..yet another old journal entry..

Bear with me folks..this is a good one...

<.Wayne'sWorldflashback>

14 August 2002 - B&N - 2:45

So just earlier today I had a fabulous session with Dr. C. Funny I'd gotten there very, very late but I got a full session nonetheless and lucky penniless me I didn't have to pay for a damned thing. hmmm... so let's see if I remember the main points.

Well, I'd started that I've been "coccooning" at J's and hiding from the rest of of the world and I'd even mentioned that thoughts of suicide or "giving up" last week. All of this after , I'd gotten into the school and gotten a job. How silly is that? Suicidal after all these fine things happen to me. Doesn't make sense does it? Enough to confuse me enough to not to be thankful for what I DO have.

Apparently its these feelings of shame and humilation get out of making a big emotional deal out of things. For example, when someone can ask what's the worst that can happen if you call into work? "Get fired", I think is what most people would say. But to me the mere sound of disappointment or even the idea that they wouldn't believe me. AND this, dear friends, leads back to the embarassment and stupidity I'd felt when I'd done something wrong in my mother's eyes....

<...andback>

yeah well, the entry ends there. So this is my thinking.. dude, therapy rawks... but jebus, aside from that is, damn, I HAVE come a long way. There are some lessons mistakes that I've repeated since then but to a lesser and lesser degree. Chaos control certainly has been my forte with other people and other situations. Now I've been able to apply it to myself. Suicidal tendancies? Just a band. Thankful? Hell yeah.

As for feelings of "shame and humilation", still a big force in my motivations but not as strong. That question, "Are you stupid or what?", its got an answer and I know it. I just have to believe it.