.: Roots Down :.

“You have to put some roots down,” Roobie said.

It’s true.

So this morning I’ve decided to go home to Downers Grove and try to make it a home. I’ve spent all week at other’s peoples’ places and being happier there. At times I have to wonder at what price. At the Unicorn’s, it’s the price of the appearance of impropriety. With Roobie, it may the price of a new friendship. With dick, it’s a price that I don’t want to pay. I may be all wrong with these assumptions. However, it’s not the worth the risk.

Besides, I think that there is a greater lesson to be learned. I am always at the whim of my mother’s mood or malevolence. I don’t have to be. I usually fear any sort of comment or criticism. It can control my day, my mind, and my mood. I still hide from her in my room or away the city. All the while I feel dependent on her for my happiness or well-being. Or resentful for her not understanding or loving me. I think I can better understand that I cannot rely on her moods, her incredibly unpredictable moods or behaviours to shape or change or motivate me.

This week has kinda steeled me against the feeling that I’ve nowhere else to harbor from these times that I’ve been off kilter. I understand that IF I have to move out, I have my sisters and my friends to fall back to for support and/or a couch.

Meanwhile, I still haven’t gotten kicked out. I still, of course, am unaware of why my mother is not speaking to us. But I do need to put roots down where I am relatively safe. Downers Grove is the place. For all my mother’s moodiness, it’s where I am the safest without risk or indebtedness.

In general, I’m more and more aware of the instances that I might have taken things too personally and reacted well out of proportion…. I gotsta fix that too.