit me over the head, box me up and say good night.
I can't stand to see myself go through the motions
that bring me back into these same old sad emotions.

Wanna get it right this time.

what to get free with it
(Tell me!)
what to get free with it
(Tell me!)
what to get free with it
(Tell me!)
what to get free with it
(Tell me!)

Sometimes I get so afraid of life
I'm not afraid of death
I'm scared of going through this thing twice

Wanna get it right this time
Complicated it's all right

::]:: Out Of the Woodwork ::[::

Liz Phair - Friend of Mine

Not a lot of patience
You're not a patient man
Don't have a heart to stay with
You get it while you can
Just because you can
Get out of it

And I wasted your time, didn't I and
That that's the reason we fight all the time
It's been so long since you've been a friend of mine

Gonna take a vacation
Stop chasing what I lack
Am I gonna get blown off
As soon as I get back
On another track
Without you

'Cause I don't have the heart to try
One more false start in life
It's been so hard to get it right
Seems like the moment I catch up
The farther you fly

And I wasted your time, didn't I and
That that's the reason we fight all the time
It's been so long since you've been a friend of mine

And I wasted your time, didn't I
And that's the reason we fight all the time
It's been so long since you've been a friend to me
It seems like I dreamed and now I'm waking up to daylight
What happened, when did you let go of me
I miss you so badly

It's been so long since you've been a friend of mine

So I picked these lyrics b/c of this strange occurance in the universe that is reintroducing friends, lovers, flings, and things back into my life. And no drama. A bit of insight. Some forgiving. No forgetting. Remembering. And learning. Cause as much as I love people, I ADORE people, each investment I make in an other person I'm starting to feel being taken apart, losing something. That's way can't be bitter or *very* angry.. I don't want to waste any more.

There's a fantastic manga series I used to collect that was called Justy. He was an esper re: he had supernatural ESP powers etc. His jobber was to take care of the evil things that could suck life force out of people. Well, wouldn't you know it he goes and falls in love with a woman who has mutated into this super life sucking freak. Justy, our hero, in a final showdown holds her though she's trying to *suck* him dry. {that's right-I said it} He just holds and kisses her and tells her everything is going to be alright. Turns out there is a reason why Justy has all this power. She doesn't kill him. She's overloaded on all that he's given to her and dies. And it ends with Justy - alive and alone. I don't want to just end up alive and alone.

::]::Our Town ::[::

Emily: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?

Stage Manager: No, they don't. Saints and poets, some.

Yeah ok so the CUBBIES WIN~!!! {and the Bears?!?!}

But theatre geek me was watching Our Town on Channel 11. when the Cubbies cinched it.

And I was crying at the final act per usual. I love that play so much. I can't even explain how much that play has affected my life. When I directed and acted in Champaign, I felt like all of that was supposed to lead up to the day that I was finally going to direct Thorton Wilder's play. I remember being SO impressed with mime. And the simplicity of the bareness of a stage.

This production was a bit different being directed James Naughton and starring Paul Newman. Interesting choices in production. The big impression I had from this play was with the television version in the '70s starring Bobby Benson. Gosh I can go on... And I might later

Must do a Goodbye World note again...

Bloody Hell... missed Coupling

::]::Victoria's Secret...or Fredrick's of Hollywood even::[::

I'm bloody going to get me some sexy stuff all by my's self... and throw a BOB in, too...

::]..Weird coinkydink..[::

This is strange only b/c I just read this. Creepy.

::]..Filmtease: The Matrix Revolutions..[::

One of my favourites. And not just cause Mugs is a guest reviewer...

::]..Its been a week..[::

I just woke up with this in my head

Veruca Salt - Morning Sad

Wake up and talk to me,
it's a long time since last night.
I know we said things,
the saddest things,
and I'm not sure it was wise.
When the morning sad,
you don't look back,
but you sure don't look ahead.

The morning sad,
you know the morning sad.
The morning sad, never had it
so bad, never had it so bad.
I'm writing desperate songs,
while you're fast asleep inside.

I could try to sing, until it rings,
but my voice comes out uptight.
So when the morning sad,
you don't relax no you
cannot clear your mind.

The morning sad,
you know the morning sad.
The morning sad, never had it
so bad, never had it so bad.

I tried a little, I tried
a lot. I'm not a window
and you've seen through
everything I've got.
Oh I don't think that I'll be
safe until everyone's awake.
Everybody, anybody, yeah.

So wake up and talk to me,
such a long time since last night.
I know we said things,
the maddest things
and I'm not sure who was right.

When the morning sad,
you don't attack but you're
much too weak to fight.
The morning sad,
you know the morning sad.
The morning sad, never had it
so bad, never had it so bad.
never had it so bad. [x7]

::]..Face of Stone..[::

Face of stone
unmoving, unfeeling
when I need from you
so desperately
sympathy
I got your face of stone
leaving me
cold and alone

Like those mysterious
forms staring out
towards the sea
you'd never look down
to see me
bent, bowing, & curled
In the dew of the fields
cold and alone

Here I will grow
to be weathered by your storms,
unshielded by your greatness
hidden in your shadow
stunned and stunted
by your massive magnificence
But (I'll love still)
Cold and alone
And I will grow
Like you, like stone.

I had this published in Darpan out of UIUC.

::]..In tears and fears..[::

"'Come to the edge,' He said.
They said, 'We are afraid.'
'Come to the edge,' He said.
They came. He pushed them … and they flew."
-- Guillaume Apollinaire

::] ...True...[::

"Young lovers seek perfection.

Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together.

And of seeing beauty in a mulitplicity of patches."

- How To Make An American Quilt

Funny. I'd always liked having little conflicts and fights with my bfs. Once when I went years without a boyfriend, I remember hearing a neighbor and her boyfriend fighting. And that's when I felt the loneliest. Really. Think about it. You can hook up with a random anyone. But you have to have some real investment in a person to bother wasting your time with an arguement.

A good therapist would probably say that I just crave the drama that I had in my household when I grow up. Like the fighting and yelling was a messed up way of showing affection. But I thought of it as, well, conflict resolution. yeah, like working on a puzzle, a problem.

Maybe its that I like the stress and tension then finally the release. Like in blues dancing, the connection so reliant on tension, the immediate contact and then feeling when its ok to let go and do your thing. Or maybe it just the wonderful feeling of euphoria that you get after you stop bashing your head up against the wall. Then again maybe it was the make-up sex...

::]Excerpt from the Blue Journal[::

20 something April 2002

Things I Need to Be A Successful Rockstar:

1) TRUST
2) A nurturing environment
3) Challenge - so not to get bored
4) Improvisation

Things that Woodwork does that make me feel like a Rockstar:

*snip*

5) #1 cool answer to our game of Twenty Questions:
"If I gave you 20$ right now, what would you do with it?"
"I'd have to take you on a date...a movie, I'd make you dinner, and the rest would go to flowers."

ok So I like this guy but the fact of the matter is I'm still bent out of shape about Tom. I'm still worried that I can get dumped or duped simply b/c I'm depressed & not thinking & not on my toes. Since Josh hasn't called I'm assuming its b/c I'm a loser of some sort. How dumb is that? No matter. I'm still working on a comeback tour. REINVENTION is key!


Still working on the rockstar stuff...
sorry woodwork... that last bit was for your benefit and mine.... you never did take me on that date :P

::]"Don't You Forget About Me..."[::

So I actually woke up pretty early this morning and decided to sit and watch some Oprah. My pops made me a cup of coffee and I watched an episode about teenagers these days. I cannot believe the kinda stuff these kids have to go through in high school or junior high for that matter. Stuff that would not have even crossed my mind while I was in school. But ultimately it comes down to what these kids need. I don't' think that will ever change. Kids need attention. They need time. They need to *hear* you say, " I love you." They need to hear praise as well as criticism.

This reminded me of a scene from The Breakfast Club:

ANDREW
Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my
purse out on the couch and invite
people into my problems...Did I?
So what's wrong? What is it? Is
is bad? Real bad? Parents?
Allison is silently crying.
ALLISON
Yeah...
Andrew nods.
ANDREW
What do they do to you?
ALLISON
They ignore me...
ANDREW
Yeah...yeah...
They both are crying silently.

Things are going nicely with me and Pops. I can't say that things are perfect but for instance, I certainly didn't tell him what's happened in this last week but he seems to know. We've definitely talked more than we have in a while...

..."gettin' ma GDS on, yo!"...

ya ok these late night drinkyposts have got to stop... after tomorrow..

Amazing time at the Green Dolphin. So many wonderful people out tonight and most that I hadn't seen in forever. AND dress pretty swank I might add. The guys were certainly better dressed than the girlies. Here's some pics - I had Pop's camera! (phew..I have man perfume on me)

I met a slew of new people on the scene. More like from The UC Law School. I just lounged quite more than I actually danced. I certainly spent a lot of time admiring dancers. There was Manny the Latin Instructor and his partner as well as Allen and Rudy again. I have a wonderful essay floating in my head about how it feels to be lead by a man. To be held and guided through an idea that he's created in his head with the music.. I'm not going to on right now. Funny I was wondering how I could explain it to someone like Jeff. Should be interesting.

Speaking of non-dancers, I have a new reader *wave* hi woodwork! I'll answer your email in the morning... And I convinced one of the law students to take me out on the dance floor. Kinda like showing a virgin the ropes. Entertaining in its own way. I smiled the entire dance.... it was lovely. I swear...I don't know what people are afraid of...you *almost* can never do wrong! Another essay on convincing people to dance...

So many classic Big Band songs tonight but I found this song mention in the Wedding Dance Songs thread. Like the poster mentions, most folks know the Beatles version which is faster...AND I just remembered the older lady that gets the vocal lessons from Robbie sings this song too ;) :


Anita Bryant - 'Til There was You
- words and music by Meredith Willson (c)1957

There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No I never heard them at all
'Til there was you

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No I never saw them at all
'Til there was you

Then there was music
And wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant
Meadows of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
'Til there was you

...Sleepless...

Truth is I slept pretty well. Crashed out nicely. Which is weird. But I had a hard time waking up. Which is bad.

But as I was thinking of which of the songs was fit to post up. I thought for a moment of MK's new song and then the meanings of all the others - which I think are really applicable to me... But then this song came on.. And the fact that MK got me hooked on him made it complete:

Moby - Porcelain

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind

And then I woke up and read mitten's last couple of journal entries. I'd realized that I've been pussyfooting around the big issue. I wish I could go ahead and list down all those songs lyrics without having to explain a damn thing.

But truth is I'm still pissed that things hadn't worked out with Jeff and I. I miss him as a friend but it be a joke for me to hang out like nothing was different. Mebbe if we just goofed off it might a been different. Mebbe if I didn't make this resolution to go ahead and give a relationship a try. After laying in bed listening to Porcelain, I'd thought about how evil jealous I'd have gotten if I had to be there while Jeff was dating other Friendsters.

It'd happened with Eddie. I cared about him so much. We still needed to work together and create together but it was so bloody hard. AND really, it wasn't until I was all wacked out and distraught that I finally knew that we were just going to be good friends. Hmmm... I really don't know where he'd gone all I know is that he's married in Taiwan. He was good folk that Eddie. I think that relationship was a bit misleading too now that I think about it.

For all those good times and good intentions, I went through hell.

And then I read the line: "Tell the truth you never wanted me" Ah well.

...vocal therapy II...

Fun time at the JTap.. not official Open Mike but hell yeah we made the most of it! First MK and I watched the last three innings of the Cubby/Braves playoff game. HOT DAMN I've never been excited by a baseball game before. That was hella fun, thanks to Mugs who made the first 6 innings very informative and visible ;) I think that was a good trade for the painting ( more later...)

but damn I so needed to rock out with Kitty-girl, who played the perfect songs for my bruised heart and mangled ego. So many songs that I was thinking, " I have to find and post those lyrics." How's about the first one that pops into my head when I wake up? Will it be Liz Phair's "Friend of Mine" or "Fuck and Run" or maybe even Just Dave's choice, "Fade" by Mazzy Star? *sigh* I'm SO SO glad that she called me out on a whim.

That and I got a good breath of the hot bartender... That made my night. Time to pass out. GO CUBBIES!!!